I think it is natural for me to wonder if once I am gone from this world, if people will miss me, wish I was here, remember our times together. But a thought recently crossed my mind. Do people who have passed away and are now in heaven wonder if we think about them? Do they know if we do? Are our thoughts and feelings still able to reach them, if we don't know that they do? People have said and I have had experiences were I can almost feel someone I love who has passed away. Almost as if I turned my head fast enough I might catch a glimpse of them. I never do....but that feeling lingers.
People who I have know throughout my life and have passed I think about often. Not in sadness necessarily, but in how I can make my life better because of theirs.
For example...to the young man in my high school who committed suicide...I do not remember your name, but I can say this...I may not be able to keep my kids from being bullied, but I sure as hell won't let my kids be one. I will teach them to be kind to everyone and anything less is just not acceptable; to reach out to the kid always picked last in gym class and invite him/her over to birthday parties and such. I want my boys to learn that everyone has something to offer that is valuable and may even help them to become better people.
To my friend who died in a car accident just before our junior year in high school...I will teach my boys that cars are only toys when they come from Matchbox. I have taught them to buckle up and they do! They even yell at grandma when she doesn't put hers on! I also try to never miss an opportunity to see a friend even if it is for a fleeting moment....because you never know when that moment could have been your last.
To my grandmother...sometimes letting go is what has to happen and that is ok. It's not good bye...it is 'see you later.' The love that exists between two people does not end at death, in fact, it endures. And that same love will reunite you in heaven, not just with your spouse, but with everyone that you love.
To many of my patients who have died....not even sure where to begin...I know that I can make a difference even to a stranger that I may never see again. What matters is the kindness that you carry in your heart and on your sleeve. I wear it proudly and try to be compassionate to even the most challenging people. After all, I truly have no idea what is going in their lives.
Most of all....Kim. I cherish every day with my kids. Yes, they have their challenging days, but I still love them so much that it makes me weep. I am trying to make the most of my time here. Make it count. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be here as long as I can, as best as I can. I try to remember what you said to me...each day is a gift. Some days it is hard, but I am trying.
One might think that all of these thoughts make me sad, but truthfully, they give me courage, faith, and purpose. I know without a doubt they still walk with me in this life and I can keep them near by remembering all of the things they taught me. I hope that some day I will be able to tell them these things myself and that, in case they were wondering, I did think about them on this side of life......
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Just Before Heaven
As I have said before, growing in my faith has given me a greater sense of calm in my life. Now when I am challenged with a situation in my life I pause and think, pray. But every once in awhile it is almost as if God jumps right in front of me and I am not sure how to handle what is happening. I of course email Father Rick when this happens.
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
Sunday, July 29, 2012
From One Minute to Three Miles
I decided a couple of months ago to embark on a journey. One I honestly did not think I would be able to finish. I thought to myself, I am going to prove I can not do this. I am going to keep trying until I fail because I do not think I can do this.
I wanted to start jogging. So I did...using a program called C25K or couch to 5k. It is a program designed for people who do not run, to get running. I had tried running a couple of times in the past and could not do it because I would get so short of breath. Since the last time I tried, I discovered I have a touch of asthma. It was worse during pregnancy, cold weather, when I am sick, and when I try to exercise. I have an inhaler now that I use just when I need it.
Anyways, I started my mission to prove to myself I couldn't do it. The first week, you start jogging in one minute intervals alternating with walking. I can not tell you how hard it was to jog for that minute. I would look at the timer and pray for the seconds to magically tic by faster. They never showed me any mercy. My feet were screaming. So much so that I literally had to stop walking and rest to feel like I could get back home.
A dear friend of mine schooled me on how to buy good running shoes. That made such a difference I could not believe it!!! I continued on with my journey in running only to be crippled with shin splints. I literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the shins. I could not go up and down stairs. I pushed myself to run with shin splints. HUGE mistake. I had to stop and sit at the park because it hurt so much. If I would have had my phone, I would have called my husband to come and get me they hurt so bad. After talking to people, I realized ice was the magic trick and ibuprofen certainly helped.
