This is the amount of time my friend has left in this world based on her symptoms and increase in pain. She is now on a morphine pump. The oral medications just were not covering her pain anymore. Just to put this into perspective, when I was a nurse on the cardiac floor, I could usually give a patient with chest pain 1-2mg morphine every 2-4 hours as needed. I almost never gave it more than once. My friend was taking 120mg of morphine orally, twice daily with oxycotin 80mg immediate release as needed. That amount of narcotics could kill a horse...no joke. And it doesn't even address her pain adequately anymore. The amount of narcotics she needs to not feel pain, or at least be comfortable, may kill her if the cancer doesn't first. It is just a race now to see which one will take her first.
Mercy...I have been thinking about that word for days. What does it mean in my friend's situation? Is her God given mercy death? I have no doubt that God will take her into heaven...free from a cancer ridden body that would never be able to defeat its enemy. That must be the mercy he will show her.
We were supposed to go the spa next Saturday to get manicures and pedicures together. She is not able to go anymore, so I found someone to go to her. If there is anything on this earth that I can do for her, I am going to do it. I can't help but feel cheated again out of time with my friend. She didn't get to meet my boys, and we don't get to spend those hours together just being girls. No one has to tell me...I know I am being selfish again. And yet, I can't help but feel what I do.
I find myself asking so many questions...why does she have to go? why do I have to stay? Why do I get to stay and raise my children and she does not? Why do her children have to grow up without their mother? I hope that some day this will all become clear to me.
I want to go outside and scream at God...release an emotional overload onto Him..let him carry my pain. I am reminded of the saying Footprints. God, will you carry me through this? I am just not strong enough. My sadness feels like it is suffocating my heart...it makes it hard to breathe, my chest hurts, and my eyes burn from crying.
You don't need to be the strong one. I think that Kim is being strong enough for you both. Know that at the moment she leaves this earth she will be surrounded by angels. I hears it's the most beautiful moment in ones life.
ReplyDeleteHard to imagine a moment more beautiful then the first time you hold your baby. But I guess this is. Maybe because that moment is about yourself and all other moments in life are never truely about yourself. I don't know. God didn't DO this to her nor to you. It is just something that happened.
To show your faith and to show faith to Kim is what you need to do. Make sure she is ready to meet God. What a wonderful thing huh? to actually meet God and sit down and ask him all these questions that have built up over our life. Lucky that Kim gets to find out the answers now.
You need to let go and let God. I pray that God holds you close in this time and gives you comfort. I pray that you feel His warmth and comfort during the next few weeks.