If you ever doubt that God exists....just look in the mirror.
You are an answered prayer.
I remember the moment sitting in church when I prayed to God asking that we would have a third, beautiful, healthy baby, and if He saw fit for us to raise a girl, that we would have one. I remember a calm washing over me and I cried. I hoped no one noticed, but it was hard to hide. It wasn't even two weeks later we found out you were growing inside of me.
Pregnancy was not easy...the typical fatigue, nausea, and mood swings soon followed. I began having an irregular heart beat requiring medication and then gestational diabetes. I prayed to God again asking that you were unharmed by the heart medications I had to take. I worked hard to keep my blood sugars under control so I would not need another medication. And you know what....I DID IT!
We found out you were a girl and my heart began to sing.
Did you know that you inspire me? Yes YOU!
I know I need to show you and teach you what it means to be a woman, a friend, a wife.....and I must do a good job of that myself.
There are so many things I want for you....I want you to know that beauty comes from within and not from a magazine on the shelf. A kind and gentle heart will get you further in life than deep pockets. Life is a precious gift...don't spend yours on petty things. Love God. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you give yourself. True friendship is rare and priceless. When you have a child, know that your life will forever change in ways that you can not comprehend. Never let a day go by when those you love question how you feel about them. The most precious gift you can give is of yourself. There are people who will take advantage of that, but don't let it change who you are.
Be Happy.
I will always love you more than I can express in words. Love your brothers.
Most of all, I hope I am the mother that you need me to be. My actions may not always seem fair, but I promise you this...I will always do whatever I need to do for your best interest. I am your mother first, your friend second. I think of the first as the greater of the two...many people will be your friend, but only I can be your mother.
I love you.
Mom
Just a Mama
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Loss of a Child
I can not even imagine what it is like to lose a child...or children.
I always thought it would be heart wrenching, but now that I have children, I think it would be like losing a part of my soul. What brought this topic on you ask? Ever since my eldest son was born, I have been a part of a group of women who all had a child in October of 2007. We have shared about our children, but also divorces, financial troubles, illnesses, and so much more. Never would we have thought that we would be talking about the loss of one of 'our' children.
It has brought out so many emotions from all of the moms....anger, frustration, compassion, sadness, guilt, confusion...all of us trying to figure out what we are supposed to do.
I have examined my own feelings and have come to a couple of conclusions:
1) When someone so young is lost, the fragility of life is brought into sharp focus. The lives of my own children are not guaranteed. That is terrifying. It makes me sad to know that my time with them can come to an end before I am ready. Likewise, my time here is not guaranteed. My heart breaks for my friend who will soon be without her son. I think the best way to honor her loss is to work as hard as I can to make the most of my time with my children. I will not be perfect, I will get frustrated with my kids, they will get mad at me...but at the heart of it is a renewed determination to be the best mom for my boys that I can be...so that if I am gone, or God forbid they are taken from me, there is never a time in their lives when they question how much I love them.
2) Faith is challenged at times like these. More than usual. I was recently confirmed and spent months examining my faith...how much do I trust God to know what is best when it seems so unfair. The truth is...He does know what is best. Even if I am not happy with the outcome. I do not believe that God does bad things to people, He takes care people when bad things happen to them. I do not doubt for a moment that hundreds of people are embracing this family in prayer and love. I also do not doubt that so very many people are waiting to do whatever they can to ease the pain of loss they feel. God's love is very much present at this boy's bedside and through the hearts of people who care about him and his family.
3) Heaven does exist. Can there be anything closer to hell than losing a child? There has to be an amazing, beautiful, beyond words place that we go to after here...where all the love that we have in our human hearts bursts free and achieves full expression...a place our words simply can not describe. I do not believe love dies, it goes on and seeks out its companions...parents, children, even pets. You simply can not stop it. Nothing could possibly stop me from loving my children or stop my love from reaching my children. Heaven is love.
Maybe my views are over simplistic to some, but it is how I make sense of a senseless world. I know that this family and little boy who I have never met in real life have caused me to examine and solidify my own beliefs, to live with love...one day at a time.
I always thought it would be heart wrenching, but now that I have children, I think it would be like losing a part of my soul. What brought this topic on you ask? Ever since my eldest son was born, I have been a part of a group of women who all had a child in October of 2007. We have shared about our children, but also divorces, financial troubles, illnesses, and so much more. Never would we have thought that we would be talking about the loss of one of 'our' children.
It has brought out so many emotions from all of the moms....anger, frustration, compassion, sadness, guilt, confusion...all of us trying to figure out what we are supposed to do.