I wondered what people thought of this at least slightly overweight chick running and walking. Then, after a couple of weeks, I stopped caring. I adopted the attitude of 'if you don't like the way I look jogging, then don't look at me.'
I pressed onward. It just so happened I started this journey during the second hottest summer on record. It forced me to do something else I never imagined I would do....get up before work to exercise. I also went after dark when the heat wasn't so oppressive. I learned the value of moisture wicking clothing (I think that is what it is called). Cotton does NOT breathe well at all.
I was still waiting for my body to betray me. Then, it did. I tried jogging two days in a row. I think it was about 3/4 of the way through the program. I could not catch my breath. I stopped jogging in my workout, caught my breath, and started again to no avail. I felt defeated. I talked to my doctor who said to try again after a few days and allow my body to rest. Being the non-compliant patient that I am, I waited two days, did my inhaler and picked up where I left off.
The difference was striking. I made it through my work out and felt like I could keep going. Believe it or not, I was MAD! I had taken the program slower trying to make sure I could keep my breathing in check and never even tried my inhaler. Now, I do my inhaler about 10 minutes before starting. The difference still astonishes me. It is a matter of muscle conditioning the majority of the time vs. my breathing.
I pressed on through the program now determined to prove to myself that I COULD do it. I added a few new tunes that happen to motivate me and jogged three miles. That is beyond crazy to me!! I started out praying for 60 seconds to go by faster and now I am working on shaving time off my 3 mile jog. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be physically capable of doing this. It took me about 12 weeks to get to this point. Even more surprising--I get lost in my thoughts when I am jogging. It is almost like I can disconnect physically and spend time inside myself. It is a comforting place I enjoy visiting.
There is something to be said for accomplishing a physical goal...to push your body to its limits...and then a little more. I always thought people were crazy for jogging religiously. Now, I get it. To feel my muscles grow, my heart and lungs burn to keep pace with my legs, and then suddenly it isn't so hard anymore, to know that I can push my physical body to do more is addicting. The knowledge that I can do something I put my mind to that is just for me, no one else, is intoxicating.
I am signed up for my first 5K race. It is something I never thought I would be capable of doing. I will have a race number! I will get a t-shirt that says I did a 5K! Better yet, another friend who inspired me to even try the program will be there with me. She is actually training for a marathon now, so this will be no challenge for her. But she is doing it to support me! A coworker says she will go too. To say I am excited is an understatement!
What a journey that I am on...and it isn't even over yet :)
I wanted to start jogging. So I did...using a program called C25K or couch to 5k. It is a program designed for people who do not run, to get running. I had tried running a couple of times in the past and could not do it because I would get so short of breath. Since the last time I tried, I discovered I have a touch of asthma. It was worse during pregnancy, cold weather, when I am sick, and when I try to exercise. I have an inhaler now that I use just when I need it.
Anyways, I started my mission to prove to myself I couldn't do it. The first week, you start jogging in one minute intervals alternating with walking. I can not tell you how hard it was to jog for that minute. I would look at the timer and pray for the seconds to magically tic by faster. They never showed me any mercy. My feet were screaming. So much so that I literally had to stop walking and rest to feel like I could get back home.
A dear friend of mine schooled me on how to buy good running shoes. That made such a difference I could not believe it!!! I continued on with my journey in running only to be crippled with shin splints. I literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the shins. I could not go up and down stairs. I pushed myself to run with shin splints. HUGE mistake. I had to stop and sit at the park because it hurt so much. If I would have had my phone, I would have called my husband to come and get me they hurt so bad. After talking to people, I realized ice was the magic trick and ibuprofen certainly helped.
I wondered what people thought of this at least slightly overweight chick running and walking. Then, after a couple of weeks, I stopped caring. I adopted the attitude of 'if you don't like the way I look jogging, then don't look at me.'
I pressed onward. It just so happened I started this journey during the second hottest summer on record. It forced me to do something else I never imagined I would do....get up before work to exercise. I also went after dark when the heat wasn't so oppressive. I learned the value of moisture wicking clothing (I think that is what it is called). Cotton does NOT breathe well at all.
