I have continued going to church and have really enjoyed Father Rick. He seems passionate but not over the top; caring but not so much so that it seems forced; knowledgeable without being intimidating.
I decided to email him, the suggestion of a friend, to ask about my question with regards to my marriage. I was not sure how to word what I wanted to say. Here is what I wrote:
"Father Rick
I realize that you don't know me by face, but I am hoping you might be willing to provide me with some guidance. I have had some life changing events take place over the last year that have led me to want to return to my religious roots. This is a process that I need to take one step at a time. I have always been spiritual, but not necessarily religious from the time I left my private grade school in 8th grade. I am finding I have a lot of misconceptions about the Catholic faith. I am working through them one at a time.
I am hoping you could answer a question for me that has been nagging at me for a long time. My husband and I choose to be married by a nondenominational minister. I would like to know if our marriage is 'recognized' by the Catholic church. I know that we may not have received the sacrament of marriage, but it would break my heart if in the eyes of the church the first 5½ years of our marriage didn't 'count'. I do not know if I am using the correct terms or not, so I hope you understand what I am getting at. My hope is that my husband and I could renew our wedding vows in the church at some point.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to answer this very important question for me."
Off the email went and I could not help but check my email repeatedly throughout the day. I sent it on Saturday and it dawned on me that I probably would not hear from him until after the weekend services were finished.
I got ready for church on Sunday and my oldest son wanted to go. Off we went. I wondered if somehow, just by looking at me, he would know I was the one that sent the email....if he had even read it.
Silly, huh?
It has been an interesting experience so far for me going to church. One of the readings from this past week had to do with marriage. How it mirrors God's love. When I met my husband, I knew he had to be 'made' for me, not because he is the perfect human being, but he was everything I was looking for in so many ways I can not even begin to explain. He certainly can frustrate me and we have had some growing pains in our marriage, but that is to be expected. I could not be more proud of what we have grown together in the last 5 1/2 years.
As mass ended, I scooped up my son and took him to the middle isle where Father walks by and held out my son's little hand. Sure enough, he gave my son a high five. My heart was happy.
We left and went on with our day. I continued to check regularly for a reply from him. No answer as of Sunday night when I went to bed. That's ok, I thought. Sunday must be his busiest day.
Monday morning I woke up and went about my normal routine. I had the best day at work I had had in a long time--but that's another post :) I got home and checked my email. There was a response from Father Rick. I could feel my heart skip a beat and read his reply quickly the first time:
"Dear J,
Thanks for sharing with me a bit of your excitement about returning to your religious roots - a bit of a distinction, a sensitive one, is required in answering your question about your marriage outside the Catholic Church, that distinction involving the status of BOTH civil and sacramental marriages. A marriage always "counts" as it is a natural bond fashioned by God, a bond of love that allows us to both see and reflect more beautifully how much and how well God loves each and everyone of us - Saint Paul says that marriage "mirrors," reflects divine love! So your marriage counts!! Alleluia!! However, something more needs to be part of your marriage in a specifically Catholic way and that is the sacramental form/understanding of marriage that would occur by having your marriage blessed in the church - this would normally occur on your way back into the church as an active and practicing Catholic who wishes to receive all the sacraments - it is called a "validation" formally and is actually quite simple to do and there are a variety of formats it can take depending on the willingness of your spouse to participate minimally - this assumes that this was indeed and is a first marriage for both of you - if for any reason it is a second/subsequent marriage for either of you there may be need for some additional church administrative process, but that would only be able to be determined through a conversation that detailed your marital history(ies) somewhat, but not overly difficult. Hopefully this answers your question as much as needed - would certainly enjoy meeting you at Mass someday soon! In God's love, Father Rick"
I actually had tears in my eyes!! The wave of relief that came over me was incredible. That was yesterday and I am still over the moon happy. I look forward to talking with him about how we can have our marriage blessed in the church.
The next question will be much more difficult to ask. I do not want to ask it in person, at least not at this point, because I know I would be too emotional.
For now, I want to relish the joy in my heart that has not been there in so long it feels like a stranger.
Until next time...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Step By Step
This past Sunday I knew I wanted to go to church again. The boys were beyond overtired from a busy weekend and so I went by myself. I arrived and the parking lot was much more full than last weekend. As I got out of the car I thought, "I am not sure I feel comfortable going."