I have examined my own feelings and have come to a couple of conclusions:
1) When someone so young is lost, the fragility of life is brought into sharp focus. The lives of my own children are not guaranteed. That is terrifying. It makes me sad to know that my time with them can come to an end before I am ready. Likewise, my time here is not guaranteed. My heart breaks for my friend who will soon be without her son. I think the best way to honor her loss is to work as hard as I can to make the most of my time with my children. I will not be perfect, I will get frustrated with my kids, they will get mad at me...but at the heart of it is a renewed determination to be the best mom for my boys that I can be...so that if I am gone, or God forbid they are taken from me, there is never a time in their lives when they question how much I love them.
2) Faith is challenged at times like these. More than usual. I was recently confirmed and spent months examining my faith...how much do I trust God to know what is best when it seems so unfair. The truth is...He does know what is best. Even if I am not happy with the outcome. I do not believe that God does bad things to people, He takes care people when bad things happen to them. I do not doubt for a moment that hundreds of people are embracing this family in prayer and love. I also do not doubt that so very many people are waiting to do whatever they can to ease the pain of loss they feel. God's love is very much present at this boy's bedside and through the hearts of people who care about him and his family.
3) Heaven does exist. Can there be anything closer to hell than losing a child? There has to be an amazing, beautiful, beyond words place that we go to after here...where all the love that we have in our human hearts bursts free and achieves full expression...a place our words simply can not describe. I do not believe love dies, it goes on and seeks out its companions...parents, children, even pets. You simply can not stop it. Nothing could possibly stop me from loving my children or stop my love from reaching my children. Heaven is love.
Maybe my views are over simplistic to some, but it is how I make sense of a senseless world. I know that this family and little boy who I have never met in real life have caused me to examine and solidify my own beliefs, to live with love...one day at a time.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
You Still Walk With Me
I think it is natural for me to wonder if once I am gone from this world, if people will miss me, wish I was here, remember our times together. But a thought recently crossed my mind. Do people who have passed away and are now in heaven wonder if we think about them? Do they know if we do? Are our thoughts and feelings still able to reach them, if we don't know that they do? People have said and I have had experiences were I can almost feel someone I love who has passed away. Almost as if I turned my head fast enough I might catch a glimpse of them. I never do....but that feeling lingers.
People who I have know throughout my life and have passed I think about often. Not in sadness necessarily, but in how I can make my life better because of theirs.
For example...to the young man in my high school who committed suicide...I do not remember your name, but I can say this...I may not be able to keep my kids from being bullied, but I sure as hell won't let my kids be one. I will teach them to be kind to everyone and anything less is just not acceptable; to reach out to the kid always picked last in gym class and invite him/her over to birthday parties and such. I want my boys to learn that everyone has something to offer that is valuable and may even help them to become better people.
To my friend who died in a car accident just before our junior year in high school...I will teach my boys that cars are only toys when they come from Matchbox. I have taught them to buckle up and they do! They even yell at grandma when she doesn't put hers on! I also try to never miss an opportunity to see a friend even if it is for a fleeting moment....because you never know when that moment could have been your last.
To my grandmother...sometimes letting go is what has to happen and that is ok. It's not good bye...it is 'see you later.' The love that exists between two people does not end at death, in fact, it endures. And that same love will reunite you in heaven, not just with your spouse, but with everyone that you love.
To many of my patients who have died....not even sure where to begin...I know that I can make a difference even to a stranger that I may never see again. What matters is the kindness that you carry in your heart and on your sleeve. I wear it proudly and try to be compassionate to even the most challenging people. After all, I truly have no idea what is going in their lives.
Most of all....Kim. I cherish every day with my kids. Yes, they have their challenging days, but I still love them so much that it makes me weep. I am trying to make the most of my time here. Make it count. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be here as long as I can, as best as I can. I try to remember what you said to me...each day is a gift. Some days it is hard, but I am trying.
One might think that all of these thoughts make me sad, but truthfully, they give me courage, faith, and purpose. I know without a doubt they still walk with me in this life and I can keep them near by remembering all of the things they taught me. I hope that some day I will be able to tell them these things myself and that, in case they were wondering, I did think about them on this side of life......
People who I have know throughout my life and have passed I think about often. Not in sadness necessarily, but in how I can make my life better because of theirs.