I was still waiting for my body to betray me. Then, it did. I tried jogging two days in a row. I think it was about 3/4 of the way through the program. I could not catch my breath. I stopped jogging in my workout, caught my breath, and started again to no avail. I felt defeated. I talked to my doctor who said to try again after a few days and allow my body to rest. Being the non-compliant patient that I am, I waited two days, did my inhaler and picked up where I left off.
The difference was striking. I made it through my work out and felt like I could keep going. Believe it or not, I was MAD! I had taken the program slower trying to make sure I could keep my breathing in check and never even tried my inhaler. Now, I do my inhaler about 10 minutes before starting. The difference still astonishes me. It is a matter of muscle conditioning the majority of the time vs. my breathing.
I pressed on through the program now determined to prove to myself that I COULD do it. I added a few new tunes that happen to motivate me and jogged three miles. That is beyond crazy to me!! I started out praying for 60 seconds to go by faster and now I am working on shaving time off my 3 mile jog. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be physically capable of doing this. It took me about 12 weeks to get to this point. Even more surprising--I get lost in my thoughts when I am jogging. It is almost like I can disconnect physically and spend time inside myself. It is a comforting place I enjoy visiting.
There is something to be said for accomplishing a physical goal...to push your body to its limits...and then a little more. I always thought people were crazy for jogging religiously. Now, I get it. To feel my muscles grow, my heart and lungs burn to keep pace with my legs, and then suddenly it isn't so hard anymore, to know that I can push my physical body to do more is addicting. The knowledge that I can do something I put my mind to that is just for me, no one else, is intoxicating.
I am signed up for my first 5K race. It is something I never thought I would be capable of doing. I will have a race number! I will get a t-shirt that says I did a 5K! Better yet, another friend who inspired me to even try the program will be there with me. She is actually training for a marathon now, so this will be no challenge for her. But she is doing it to support me! A coworker says she will go too. To say I am excited is an understatement!
What a journey that I am on...and it isn't even over yet :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Catching Up
Wow....time sure does fly! I can't believe it has been two months since I posted last.
First, I did go to confession. I emailed Father Rick and set up a time with him on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into that little room, sat down, and spent 45 minutes talking with him. It was some of the best 'therapy' I have ever had in my life. One of the most important things we talked about was this: I asked him, "why do we as catholics have confession? If Jesus died to save us from our sins, why confess?' I don't remember Father's exact words, but the message I took away was this: Jesus did die to save us from our sins. Confession is a celebration of sorts that we are saved. And yet it is also a way to say, I am not taking what Jesus did for me lightly and I want to try and do better. I want to try and do something meaningful to move my spirit closer to Jesus--aka penance. It is not 'I was naughty, what is my punishment.' It made a lot of sense in my heart.
I am not going to list my confessions or state what my penance was, but I will say this: it was meaningful on a spiritual level. It did help me to grow in my faith. And that, in my opinion, IS what confession is trying to teach me.
Second, we did renew our wedding vows in the church. Most of our family members were there. It was a small gathering after Saturday evening's first mass. It was brief, but provided my heart with a calm reassurance that I can not quite put into words.
I am hoping to take the next step in my faith journey and work towards confirmation. Classes start in September and meet weekly. More to come on that front as the time nears :)
Kim is still in my thoughts and heart on a regular basis. I can feel her presence at times, usually when I am outside playing with the kids. Rather fitting as she loved her girls and being a mother. I say hi when I feel her near and thank her for stopping by.
Overall, something in me is changing. I can not say exactly what it is, but when the day has quieted and I am left with my thoughts, I can feel myself changing. It is a strong, calm feeling that comes from somewhere deep inside of me. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I can not wait to find out!
