Time to myself....

As a mama, time to myself is such a rarity. It usually only happens in the bathroom at work...and even then I usually have other business to attend to!!

Giggle galore!

Noah has a new favorite game--fluffing the blanket! He sits in his bouncy seat and I throw the blanket up into the air and let it land on him. Then, I slowly pull it away. Talk about full belly giggles!! He LOVES it!! Those little arms and legs get going so much it is like he is doing the worm :) It's so nice when they are easy to please!!

Baptism

Noah's baptism was today. I am not sure why I have cried at both Nathan and Noah's baptism. It is an emotional day for me. I am not sobbing or anything, but I have to dry my eyes. The priest did a very nice job :) Church was full too!!

Noah wore a super cute all white tux looking outfit. He looked so dang cute :) He even got a fleece blanket that was made by the grade schoolers!

Afterwords it was back home for food!! Yummy turkey sandwiches, cheesey potatoes, and cake!! Not to mention the snacky stuff.

The only hard part about these types of occasions is that it never really seems as important to everyone else as it does to my husband and me. I am not sure if I am expecting too much from everyone else. Of course they are not as emotionally invested in my children as I am, but sometimes it feels like people just come for show. This makes me disheartened...

The important part is that my second baby is baptised!! Yay baby Noah!! May God bless you!!

Missed my boys...

it amazes me sometimes....I can have days where I am ok with going to work and of course I miss my boys, but it is just life. Today, for whatever reason, I just really missed my boys. No particular reason...just really wanted to see them, touch them, love them :) And of course it had to be a day where I was stuck at work much later than normal. As soon as I got home, it was hugs and kisses from mama!! Of course, my two year old's response was "no mama!!" giggling away. My baby of course giggled and scrunched his neck where i tried to tickle him with kisses. aaaahhhh!!!! it's a GREAT life :-)

some days

Some days I get mad at myself for not being more patient, understanding, compassionate, affectionate...some days I just do not feel like I have it to give. I suppose this just makes me human and it does no good to get upset with myself. It probably only makes the situation worse...the old snow ball rolling down the hill analogy.

some days I just want both kids to be sleeping peacefully so I can have five minutes to myself...then I feel selfish for wanting five minutes when my kids want me.

some days i get mad at myself because i can not make one of them happy enough to stop crying. I don't have all the answers and that frustrates me too. some days I just wonder if I am cut out for this role as a mama...

I hope God gives me the courage and strength I need to get through days like this....

Mother's Day

My husband has asked me several times what I want for Mother's Day. I would like to take this opportunity to tell him what I do not want...Here we go...

I don't want to be peed on, pooped on, drooled on, spit on, barfed on, or sucked on. I don't want to have to stand while eat my meal over the sink. I don't want to eat cold or partially reheated food. I don't want to be interrupted when I am in the bathroom. I don't want to have to change diapers. I don't want to have to wipe dirty hands and faces. I don't want to have to do dishes or laundry. I don't want to have to pay the bills. I don't want to have phone conversations interrupted. I don't want to have to get up on time. I don't want to have to do anything I don't want to do.

I don't want to have to wait to hear "I love you" from the kids because they are too busy playing. Matter of fact...I don't want to have to wait for hugs and kisses either. I don't want to have to share my kids' time with anyone but my husband. I don't want the kids to be crabby or difficult. I don't want to have to drain the bathtub water because it is too cold to keep playing in the tub. I don't want the kids to be sick.

I don't want the weather to be crummy. (okay that's a super hard one to achieve!) I don't want to have to reheat my coffee three times because I keep having to do something. I don't want to watch the same cartoon for the 500th time--could we at least watch a different one?

I don't want you or the kids away from home. I don't want to be interrupted during my shower. I don't want to have to jump up and get the kids when they start crying or wake up from a nap.

I don't want this to last any longer than 24 hours because I love being a mama and everything that goes with it.

The Loss of a Child

An internet friend has lost her baby at 20 weeks gestation. I can not even imagine what it would be like to loose a child of any age. My heart just aches for her. How do you begin to process what is happening? how do you begin to grieve?

It makes me so eternally grateful for my babies and their health. I realize how blessed I am and it makes me pray that God will let me keep them forever, and that God might just spare moms from having to say good bye to a child.....not realistic I know, but it does not mean I can not at least ask.

The Curve Ball

One of the hardest things in my life I will have to deal with is the loss of a very special friend in my life. We were fabulous friends throughout highschool and let's just say that we drifted apart for many years. One day my mom was in a gas station and saw a collection can for a woman who had cancer...my friend. Mom called me to tell me what she had seen not thinking it would upset me so much because I had not mentioned her name in many years. However, I immediately broke down crying.