For example...to the young man in my high school who committed suicide...I do not remember your name, but I can say this...I may not be able to keep my kids from being bullied, but I sure as hell won't let my kids be one. I will teach them to be kind to everyone and anything less is just not acceptable; to reach out to the kid always picked last in gym class and invite him/her over to birthday parties and such. I want my boys to learn that everyone has something to offer that is valuable and may even help them to become better people.
To my friend who died in a car accident just before our junior year in high school...I will teach my boys that cars are only toys when they come from Matchbox. I have taught them to buckle up and they do! They even yell at grandma when she doesn't put hers on! I also try to never miss an opportunity to see a friend even if it is for a fleeting moment....because you never know when that moment could have been your last.
To my grandmother...sometimes letting go is what has to happen and that is ok. It's not good bye...it is 'see you later.' The love that exists between two people does not end at death, in fact, it endures. And that same love will reunite you in heaven, not just with your spouse, but with everyone that you love.
To many of my patients who have died....not even sure where to begin...I know that I can make a difference even to a stranger that I may never see again. What matters is the kindness that you carry in your heart and on your sleeve. I wear it proudly and try to be compassionate to even the most challenging people. After all, I truly have no idea what is going in their lives.
Most of all....Kim. I cherish every day with my kids. Yes, they have their challenging days, but I still love them so much that it makes me weep. I am trying to make the most of my time here. Make it count. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be here as long as I can, as best as I can. I try to remember what you said to me...each day is a gift. Some days it is hard, but I am trying.
One might think that all of these thoughts make me sad, but truthfully, they give me courage, faith, and purpose. I know without a doubt they still walk with me in this life and I can keep them near by remembering all of the things they taught me. I hope that some day I will be able to tell them these things myself and that, in case they were wondering, I did think about them on this side of life......
Friday, August 3, 2012
Just Before Heaven
As I have said before, growing in my faith has given me a greater sense of calm in my life. Now when I am challenged with a situation in my life I pause and think, pray. But every once in awhile it is almost as if God jumps right in front of me and I am not sure how to handle what is happening. I of course email Father Rick when this happens.
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
Sunday, July 29, 2012
From One Minute to Three Miles
I decided a couple of months ago to embark on a journey. One I honestly did not think I would be able to finish. I thought to myself, I am going to prove I can not do this. I am going to keep trying until I fail because I do not think I can do this.
I wanted to start jogging. So I did...using a program called C25K or couch to 5k. It is a program designed for people who do not run, to get running. I had tried running a couple of times in the past and could not do it because I would get so short of breath. Since the last time I tried, I discovered I have a touch of asthma. It was worse during pregnancy, cold weather, when I am sick, and when I try to exercise. I have an inhaler now that I use just when I need it.
Anyways, I started my mission to prove to myself I couldn't do it. The first week, you start jogging in one minute intervals alternating with walking. I can not tell you how hard it was to jog for that minute. I would look at the timer and pray for the seconds to magically tic by faster. They never showed me any mercy. My feet were screaming. So much so that I literally had to stop walking and rest to feel like I could get back home.
A dear friend of mine schooled me on how to buy good running shoes. That made such a difference I could not believe it!!! I continued on with my journey in running only to be crippled with shin splints. I literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the shins. I could not go up and down stairs. I pushed myself to run with shin splints. HUGE mistake. I had to stop and sit at the park because it hurt so much. If I would have had my phone, I would have called my husband to come and get me they hurt so bad. After talking to people, I realized ice was the magic trick and ibuprofen certainly helped.
I wondered what people thought of this at least slightly overweight chick running and walking. Then, after a couple of weeks, I stopped caring. I adopted the attitude of 'if you don't like the way I look jogging, then don't look at me.'
I pressed onward. It just so happened I started this journey during the second hottest summer on record. It forced me to do something else I never imagined I would do....get up before work to exercise. I also went after dark when the heat wasn't so oppressive. I learned the value of moisture wicking clothing (I think that is what it is called). Cotton does NOT breathe well at all.
I was still waiting for my body to betray me. Then, it did. I tried jogging two days in a row. I think it was about 3/4 of the way through the program. I could not catch my breath. I stopped jogging in my workout, caught my breath, and started again to no avail. I felt defeated. I talked to my doctor who said to try again after a few days and allow my body to rest. Being the non-compliant patient that I am, I waited two days, did my inhaler and picked up where I left off.
The difference was striking. I made it through my work out and felt like I could keep going. Believe it or not, I was MAD! I had taken the program slower trying to make sure I could keep my breathing in check and never even tried my inhaler. Now, I do my inhaler about 10 minutes before starting. The difference still astonishes me. It is a matter of muscle conditioning the majority of the time vs. my breathing.
