See You Later

I got up this morning and thought, 'this is going to be a hell of a long day.'  I got ready for work, and it was far busier than normal for a Wednesday.  I was grateful. 

The thing that surprised me was that even when I allowed my thoughts to go to the fact that Kim's funeral was today, I didn't feel the need to cry.  I actually felt relief....that her suffering and pain was over...that she is in heaven.  I could have almost smiled.  I know that may sound so very wrong, but watching her suffer and knowing that she is finally free from a body that betrayed her is cause for a smile. 

The closer it came to the end of my work day, the more anxious I was getting and the more I just wanted to leave.  Finally, by 5pm, I grabbed my purse and coffee mug and headed out the door.  Not a single cloud in this immense blue sky above me and the sun was so bright.  The temperature was a bit warmer than normal.

Beautiful day to honor a beautiful friend.  I bet you she had something to do with it.

When I arrived home, my husband and kids were eating sub sandwiches.  Mine was wrapped up on the counter.  I told my husband that I would eat later.  The thought of having to sit still and actually eat was not possible.  I busied myself with getting ready far more than was necessary.  Soon enough it was time to leave.

My husband and I rode in the car to the funeral home making small talk.  I still did not feel the urge to cry, but it was not far off.  I could tell.

We pulled into the parking lot and a thought crossed my mind.  Several months ago Kim told me I would get a letter after she died.  I had no idea how or when I would get it.  I supposed tonight would be as likely as any to get it.  Then again, her family is going to busy with so many other things.  I began to think...should I give them my address??  Her older brother has my phone number.  What to do...?

I got out of the car and my husband held my hand as we walked in.  As soon as we walked through the entrance and turned to the right, there were Kim's daughters.  The were clamoring onto their Dad.  He quickly ushered them out the door we had just come in.  The tears welled up in my eyes and a few escaped.  I walked up to the guest book and signed it, then made an offering for her funeral expenses.  I remember her mom saying she would have to take out a loan to pay for the expenses.  How cruel....every month for however long making a payment knowing it was to bury one of your children.  I wish I had the money to pay for the entire thing. I would give it to the funeral home and not even let them tell her where the money came from.  Some things in this world are just NOT right.

I moved on to the picture boards.  They told about her life...daughter, mother, friend. I had to laugh at a few.  Then, on the last board, one picture jumped out at me.  It was Kim dancing with her dad on her wedding day.  They were both smiling at eachother and the bond they shared was obvious.  I thought, Kim...you are dancing in heaven with your dad, aren't you.'  I smiled and cried. 

We made it down to her mom and two brothers.  I shook both of the boys hands and gave her mom a hug.  She looked exhausted and numb.  I introduced my husband and we offered condolences.  Her younger brother looked at me and said, 'I have a letter for you, but I am pretty sure you knew that.'  My heart lept.  'I can get it for you now if you like,' he said.  'No no.  That's fine.  I can wait.  Whenever it is convenient for you.'  I wanted to say more, but there was a long line of people behind us.  I walked past a few gorgeous flower arrangements...lilies of all kinds which were her favorite. 

Then there was Kim.  Resting peacefully.  It always strikes me how anyone so full of life can suddenly be so still.  Her nails still perfectly manicured.  She had on a purple sweater and black pants.  I know she had picked those out.  Hot salty tears were plentiful now.

I did not have anything I felt I needed to say.  I had said that on Friday.  My only thought was, 'See you later.'  I do not believe in goodbyes.  I know I will see her later.  My faith has taught me that.

We walked to the back and I sat down.  I watched people continue to arrive and pay their respects.  I did not feel like talking.  I sat quietly and waited for the service to begin. My husband, Jason, held my hand and sat quietly.  The staff members of the funeral home handed out the programs for the service.  On the cover the words 'Faith, Hope, Love' were printed.  I looked down at my purse, the same words scrawled across the sides.  I held the program in my hand and couldn't open it.  Suffice it to say that the rest of the service I had periods where I could not fight the tears but did manage to maintain composure.

I finally opened the program and the first song was one of my absolute favorites.  I knew there was no way I could sing that song.  I closed the program and tried to catch my breath.  Slow deep breaths. 

The pastor began the service and I listened to all the readings and such.  He then started talking about the time he spent with Kim and her faith.  He said he went to see her on her birthday.  Her room was decorated with cards, balloons, flowers, etc and was fit for a party.  There was only one thing missing....Kim!  I had to chuckle a little.  I was the one that had taken her out that day.  No one else had.  Here I am at one of my best friends funerals and I find out this!  I smiled.

The service finished and we were told that we would pass by Kim before we left the service.  Another wave of tears came over me.  Jason took my hand and we got into line.  One more time we walked by the picture boards.  I looked at the wedding picture again where she was dancing with her dad and smiled.  We got to Kim, I said in my heart, 'I love you...and I will see you later.' 

We walked into the foyer area and there was Drew, her ex husband, but very close friend.  I gave him a hug and asked how the girls were doing.  He said that they were actually doing okay.  They had private family time prior to friends and such being allowed to come.  They stayed for a short while and then were taken home.  I said to him, 'If you ever need anything for the girls, please let me know.  A lot of people may say that, but truly, anything at all..don't hesitate to let me know.'  He thanked Jason and me.

We then walked out of the foyer over to where they were serving refreshments.  I looked for her younger brother and he was talking with a small group of people. I told Jason that I wanted to get the letter and then we could head out.  We stood close by and a few minutes later, I saw him pull out a handful of envelopes.  He handed them to some of the people standing around him.  He saw me and began fingering through them.  He then pulled out one with my name on it.  Again, I had to chuckle.  She couldn't seem to remember what my married name was so she always called me by my maiden name. I had teased her about that a couple of times good heartedly. And I suppose to be fair, I could never say her married name right either. On the envelope she had tried to spell my married name, but put my maiden name in parentheses too.  My phone number was below my name. 

I gave him a hug and told him to keep in touch.  I then said goodbye.  As I was leaving I saw her older brother.  This time, he gave me a hug.  I asked him to keep in touch too.  Without Kim, I suppose there isn't much reason to talk, but I so adore her family.  I hope on some level we can keep in contact.

I was still holding the letter like a piece of fine China.  We got to the truck and I put it on my lap.  I said to Jason, 'I can't read this tonight.  Not yet.'  I slipped it into my purse.  I do not know when I will read it.  I only know that it is not right now.  Some day......