First, I did go to confession. I emailed Father Rick and set up a time with him on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into that little room, sat down, and spent 45 minutes talking with him. It was some of the best 'therapy' I have ever had in my life. One of the most important things we talked about was this: I asked him, "why do we as catholics have confession? If Jesus died to save us from our sins, why confess?' I don't remember Father's exact words, but the message I took away was this: Jesus did die to save us from our sins. Confession is a celebration of sorts that we are saved. And yet it is also a way to say, I am not taking what Jesus did for me lightly and I want to try and do better. I want to try and do something meaningful to move my spirit closer to Jesus--aka penance. It is not 'I was naughty, what is my punishment.' It made a lot of sense in my heart.
I am not going to list my confessions or state what my penance was, but I will say this: it was meaningful on a spiritual level. It did help me to grow in my faith. And that, in my opinion, IS what confession is trying to teach me.
Second, we did renew our wedding vows in the church. Most of our family members were there. It was a small gathering after Saturday evening's first mass. It was brief, but provided my heart with a calm reassurance that I can not quite put into words.
I am hoping to take the next step in my faith journey and work towards confirmation. Classes start in September and meet weekly. More to come on that front as the time nears :)
Kim is still in my thoughts and heart on a regular basis. I can feel her presence at times, usually when I am outside playing with the kids. Rather fitting as she loved her girls and being a mother. I say hi when I feel her near and thank her for stopping by.
Overall, something in me is changing. I can not say exactly what it is, but when the day has quieted and I am left with my thoughts, I can feel myself changing. It is a strong, calm feeling that comes from somewhere deep inside of me. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I can not wait to find out!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Motherless Day
I apologize in advance for this somewhat scattered post......
It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks. I started to cry. It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim. Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter.
It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother? It makes me angry and tremendously sad.
I hope that they do celebrate Kim. Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them. That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.
I did not go to church this weekend. I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him. I need to have a private discussion with God this day.
I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe.
It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance. I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls. He says he will do that.
Children just should not be without their mothers. Period.
My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them. You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come. And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother? To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.
It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks. I started to cry. It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim. Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter.
It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother? It makes me angry and tremendously sad.
I hope that they do celebrate Kim. Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them. That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.
I did not go to church this weekend. I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him. I need to have a private discussion with God this day.
I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe.
It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance. I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls. He says he will do that.
Children just should not be without their mothers. Period.
My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them. You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come. And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother? To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Forgive Me Father
No one is perfect. Seems pretty obvious. But there are moments in my life I am not proud of and do not share with anyone really. They were sins according to the Catholic Church, or so I thought. I sent this most recent email to Father Rick:
*****
Father Rick
There is another question I have that would give me a great sense of spiritual relief to have ‘resolved.’ I was always taught that you do not have sexual relations before marriage. Well…I was not given a choice in the matter. As a result of what happened, I made a lot of decisions that I would not have otherwise made. Just to put your mind at ease, I have received counseling for what happened and even pressed legal charges against my predator many years ago. I have forgiven the person that did that to me, even taken pity on him. He has since met God and had to answer for his actions against me and other young girls.
I know that God wouldn’t hold me at fault for what happened. I guess my question is this…how do I spiritually know that what has happened since that time and some of the choices I am not necessarily proud of, are forgiven by God? ( I did not do ANYTHING to harm or be a predator to any one else. It was more believing that I did not deserve to be treated better as a woman and had no internal value). I have to say that truthfully, I don’t know that I would erase some of those things that I did because they allowed me to become what I am today—a loving mother, wife, and successful in my career. They were tremendous learning moments in my life. And looking back, I know without a doubt God was there protecting me. There is just no other way to explain how I managed to come through on the other side as the person I am now.
I need to know that I am forgiven by God. Even for the years it took me to go from victim to survivor and objectively I knew better on some of my choices, did them anyways because I didn’t think I deserved better.
It has been such a long road for me. This is the last piece of this puzzle for me and has taken me about 20 years to have the courage to ask it.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer these questions in email. Some things are just too emotional for me to ask in person. I don’t want to use all of your Kleenex :)
Have a wonderful day Father. And I will keep bugging my husband for who his witness will be.