I pressed on through the program now determined to prove to myself that I COULD do it. I added a few new tunes that happen to motivate me and jogged three miles. That is beyond crazy to me!! I started out praying for 60 seconds to go by faster and now I am working on shaving time off my 3 mile jog. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be physically capable of doing this. It took me about 12 weeks to get to this point. Even more surprising--I get lost in my thoughts when I am jogging. It is almost like I can disconnect physically and spend time inside myself. It is a comforting place I enjoy visiting.
There is something to be said for accomplishing a physical goal...to push your body to its limits...and then a little more. I always thought people were crazy for jogging religiously. Now, I get it. To feel my muscles grow, my heart and lungs burn to keep pace with my legs, and then suddenly it isn't so hard anymore, to know that I can push my physical body to do more is addicting. The knowledge that I can do something I put my mind to that is just for me, no one else, is intoxicating.
I am signed up for my first 5K race. It is something I never thought I would be capable of doing. I will have a race number! I will get a t-shirt that says I did a 5K! Better yet, another friend who inspired me to even try the program will be there with me. She is actually training for a marathon now, so this will be no challenge for her. But she is doing it to support me! A coworker says she will go too. To say I am excited is an understatement!
What a journey that I am on...and it isn't even over yet :)
I wanted to start jogging. So I did...using a program called C25K or couch to 5k. It is a program designed for people who do not run, to get running. I had tried running a couple of times in the past and could not do it because I would get so short of breath. Since the last time I tried, I discovered I have a touch of asthma. It was worse during pregnancy, cold weather, when I am sick, and when I try to exercise. I have an inhaler now that I use just when I need it.
Anyways, I started my mission to prove to myself I couldn't do it. The first week, you start jogging in one minute intervals alternating with walking. I can not tell you how hard it was to jog for that minute. I would look at the timer and pray for the seconds to magically tic by faster. They never showed me any mercy. My feet were screaming. So much so that I literally had to stop walking and rest to feel like I could get back home.
A dear friend of mine schooled me on how to buy good running shoes. That made such a difference I could not believe it!!! I continued on with my journey in running only to be crippled with shin splints. I literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the shins. I could not go up and down stairs. I pushed myself to run with shin splints. HUGE mistake. I had to stop and sit at the park because it hurt so much. If I would have had my phone, I would have called my husband to come and get me they hurt so bad. After talking to people, I realized ice was the magic trick and ibuprofen certainly helped.
I wondered what people thought of this at least slightly overweight chick running and walking. Then, after a couple of weeks, I stopped caring. I adopted the attitude of 'if you don't like the way I look jogging, then don't look at me.'
I pressed onward. It just so happened I started this journey during the second hottest summer on record. It forced me to do something else I never imagined I would do....get up before work to exercise. I also went after dark when the heat wasn't so oppressive. I learned the value of moisture wicking clothing (I think that is what it is called). Cotton does NOT breathe well at all.
I was still waiting for my body to betray me. Then, it did. I tried jogging two days in a row. I think it was about 3/4 of the way through the program. I could not catch my breath. I stopped jogging in my workout, caught my breath, and started again to no avail. I felt defeated. I talked to my doctor who said to try again after a few days and allow my body to rest. Being the non-compliant patient that I am, I waited two days, did my inhaler and picked up where I left off.
The difference was striking. I made it through my work out and felt like I could keep going. Believe it or not, I was MAD! I had taken the program slower trying to make sure I could keep my breathing in check and never even tried my inhaler. Now, I do my inhaler about 10 minutes before starting. The difference still astonishes me. It is a matter of muscle conditioning the majority of the time vs. my breathing.
I pressed on through the program now determined to prove to myself that I COULD do it. I added a few new tunes that happen to motivate me and jogged three miles. That is beyond crazy to me!! I started out praying for 60 seconds to go by faster and now I am working on shaving time off my 3 mile jog. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be physically capable of doing this. It took me about 12 weeks to get to this point. Even more surprising--I get lost in my thoughts when I am jogging. It is almost like I can disconnect physically and spend time inside myself. It is a comforting place I enjoy visiting.
There is something to be said for accomplishing a physical goal...to push your body to its limits...and then a little more. I always thought people were crazy for jogging religiously. Now, I get it. To feel my muscles grow, my heart and lungs burn to keep pace with my legs, and then suddenly it isn't so hard anymore, to know that I can push my physical body to do more is addicting. The knowledge that I can do something I put my mind to that is just for me, no one else, is intoxicating.