The church bells rang and I walked into the building. A feeling of apprehension was rising in me. I wanted to turn around and leave, but I couldn't because I was in a line of people ascending the stairs to the mass. I kept going.
I walked in and it struck me how the sunlight was shinning in through the stained glass windows. All the colors glowed in the church.
Beautiful.
Everyone was squeezing into the pews to make more room as people continued to crowd in. I have never seen a church so full, although this one is on the smaller side. I looked around a little more than I had the week before to see if there was a crying room. Nothing. My mind flashed to my two year old who is at the age of pointing at everything, asking about it, then followed by "why mama?" The back two rows were filled with parents and their little ones of all ages--even a tiny baby girl that couldn't be more than a week old!
I was feeling unprepared for mass. I figured so many people here there must be something special about today's service with the size of the crowd. I knew I would soon find out.
Mass flowed in the same fashion as last week. Again, I was in a subtle state of awe as the readings from the Bible were read. It seemed like the readings applied to how I was feeling. It is quite a strange feeling for me. I remember growing up in that Catholic school and feeling like I had absolutely no idea what the readings meant. It seems the past two weeks I have been able to grasp and understand them on some level. It's a new experience for me.
I try to keep my heart and mind open as I am exploring my faith and understanding of religion. I want so much to understand what is 'out there'. To have something tangible to hold on to--if that makes any sense at all. There are so many more questions I have though that I need answers to first.
For example, my husband and I were not married in a Catholic church. Does that mean that the Catholic church will not recognize us as being married? We were wed by a nondenominational minister. I do not know that I would be able to accept our marriage not being recognized in the Catholic church. Honestly, it would break my heart. I am so proud of our marriage, what we have accomplished, and the family we have grown. They are my reason for living. I would feel invalidated if all of that was not acknowledged by the church. I know we may need to do something special--confirm our vows in a formal way or something. I can handle that. This is an emotional point for me as you can tell. And maybe I am worrying for nothing.
I know I need to see if I can make an appointment with Father Rick. Such a gigantic step for me. It's nerve racking.
So....mass proceeded in the same way as last Sunday. Not a single person glared at the parents of children fussing, crying, or anything else of the sort. Inside I felt tremendous relief again.
It warmed my heart to see Father high-fiving the kids as he walked out...stopping for every single little outstretched hand. You can see in the faces of those kids it makes their day. When I was going to school....the priests were 'untouchable.' You always left a certain amount of space between you and them and you certainly wouldn't approach to high-five them. That would have been frowned upon I am quite sure.
So far, I would have to say that this church is feeling like a good fit. I am so hopeful that the feeling not only continues but grows.
The church bells rang and I walked into the building. A feeling of apprehension was rising in me. I wanted to turn around and leave, but I couldn't because I was in a line of people ascending the stairs to the mass. I kept going.
I walked in and it struck me how the sunlight was shinning in through the stained glass windows. All the colors glowed in the church.
Beautiful.
Everyone was squeezing into the pews to make more room as people continued to crowd in. I have never seen a church so full, although this one is on the smaller side. I looked around a little more than I had the week before to see if there was a crying room. Nothing. My mind flashed to my two year old who is at the age of pointing at everything, asking about it, then followed by "why mama?" The back two rows were filled with parents and their little ones of all ages--even a tiny baby girl that couldn't be more than a week old!
I was feeling unprepared for mass. I figured so many people here there must be something special about today's service with the size of the crowd. I knew I would soon find out.
Mass flowed in the same fashion as last week. Again, I was in a subtle state of awe as the readings from the Bible were read. It seemed like the readings applied to how I was feeling. It is quite a strange feeling for me. I remember growing up in that Catholic school and feeling like I had absolutely no idea what the readings meant. It seems the past two weeks I have been able to grasp and understand them on some level. It's a new experience for me.
I try to keep my heart and mind open as I am exploring my faith and understanding of religion. I want so much to understand what is 'out there'. To have something tangible to hold on to--if that makes any sense at all. There are so many more questions I have though that I need answers to first.
For example, my husband and I were not married in a Catholic church. Does that mean that the Catholic church will not recognize us as being married? We were wed by a nondenominational minister. I do not know that I would be able to accept our marriage not being recognized in the Catholic church. Honestly, it would break my heart. I am so proud of our marriage, what we have accomplished, and the family we have grown. They are my reason for living. I would feel invalidated if all of that was not acknowledged by the church. I know we may need to do something special--confirm our vows in a formal way or something. I can handle that. This is an emotional point for me as you can tell. And maybe I am worrying for nothing.
