This past Sunday I knew I wanted to go to church again. The boys were beyond overtired from a busy weekend and so I went by myself. I arrived and the parking lot was much more full than last weekend. As I got out of the car I thought, "I am not sure I feel comfortable going."
The church bells rang and I walked into the building. A feeling of apprehension was rising in me. I wanted to turn around and leave, but I couldn't because I was in a line of people ascending the stairs to the mass. I kept going.
I walked in and it struck me how the sunlight was shinning in through the stained glass windows. All the colors glowed in the church.
Beautiful.
Everyone was squeezing into the pews to make more room as people continued to crowd in. I have never seen a church so full, although this one is on the smaller side. I looked around a little more than I had the week before to see if there was a crying room. Nothing. My mind flashed to my two year old who is at the age of pointing at everything, asking about it, then followed by "why mama?" The back two rows were filled with parents and their little ones of all ages--even a tiny baby girl that couldn't be more than a week old!
I was feeling unprepared for mass. I figured so many people here there must be something special about today's service with the size of the crowd. I knew I would soon find out.
Mass flowed in the same fashion as last week. Again, I was in a subtle state of awe as the readings from the Bible were read. It seemed like the readings applied to how I was feeling. It is quite a strange feeling for me. I remember growing up in that Catholic school and feeling like I had absolutely no idea what the readings meant. It seems the past two weeks I have been able to grasp and understand them on some level. It's a new experience for me.
I try to keep my heart and mind open as I am exploring my faith and understanding of religion. I want so much to understand what is 'out there'. To have something tangible to hold on to--if that makes any sense at all. There are so many more questions I have though that I need answers to first.
For example, my husband and I were not married in a Catholic church. Does that mean that the Catholic church will not recognize us as being married? We were wed by a nondenominational minister. I do not know that I would be able to accept our marriage not being recognized in the Catholic church. Honestly, it would break my heart. I am so proud of our marriage, what we have accomplished, and the family we have grown. They are my reason for living. I would feel invalidated if all of that was not acknowledged by the church. I know we may need to do something special--confirm our vows in a formal way or something. I can handle that. This is an emotional point for me as you can tell. And maybe I am worrying for nothing.
I know I need to see if I can make an appointment with Father Rick. Such a gigantic step for me. It's nerve racking.
So....mass proceeded in the same way as last Sunday. Not a single person glared at the parents of children fussing, crying, or anything else of the sort. Inside I felt tremendous relief again.
It warmed my heart to see Father high-fiving the kids as he walked out...stopping for every single little outstretched hand. You can see in the faces of those kids it makes their day. When I was going to school....the priests were 'untouchable.' You always left a certain amount of space between you and them and you certainly wouldn't approach to high-five them. That would have been frowned upon I am quite sure.
So far, I would have to say that this church is feeling like a good fit. I am so hopeful that the feeling not only continues but grows.
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