I am signed up for my first 5K race. It is something I never thought I would be capable of doing. I will have a race number! I will get a t-shirt that says I did a 5K! Better yet, another friend who inspired me to even try the program will be there with me. She is actually training for a marathon now, so this will be no challenge for her. But she is doing it to support me! A coworker says she will go too. To say I am excited is an understatement!
What a journey that I am on...and it isn't even over yet :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Catching Up
Wow....time sure does fly! I can't believe it has been two months since I posted last.
First, I did go to confession. I emailed Father Rick and set up a time with him on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into that little room, sat down, and spent 45 minutes talking with him. It was some of the best 'therapy' I have ever had in my life. One of the most important things we talked about was this: I asked him, "why do we as catholics have confession? If Jesus died to save us from our sins, why confess?' I don't remember Father's exact words, but the message I took away was this: Jesus did die to save us from our sins. Confession is a celebration of sorts that we are saved. And yet it is also a way to say, I am not taking what Jesus did for me lightly and I want to try and do better. I want to try and do something meaningful to move my spirit closer to Jesus--aka penance. It is not 'I was naughty, what is my punishment.' It made a lot of sense in my heart.
I am not going to list my confessions or state what my penance was, but I will say this: it was meaningful on a spiritual level. It did help me to grow in my faith. And that, in my opinion, IS what confession is trying to teach me.
Second, we did renew our wedding vows in the church. Most of our family members were there. It was a small gathering after Saturday evening's first mass. It was brief, but provided my heart with a calm reassurance that I can not quite put into words.
I am hoping to take the next step in my faith journey and work towards confirmation. Classes start in September and meet weekly. More to come on that front as the time nears :)
Kim is still in my thoughts and heart on a regular basis. I can feel her presence at times, usually when I am outside playing with the kids. Rather fitting as she loved her girls and being a mother. I say hi when I feel her near and thank her for stopping by.
Overall, something in me is changing. I can not say exactly what it is, but when the day has quieted and I am left with my thoughts, I can feel myself changing. It is a strong, calm feeling that comes from somewhere deep inside of me. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I can not wait to find out!
First, I did go to confession. I emailed Father Rick and set up a time with him on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into that little room, sat down, and spent 45 minutes talking with him. It was some of the best 'therapy' I have ever had in my life. One of the most important things we talked about was this: I asked him, "why do we as catholics have confession? If Jesus died to save us from our sins, why confess?' I don't remember Father's exact words, but the message I took away was this: Jesus did die to save us from our sins. Confession is a celebration of sorts that we are saved. And yet it is also a way to say, I am not taking what Jesus did for me lightly and I want to try and do better. I want to try and do something meaningful to move my spirit closer to Jesus--aka penance. It is not 'I was naughty, what is my punishment.' It made a lot of sense in my heart.
I am not going to list my confessions or state what my penance was, but I will say this: it was meaningful on a spiritual level. It did help me to grow in my faith. And that, in my opinion, IS what confession is trying to teach me.
Second, we did renew our wedding vows in the church. Most of our family members were there. It was a small gathering after Saturday evening's first mass. It was brief, but provided my heart with a calm reassurance that I can not quite put into words.
I am hoping to take the next step in my faith journey and work towards confirmation. Classes start in September and meet weekly. More to come on that front as the time nears :)
Kim is still in my thoughts and heart on a regular basis. I can feel her presence at times, usually when I am outside playing with the kids. Rather fitting as she loved her girls and being a mother. I say hi when I feel her near and thank her for stopping by.
Overall, something in me is changing. I can not say exactly what it is, but when the day has quieted and I am left with my thoughts, I can feel myself changing. It is a strong, calm feeling that comes from somewhere deep inside of me. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I can not wait to find out!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Motherless Day
I apologize in advance for this somewhat scattered post......
It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks. I started to cry. It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim. Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter.
It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother? It makes me angry and tremendously sad.
I hope that they do celebrate Kim. Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them. That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.
I did not go to church this weekend. I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him. I need to have a private discussion with God this day.
I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe.
It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance. I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls. He says he will do that.
Children just should not be without their mothers. Period.
My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them. You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come. And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother? To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.
It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks. I started to cry. It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim. Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter.
It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother? It makes me angry and tremendously sad.
I hope that they do celebrate Kim. Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them. That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.
I did not go to church this weekend. I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him. I need to have a private discussion with God this day.
I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe.
It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance. I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls. He says he will do that.
Children just should not be without their mothers. Period.
My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them. You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come. And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother? To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.
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