I tried calling my dear friend and was only met with an answering machine on the other end. I barely choked out who I was and my phone number.

I waited for a reply and heard nothing. I attempted contacting her through her brother's online profile, and it took awhile to hear from him. He said she was indeed ill and he would pass along my message. I so desperately wanted to hear from her, but felt completely selfish in wanting to take any of her precious time.

I resigned myself to the fact that I would not hear from her and I was going to have to accept that. The months wore on and I wondered how I would find out about her passing...newspaper, mutual aquaintence...?????? How would I say goodbye? At her funeral? At her grave site?

One day I signed on to the online website where I found her borther. She had replied to me through his account. I immediately started crying. She was alive! She wanted to contact me! She took the time to reply to me! I had no idea what to say. "How's it going?" just seems like a rhetorical and stupid question. I choose my words wisely as I didn't, and still don't, have any idea how many times I will be able to talk to her. Time is priceless so choosing words seems critical. What do you say to someone who is dying?

We have been talking through email and text messaging. Our conversations are precious to me. Most of the time I have a hard time thinking of what to say without sounding insignificant. I would imagine always talking about her illness is hard for her and maybe some of the 'normal' conversation is nice.

This is truely a curve ball for me that I have no idea how to catch...

My First Time...

with a child in the hospital was rough to say the least. Nathan was in the hospital with pneumonia for four days. My house felt so empty. I could not be there with him for the majority of the time because I had to be home to take care of our newborn. I really did not want to give up breast feeding, so my time spent at the hospital with my son was less than ideal. I can tell you that it will be a long time before I complain about having toys to pick up or dishes to wash. It was so strange to pick up my house and not have to do it again for several days. I all of a sudden felt like I had so much time on my hands. I would look at the clock and watch time crawl by wondering what and how Nathan was doing...what was his oxygen level, was he getting medications, was he coughing, was he crying, sleeping, eating?? I tried not to be too obnoxious text messaging my hubby as to what was going on and thankfully he tolerated it quite well.

When he did finally get to come home, my tears were imminent. To have him here, at home, with me, Noah, and my husband was absolutely priceless. Noah heard him in the house and started grinning from ear to ear. It amazed me that he seemed to be aware of the fact that his brother was home. Did I mention how quiet my house seemed to be when he was gone? I really didn't have any idea how much my children filled up my life until one of them was absent.

Looking back now, I find myself angry. I had been saying to his physicians that he needed to be hospitalized because he was getting worse and home management was not working. At several different points, I feel like the system failed him, and to some degree as though I failed him for not advocating harder, longer, louder, to get my son what I knew as a mama he needed. I am not quite sure how to resolve this in my mind so I can again feel comfortable and confident in dealing with the medical issues of my children. I do not want to be the mama that cries wolf, but I also want to be heard. I will likely have a conversation with his doctors about why things happned the way that the did...that's not asking too much, is it?

After this experience, I can honestly say I have no idea how families with chronically ill children do it. I suppose you learn to adapt, but I do not know that I am cut from the fabric of motherhood that would be able to handle it. I have a new respect for those families.

The meaning of silence...

it is so true that once you become a parent silence takes on an entirely different meaning in your life. It is when your child(ren) is: getting into trouble, sleeping soundly...finally, about to let go the loudest cry, discovering something new with a look of awe, waiting in anticipation for you to chase them, seeing all the presents Santa left under the Christmas tree, beaming with pride at a newly learned task..so many things change when you become a parent that you simply can not anticipate.

sacrifice?

There is no doubt that having children changes the decisions you may have otherwise made. I have thought about going on in school and this past week I looked up graduate programs. I found out I would have to apply for entry this upcoming fall and slam in a statistics class first in order to avoid having to repeat undergraduate classes. Now, if i did not have children, I would certainly fight to get it done.

I am just not willing to do that...

I thought about this for awhile and at first I thought, I am sacrificing furthering my education to be a mama. Then I thought...if I did start graduate school what I would be missing with my children is far more valuable. School will always be there, my sons childhoods only happen once and are priceless.

So the question became, am I really sacrificing anything by putting of school? The answer of course is no.

What it is all about...

The arrival of my second son has been wonderful. We were blessed to have a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby. Life does not get any better.

I was sitting on the couch Christmas morning and I just started crying. It's amazing when you realize everything you want or need in life at that moment is right in front of you. I felt complete. I honestly was not interested in Christmas presents because I knew there was nothing in those packages that I needed. Watching my older son's excitement with my husband at Santa having come while nursing my newborn was the best thing I could have gotten that morning.

This is what the holidays are all about!