Sincerely
Jaime
*****
I sent that email last night. I know he does not work on Tuesdays, so I did not expect a response today already. It was a little hard to read the first time because tears of relief started to well up in my eyes. Here is his response:
*****
Dear Jaime,
There are two immediate sayings that jump to my heart when I hear of the ache caused you by a predatory individual who caused you much pain and confusion but who also, as God writes straight with crooked lines, occasioned in you some graces to dedicate yourself to being loving wife, mother and woman of integrity - "a woman more sinned against than sinning" and "do not remember the sins of my youth, but in your love remember me because of your goodness, O Lord." When we're sorely sinned against, we are left with few, if any choices, and not the clear freedom we need to do the better we know now only by 20/20 hindsight - grave sin must be an ENTIRELY FREE act of the will - and someone victimized by a predator is NOT entirely free and, as such, not fully responsible as grave fear impedes freedom. And why is it so important that our God forgive the sins of our youth - because we become different, better people through what we experience, whether for good or for ill. My sense is that your are comfortable at this point with the part of the past has been both left behind as well as the part incorporated in you and your future - the assurance of God's forgiveness is in the prayer of absolution during confession, so I recommend a general confession mentioning this matter and hearing God's word of mercy and forgiveness in the sacred words that absolve our sins in the church at the will of the Father, by the power of Jesus, and throuth the Holy Spirit. You can simply come any weekend on a Saturday between 4-4:45PM or, if you prefer, slightly ahead of that regular time (in case you need some an extra kleenex and TLC) or by appointment at your convenience - maybe someday before renewing your vows this might feel right and good, and, as such, make the renewal of vows feel even better! With empathy, Father Rick
****
It's amazing isn't it?! One of the things I love about Father's responses is that he can point out in the bible where these types of issues are addressed. I am guessing I would have come across these points at some time, but the fact that he can tell me these things are there without me having to hunt for them is such a wonderful gift to me. Priceless actually.
I know that what I went through was not my fault, but it doesn't necessarily excuse my actions either. At some point, I did become aware that the choices I was making were not right in the eyes of God or in the run of life. For a long time I have felt unworthy because of some of the decisions I made. But to know that God still has His arms open to me despite all that...makes me want to cry.
I do plan to go to confession. Not in the sense that I feel 'guilty' but to know that God has not judged me and no longer 'pays attention' to those moments in my life. I feel that my penance was the hard work that I had to do to overcome what happened to me and to change my life and do something positive with it vs. continuing a horrid behavior of abuse to a child.
I genuinely hope that someone who reads this and possibly suffered a person struggle like mine can feel a sense of relief and be inspired to return to his/her own faith--catholic or whatever it might be. It's a loving, forgiving journey that I am on and has helped me to heal in ways I didn't even know that I was hurting.
*****
Father Rick
There is another question I have that would give me a great sense of spiritual relief to have ‘resolved.’ I was always taught that you do not have sexual relations before marriage. Well…I was not given a choice in the matter. As a result of what happened, I made a lot of decisions that I would not have otherwise made. Just to put your mind at ease, I have received counseling for what happened and even pressed legal charges against my predator many years ago. I have forgiven the person that did that to me, even taken pity on him. He has since met God and had to answer for his actions against me and other young girls.
I know that God wouldn’t hold me at fault for what happened. I guess my question is this…how do I spiritually know that what has happened since that time and some of the choices I am not necessarily proud of, are forgiven by God? ( I did not do ANYTHING to harm or be a predator to any one else. It was more believing that I did not deserve to be treated better as a woman and had no internal value). I have to say that truthfully, I don’t know that I would erase some of those things that I did because they allowed me to become what I am today—a loving mother, wife, and successful in my career. They were tremendous learning moments in my life. And looking back, I know without a doubt God was there protecting me. There is just no other way to explain how I managed to come through on the other side as the person I am now.
I need to know that I am forgiven by God. Even for the years it took me to go from victim to survivor and objectively I knew better on some of my choices, did them anyways because I didn’t think I deserved better.
