with a child in the hospital was rough to say the least. Nathan was in the hospital with pneumonia for four days. My house felt so empty. I could not be there with him for the majority of the time because I had to be home to take care of our newborn. I really did not want to give up breast feeding, so my time spent at the hospital with my son was less than ideal. I can tell you that it will be a long time before I complain about having toys to pick up or dishes to wash. It was so strange to pick up my house and not have to do it again for several days. I all of a sudden felt like I had so much time on my hands. I would look at the clock and watch time crawl by wondering what and how Nathan was doing...what was his oxygen level, was he getting medications, was he coughing, was he crying, sleeping, eating?? I tried not to be too obnoxious text messaging my hubby as to what was going on and thankfully he tolerated it quite well.
When he did finally get to come home, my tears were imminent. To have him here, at home, with me, Noah, and my husband was absolutely priceless. Noah heard him in the house and started grinning from ear to ear. It amazed me that he seemed to be aware of the fact that his brother was home. Did I mention how quiet my house seemed to be when he was gone? I really didn't have any idea how much my children filled up my life until one of them was absent.
Looking back now, I find myself angry. I had been saying to his physicians that he needed to be hospitalized because he was getting worse and home management was not working. At several different points, I feel like the system failed him, and to some degree as though I failed him for not advocating harder, longer, louder, to get my son what I knew as a mama he needed. I am not quite sure how to resolve this in my mind so I can again feel comfortable and confident in dealing with the medical issues of my children. I do not want to be the mama that cries wolf, but I also want to be heard. I will likely have a conversation with his doctors about why things happned the way that the did...that's not asking too much, is it?
After this experience, I can honestly say I have no idea how families with chronically ill children do it. I suppose you learn to adapt, but I do not know that I am cut from the fabric of motherhood that would be able to handle it. I have a new respect for those families.