I know I need to see if I can make an appointment with Father Rick. Such a gigantic step for me. It's nerve racking.
So....mass proceeded in the same way as last Sunday. Not a single person glared at the parents of children fussing, crying, or anything else of the sort. Inside I felt tremendous relief again.
It warmed my heart to see Father high-fiving the kids as he walked out...stopping for every single little outstretched hand. You can see in the faces of those kids it makes their day. When I was going to school....the priests were 'untouchable.' You always left a certain amount of space between you and them and you certainly wouldn't approach to high-five them. That would have been frowned upon I am quite sure.
So far, I would have to say that this church is feeling like a good fit. I am so hopeful that the feeling not only continues but grows.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Faith
The reality of losing a dear friend has brought my own mortality into the spot light. Kim never went to church or practiced any type of religion. She was baptized. Among many of the conversations I had with Kim, I asked her if she believed in God. She did. A priest came to see her regularly and talk with her. She believed her dad was in heaven waiting for her and that she would see him again. I believed her.
Faith. It is a word that has such enormous meaning. To believe something without proof. Stop and think about it for a minute....do you have faith that there is more to our existence than what we know? That there is more out there?
I grew up going to a Catholic school for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade). I always felt like a misfit. Our family wasn't truly poor, but being the third child in the family meant I wore almost entirely hand me downs. It was a rare treat that I got a new article of clothing. My brand new shoes always seemed to clash with my clothes. I didn't get the Oreo cookies in my lunch, I got the store brand version. I didn't get juice boxes. I got a thermos full of Kool Aid. The children to rather wealthy parents, as most of them were, always reminded me that I was some how not good enough. I can remember begging my mom to put me in a different school. She didn't. For a long time, I had associated religious people as being cruel and deceptive to those less fortunate and treating them as not worthy. I never wanted to feel that way again.
I also remember so many things that happened over those 9 years that turned me away from religion, not spirituality mind you. Here are some of the bigger ones that I have struggled with over the years.
I remember being told that if you did not confess all of your sins, you would not go to heaven. I asked a teacher, 'what if I die and I have not had the chance to confess all my sins?' She looked at me and simply said, 'you need to confess your sins to a priest.' Being sorry in my heart was not good enough. I remember feeling so completely unworthy. I strove for awhile to not sin and be a good Catholic girl. I always failed.
Another thing that was pounded into us was that if you were not a Catholic, you would not go to heaven. I could not reconcile this in my mind. All over town, there were places of worship that were not Catholic. Their parishioners seemed to be good, honest people. Why would they not go to heaven? I had friends who were not Catholic and at that age, I thought, well if they are not going to heaven, I do not want to go to heaven! Why are they not good enough? How could I be good enough even being Catholic??! I also was smart enough to know that many many people in the world were not Catholic. What would happen to them all? It made me incredibly sad.
Finally, we were taught that we should go to church every Sunday and fancy attire was required: patten leather shoes, nylons, dresses, etc. First of all, my parents did not take us to church. They had for a period of time, but then stopped. Not to mention, my hand me downs would certainly not be adequate for church.
Suffice it to say that my experiences were negative. That is all I remembered. The day I graduated 8th grade, I felt completely liberated. On to public high school. I left a class size of about 50 students for a building that housed almost 3,000 students. It was my dream come true. I could fade into the background and no one would notice my hand me down clothes, my lunches, no one would know I did not go to church every week.
Freshman year I met Kim in health class. We were friends for some 17 years after that day. To know that I will see her again is comforting. But...it brings me back to the word faith. I have absolutely no physical proof that this will happen. Yet I have no doubt that it will.
I have started looking back on the years since leaving that grade school which was a daily torture routine for me. Going to Mass has only happened on special occasions since I left that school--weddings, baptisms, etc. Rarely would I end up at a typical Sunday service. Strange thing is, every time I would go, I would tear up. I was embarrassed primarily because I did not even understand why I would be emotional about something like this. It has been easier to avoid facing some of these issues, practice my own spirituality in the quiet and safety of my own home.
Up until now, I have used the negative experiences as reasons. Now they are excuses.