It has been such a long road for me. This is the last piece of this puzzle for me and has taken me about 20 years to have the courage to ask it.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer these questions in email. Some things are just too emotional for me to ask in person. I don’t want to use all of your Kleenex :)
Have a wonderful day Father. And I will keep bugging my husband for who his witness will be.
Sincerely
Jaime
*****
I sent that email last night. I know he does not work on Tuesdays, so I did not expect a response today already. It was a little hard to read the first time because tears of relief started to well up in my eyes. Here is his response:
*****
Dear Jaime,
There are two immediate sayings that jump to my heart when I hear of the ache caused you by a predatory individual who caused you much pain and confusion but who also, as God writes straight with crooked lines, occasioned in you some graces to dedicate yourself to being loving wife, mother and woman of integrity - "a woman more sinned against than sinning" and "do not remember the sins of my youth, but in your love remember me because of your goodness, O Lord." When we're sorely sinned against, we are left with few, if any choices, and not the clear freedom we need to do the better we know now only by 20/20 hindsight - grave sin must be an ENTIRELY FREE act of the will - and someone victimized by a predator is NOT entirely free and, as such, not fully responsible as grave fear impedes freedom. And why is it so important that our God forgive the sins of our youth - because we become different, better people through what we experience, whether for good or for ill. My sense is that your are comfortable at this point with the part of the past has been both left behind as well as the part incorporated in you and your future - the assurance of God's forgiveness is in the prayer of absolution during confession, so I recommend a general confession mentioning this matter and hearing God's word of mercy and forgiveness in the sacred words that absolve our sins in the church at the will of the Father, by the power of Jesus, and throuth the Holy Spirit. You can simply come any weekend on a Saturday between 4-4:45PM or, if you prefer, slightly ahead of that regular time (in case you need some an extra kleenex and TLC) or by appointment at your convenience - maybe someday before renewing your vows this might feel right and good, and, as such, make the renewal of vows feel even better! With empathy, Father Rick
****
It's amazing isn't it?! One of the things I love about Father's responses is that he can point out in the bible where these types of issues are addressed. I am guessing I would have come across these points at some time, but the fact that he can tell me these things are there without me having to hunt for them is such a wonderful gift to me. Priceless actually.
I know that what I went through was not my fault, but it doesn't necessarily excuse my actions either. At some point, I did become aware that the choices I was making were not right in the eyes of God or in the run of life. For a long time I have felt unworthy because of some of the decisions I made. But to know that God still has His arms open to me despite all that...makes me want to cry.
I do plan to go to confession. Not in the sense that I feel 'guilty' but to know that God has not judged me and no longer 'pays attention' to those moments in my life. I feel that my penance was the hard work that I had to do to overcome what happened to me and to change my life and do something positive with it vs. continuing a horrid behavior of abuse to a child.
I genuinely hope that someone who reads this and possibly suffered a person struggle like mine can feel a sense of relief and be inspired to return to his/her own faith--catholic or whatever it might be. It's a loving, forgiving journey that I am on and has helped me to heal in ways I didn't even know that I was hurting.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Easter Eve
I have continued on my journey growing in my faith. I have enjoyed it quite a bit! I did a Bible study class during lent which was actually a class geared towards answering: how/when/who wrote the Bible?? It was a fact based class that made the Bible seem so much more real to me rather than being this book that just 'exists'. (no disrespect intended). I am hopeful that the gentleman who did the class will do another one!
My husband and I did go and talk to Father Rick about getting our marriage blessed. It was a very non-intimidating process of talking to him. He asked about our wedding and I explained why we did it the way that we did it. We also talked about why it was important to us to have the marriage blessed in the church. We filled out some paperwork and now we have to get a few things in order--baptism records, our marriage certificate. Then, we can set a date! I am really excited!! I am hoping to do it close to the date of our 6 year anniversary this year. I am also looking forward to having my friend who encouraged me to return to the church and explore my faith be the witness for my side. Seems quite fitting if you ask me!
