Her New Home

Kim has been in hospice for just over a week now. I have visitied her twice. She seems to be doing ok. Her room is pretty...very nice view of a water fountain that the birds love to bathe in. She has a couch, a comfy recliner, a small desk type area...a television...and a few other things. You can tell they try to make it homey. She has three windows right next to eachother that all can be opened and a door leading out to a small patio. There is a few store bags with a castle and princess toys for her daughters...plenty of pictures of Kim and her girls. I have been trying to think of something to bring her that would give it a 'touch of home', but I can't think of anything.

The swelling in her feet has gone down tremendously. I assume it has to do with all the adjustable positions on her chair and bed to keep her feet elevated.

She is able to get up and walk around...sit outside. Her spirits are good. I asked her the last time I was there if she is still seeing her dad, and she said, 'not lately.' She is sleeping more and more. I am glad she is comfortable in mind and spirit. There is even someone in her life who has come to make amends with her and she is happy about that.

It's amazing to me....how different our lives are at this point...how easily it could be me instead of her. She is preparing to die and I am working full time, raising a family, going on a vacation this weekend. Our lives are very similar in some ways too...we are both mothers, dedicated to our children, have hopes and dreams. It is such a difficult thing for me to process and I have had over a year to wrap my mind around it. I suspect I never will.

I decided to memorialize my friend and everything she has taught me in a rather personal way. I designed my first tattoo. One of my other closest friends went with me to get it done. I wasn't sure Kim would be here long enough to see it, but she did. She very much approved. I am not sure I could ever convey the deep meaning this tattoo has for me. It is not a tattoo, it is a piece of art that I will always have with me for the rest of my life.

Here We Go

A few days ago, I was able to spend some time with Kim. She seemed to be able to tolerate the higher doses of morphine a little bit better. She was able to stay more awake, although she would still drift off at times during our conversation. I asked if there was anything else i could help her do. She said "no. I can't write any more letters because I could go on forever. I have written some letters 2-3 times. I just have to stop."

She told me that since her nurse last visited and mentioned it is getting close to the time to go to the hospice facility, everyone has been treating her like she is 10 years old. She's tired of it. She says she feels like she has to have a babysitter all the time, someone giving her medications, and someone taking her cell phone away. She asked me to help her with getting her pain pump cartridge changed. I sat on the couch patiently waiting for her to ask for help. She only needed help once.

Again, I could tell she was tired and I told her, "Kim....get some sleep my dear. I will be back again soon." I told her I would text her later in the week to find out what would work best.

She texted me first. She is going to the hospice facility this Friday or Saturday. She told me that she feels like going to hospice is offically giving up. My heart broke. I think it is more like saying, 'enough.' She has suffered for a year and half....through surgeries, chemotherapy, not to mention the emotional struggles with her children. As much as it breaks my heart to loose her, I hate seeing her suffer. I would much rather know she has her angel wings and is free from the disease that has attacked her body.

Love goes on....and so will she.