I have made the decision that if I have faith in something as monumental as heaven, I would like to learn more about it. That maybe, as an adult, I need to go back and look at religion again to help me understand what **this** existence is. Maybe I will find answers that make sense to me in the Catholic religion. Maybe I will not. And if I do not, I will keep looking for a framework to understand my spirituality and my faith. I now know that being spiritual is not enough for me anymore. I want to know the whys and not only accept that heaven 'is'.
I am not sure this post makes the most sense. It feels rather disjointed. Probably fitting, however, as I feel disjointed. My goal is not to convince anyone of anything. I want to share this journey.
I took what I consider the first step today and went to a local Catholic Church for service. It was comforting. I want to take this one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I have faith that I will find the answers I am looking for if I am patient.
Faith. It is a word that has such enormous meaning. To believe something without proof. Stop and think about it for a minute....do you have faith that there is more to our existence than what we know? That there is more out there?
I grew up going to a Catholic school for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade). I always felt like a misfit. Our family wasn't truly poor, but being the third child in the family meant I wore almost entirely hand me downs. It was a rare treat that I got a new article of clothing. My brand new shoes always seemed to clash with my clothes. I didn't get the Oreo cookies in my lunch, I got the store brand version. I didn't get juice boxes. I got a thermos full of Kool Aid. The children to rather wealthy parents, as most of them were, always reminded me that I was some how not good enough. I can remember begging my mom to put me in a different school. She didn't. For a long time, I had associated religious people as being cruel and deceptive to those less fortunate and treating them as not worthy. I never wanted to feel that way again.
I also remember so many things that happened over those 9 years that turned me away from religion, not spirituality mind you. Here are some of the bigger ones that I have struggled with over the years.
I remember being told that if you did not confess all of your sins, you would not go to heaven. I asked a teacher, 'what if I die and I have not had the chance to confess all my sins?' She looked at me and simply said, 'you need to confess your sins to a priest.' Being sorry in my heart was not good enough. I remember feeling so completely unworthy. I strove for awhile to not sin and be a good Catholic girl. I always failed.
Another thing that was pounded into us was that if you were not a Catholic, you would not go to heaven. I could not reconcile this in my mind. All over town, there were places of worship that were not Catholic. Their parishioners seemed to be good, honest people. Why would they not go to heaven? I had friends who were not Catholic and at that age, I thought, well if they are not going to heaven, I do not want to go to heaven! Why are they not good enough? How could I be good enough even being Catholic??! I also was smart enough to know that many many people in the world were not Catholic. What would happen to them all? It made me incredibly sad.
Finally, we were taught that we should go to church every Sunday and fancy attire was required: patten leather shoes, nylons, dresses, etc. First of all, my parents did not take us to church. They had for a period of time, but then stopped. Not to mention, my hand me downs would certainly not be adequate for church.
Suffice it to say that my experiences were negative. That is all I remembered. The day I graduated 8th grade, I felt completely liberated. On to public high school. I left a class size of about 50 students for a building that housed almost 3,000 students. It was my dream come true. I could fade into the background and no one would notice my hand me down clothes, my lunches, no one would know I did not go to church every week.
Freshman year I met Kim in health class. We were friends for some 17 years after that day. To know that I will see her again is comforting. But...it brings me back to the word faith. I have absolutely no physical proof that this will happen. Yet I have no doubt that it will.
I have started looking back on the years since leaving that grade school which was a daily torture routine for me. Going to Mass has only happened on special occasions since I left that school--weddings, baptisms, etc. Rarely would I end up at a typical Sunday service. Strange thing is, every time I would go, I would tear up. I was embarrassed primarily because I did not even understand why I would be emotional about something like this. It has been easier to avoid facing some of these issues, practice my own spirituality in the quiet and safety of my own home.
Up until now, I have used the negative experiences as reasons. Now they are excuses.
I have made the decision that if I have faith in something as monumental as heaven, I would like to learn more about it. That maybe, as an adult, I need to go back and look at religion again to help me understand what **this** existence is. Maybe I will find answers that make sense to me in the Catholic religion. Maybe I will not. And if I do not, I will keep looking for a framework to understand my spirituality and my faith. I now know that being spiritual is not enough for me anymore. I want to know the whys and not only accept that heaven 'is'.
I am not sure this post makes the most sense. It feels rather disjointed. Probably fitting, however, as I feel disjointed. My goal is not to convince anyone of anything. I want to share this journey.
I took what I consider the first step today and went to a local Catholic Church for service. It was comforting. I want to take this one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I have faith that I will find the answers I am looking for if I am patient.
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