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I knew I was going to see Kim again.  I decided on Friday that I would go after work.  Knowing this early in the day made me want to be at work less and less.  I made it through the day and headed home. 

I tried to prepare myself for the worst...her not recognizing me.  I changed clothes and jumped in the car.  The drive there went too fast and yet it took forever.  I was trying to come up with something to say that would allow me to bow out of the room without upsetting her or letting her see that I was upset if need be.  Nothing good came to mind.

I walked into the building and signed in on the guest board like I had done so many times. 

4:55pm

The nurse sitting at the desk smiled at me.  I had seen her many times before when I came to visit.  I asked her "How is she doing today?"

She did not sugar coat it one bit.  "She is unresponsive.  We think she is in her last 72 hours."

It hit me like a stun gun.  I did not even have time to think about crying...the tears started flowing.  I quickly grabbed some tissues and turned to walk to her room.  No worries about her remembering me anymore.  She wouldn't even be able to acknowledge me.  I almost felt like I was suffocating.  It's not like I didn't know this day would come.  I just didn't know it would be today.  You always think you have one more day, one more hour, one more moment......

I rounded the corner...walking down the hall to her room....last one on the right.  Room 8.  I was wiping away the tears as I walked.  I got to her door and kept walking.  I knew if I stopped,  I would never keep going. 

I entered quietly.  I saw the vases of flowers from her birthday still full of color and life.   Then I saw Kim...barely hanging on.  She was curled up in a semi fetal position...eyes almost all the way closed.  Her breathing was shallow and quick.  I pulled a chair next to her bed and held her hand.

It was warm, tiny, and I could feel her pulse.  Nails still perfect.  Her pajams barely hung on to what was left of her now tiny frame.  I said her name and she didn't respond.  I cried...for awhile.  Held her hand....and cried some more.  I was grateful to be alone with her.  I knew this would be the last time I would hold her hand. 

"I love you Kim.  I will never forget you. It's ok....you can let go now.  You made it through the girls' birthdays.  You can go now."  I cried....and cried.

Someone walked into the room.  I didn't recognize her.

'Oh my gosh. I am sorry.' She said.
'No, No! It's fine.  I am just visiting.'  I said.

Kim's exhusband, Drew, walked in behind her.  He said hello.  'Did you want to be alone?' He asked.
'No...it's fine.' I replied.  I stood up from the chair to let one of them sit.

The girl told me that Kim was talking the night before.  I asked if the girls had been up to see Kim.  Drew said that he was not letting them come up anymore.  I decided to go for a walk. I called my mom and told her what was happening.  She knew Kim from when we were friends in highschool.  She cried too.  I hung up the phone and waited a bit.  I then turned and walked back in.  The girl that had come in earlier was leaving.  Drew was sitting and holidng Kim's hand.

He looked up at me, 'I can move if you want me too.'
'No....that's fine.' I said the word 'fine' several times....but nothing was.  Everything was wrong.  I started to cry.  I told him I should get going. 

'Do you need a minute alone?' he asked.
I couldn't answer right away. I felt selfish for asking for any of these last hours. 'If you wouldn't mind.'
'Absolutely.'  He stood up, touched my shoulder and walked out closing the door behind him. 

I sat down again and held her hand.  I tried catching my breath and to steady my voice.  They say that the last of the senses to go is hearing.  I wanted her to hear me... "You will have your angel wings soon and I know they will be beautiful.  I will miss you.  You will be with your dad soon.  I am sure he is waiting. I love you Kim.'  She moaned a little bit.  I like to think she may have been trying to say something.  I stroked her cheek, gave her a kiss. 

'I love you Kim.' I turned and left.  I opened the door, Drew again touched my shoulder in comfort.  The huge lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything so I nodded and kept walking.  I made it to the front desk where the nurse looked at me with a knowing glance and wrote down my sign out time.

5:55pm

I got in my car and went home knowing this was the last time I would drive down that winding road away from the hospice home. 

When I returned back home, my boys were waiting for me...oblivious to what had happened.  I carried on with my normal mom duties and tried to hide my sorrow.  I sent a text message to Kim's brother and asked if he would let me know when she passed.  He said he would.

I woke up the next morning and started making breakfast.  It was about 9:30am.  I wondered when the call or text message would come. 

It came about an hour and fifteen minutes later.  Her brother sent me a text message and shortly after Drew called me.  He was letting me know that she had passed.  I told him to please let me know if there was anything at all that I could do.  He said he would.  'The next conversation is going to be the hard one.  I have to tell the girls.'  I couldn't speak.  I looked at my boys sitting and eating the last of their breakfast.  I mumbled something, I can't remember what, and then said 'Thanks Drew.  Take care.' and I hung up the phone.

Approximately 10:45am on Saturday October 1st Kim finally got her wings and she flew home.  Away from pain, agony, sadness, and loss.  As happy as I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, I am still sad that she is not here anymore to share in this journey we call life.

I have no doubt at all that I will see her again.  I hope that she is one of the first people I see in heaven.  I hope she keeps an eye on me down here and gently guides me in the right direction. 

Her funeral services are Wednesday.