I have also been trying to keep up with the daily Bible readings. It is a challenge some days as I just want to go to sleep or relax. I am always happy that I took the time to do it. The readings are usually a paragraph or two. It doesn't take more than 10 minutes. However, I usually end up reading more because I want to know more about what happens. Some parts are easy to understand and others are a bit more challenging.
If there is one thing that I have learned through this process, it is that faith is something that you work at and cultivate. Seems pretty obvious I suppose. But I guess I always thought you either have faith or you do not. And to some extent that is true, however, the difference is how much you open your heart to it has many different levels. For me, it is a gradual process.
I find some things seem to be changing in my life in a subtle way. I feel a greater sense of peace creeping into my life. The best analogy I can come up with is it's like sitting at the ocean. it is peaceful even though the waves are crashing on the beach, the birds are flying around, the breeze waxes and wanes. My life isn't calm like a lake when it perfectly reflects the world around it. It is more like the ocean--in a constant motion, always changing, but some how peaceful. I believe it is my search for understanding in my faith that has made me feel much more grounded in my life. I wish I had started this journey sooner instead of wasting time trying to find peace in financial gain, perfectly obedient children, or the most successful position at work. Peace and faith come from and are grown within. It isn't something you arrive at or achieve and then you can take a breath and not have to worry about it anymore. It is something that I control and that is such an empowering feeling.
Easter this year has a meaning for me it has never had before. I always used to think of Easter bunnies and brightly colored eggs. Now I think about the fact that Jesus will be resurrected tomorrow and is our proof that this life is just the beginning. When our journey ends on earth, we begin in heaven. It is why I will get to see Kim again. It is how I know she is at peace in a place where I can not be with her just yet. It is also where I will see my children and husband when we can't be here together anymore. What a truly amazing gift we are given. How can I not celebrate??!!
My husband and I did go and talk to Father Rick about getting our marriage blessed. It was a very non-intimidating process of talking to him. He asked about our wedding and I explained why we did it the way that we did it. We also talked about why it was important to us to have the marriage blessed in the church. We filled out some paperwork and now we have to get a few things in order--baptism records, our marriage certificate. Then, we can set a date! I am really excited!! I am hoping to do it close to the date of our 6 year anniversary this year. I am also looking forward to having my friend who encouraged me to return to the church and explore my faith be the witness for my side. Seems quite fitting if you ask me!
I have also been trying to keep up with the daily Bible readings. It is a challenge some days as I just want to go to sleep or relax. I am always happy that I took the time to do it. The readings are usually a paragraph or two. It doesn't take more than 10 minutes. However, I usually end up reading more because I want to know more about what happens. Some parts are easy to understand and others are a bit more challenging.
If there is one thing that I have learned through this process, it is that faith is something that you work at and cultivate. Seems pretty obvious I suppose. But I guess I always thought you either have faith or you do not. And to some extent that is true, however, the difference is how much you open your heart to it has many different levels. For me, it is a gradual process.
I find some things seem to be changing in my life in a subtle way. I feel a greater sense of peace creeping into my life. The best analogy I can come up with is it's like sitting at the ocean. it is peaceful even though the waves are crashing on the beach, the birds are flying around, the breeze waxes and wanes. My life isn't calm like a lake when it perfectly reflects the world around it. It is more like the ocean--in a constant motion, always changing, but some how peaceful. I believe it is my search for understanding in my faith that has made me feel much more grounded in my life. I wish I had started this journey sooner instead of wasting time trying to find peace in financial gain, perfectly obedient children, or the most successful position at work. Peace and faith come from and are grown within. It isn't something you arrive at or achieve and then you can take a breath and not have to worry about it anymore. It is something that I control and that is such an empowering feeling.
Easter this year has a meaning for me it has never had before. I always used to think of Easter bunnies and brightly colored eggs. Now I think about the fact that Jesus will be resurrected tomorrow and is our proof that this life is just the beginning. When our journey ends on earth, we begin in heaven. It is why I will get to see Kim again. It is how I know she is at peace in a place where I can not be with her just yet. It is also where I will see my children and husband when we can't be here together anymore. What a truly amazing gift we are given. How can I not celebrate??!!
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