Some days I get mad at myself for not being more patient, understanding, compassionate, affectionate...some days I just do not feel like I have it to give. I suppose this just makes me human and it does no good to get upset with myself. It probably only makes the situation worse...the old snow ball rolling down the hill analogy.
some days I just want both kids to be sleeping peacefully so I can have five minutes to myself...then I feel selfish for wanting five minutes when my kids want me.
some days i get mad at myself because i can not make one of them happy enough to stop crying. I don't have all the answers and that frustrates me too. some days I just wonder if I am cut out for this role as a mama...
I hope God gives me the courage and strength I need to get through days like this....
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
My husband has asked me several times what I want for Mother's Day. I would like to take this opportunity to tell him what I do not want...Here we go...
I don't want to be peed on, pooped on, drooled on, spit on, barfed on, or sucked on. I don't want to have to stand while eat my meal over the sink. I don't want to eat cold or partially reheated food. I don't want to be interrupted when I am in the bathroom. I don't want to have to change diapers. I don't want to have to wipe dirty hands and faces. I don't want to have to do dishes or laundry. I don't want to have to pay the bills. I don't want to have phone conversations interrupted. I don't want to have to get up on time. I don't want to have to do anything I don't want to do.
I don't want to have to wait to hear "I love you" from the kids because they are too busy playing. Matter of fact...I don't want to have to wait for hugs and kisses either. I don't want to have to share my kids' time with anyone but my husband. I don't want the kids to be crabby or difficult. I don't want to have to drain the bathtub water because it is too cold to keep playing in the tub. I don't want the kids to be sick.
I don't want the weather to be crummy. (okay that's a super hard one to achieve!) I don't want to have to reheat my coffee three times because I keep having to do something. I don't want to watch the same cartoon for the 500th time--could we at least watch a different one?
I don't want you or the kids away from home. I don't want to be interrupted during my shower. I don't want to have to jump up and get the kids when they start crying or wake up from a nap.
I don't want this to last any longer than 24 hours because I love being a mama and everything that goes with it.
I don't want to be peed on, pooped on, drooled on, spit on, barfed on, or sucked on. I don't want to have to stand while eat my meal over the sink. I don't want to eat cold or partially reheated food. I don't want to be interrupted when I am in the bathroom. I don't want to have to change diapers. I don't want to have to wipe dirty hands and faces. I don't want to have to do dishes or laundry. I don't want to have to pay the bills. I don't want to have phone conversations interrupted. I don't want to have to get up on time. I don't want to have to do anything I don't want to do.
I don't want to have to wait to hear "I love you" from the kids because they are too busy playing. Matter of fact...I don't want to have to wait for hugs and kisses either. I don't want to have to share my kids' time with anyone but my husband. I don't want the kids to be crabby or difficult. I don't want to have to drain the bathtub water because it is too cold to keep playing in the tub. I don't want the kids to be sick.
I don't want the weather to be crummy. (okay that's a super hard one to achieve!) I don't want to have to reheat my coffee three times because I keep having to do something. I don't want to watch the same cartoon for the 500th time--could we at least watch a different one?
I don't want you or the kids away from home. I don't want to be interrupted during my shower. I don't want to have to jump up and get the kids when they start crying or wake up from a nap.
I don't want this to last any longer than 24 hours because I love being a mama and everything that goes with it.
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Loss of a Child
An internet friend has lost her baby at 20 weeks gestation. I can not even imagine what it would be like to loose a child of any age. My heart just aches for her. How do you begin to process what is happening? how do you begin to grieve?
It makes me so eternally grateful for my babies and their health. I realize how blessed I am and it makes me pray that God will let me keep them forever, and that God might just spare moms from having to say good bye to a child.....not realistic I know, but it does not mean I can not at least ask.
It makes me so eternally grateful for my babies and their health. I realize how blessed I am and it makes me pray that God will let me keep them forever, and that God might just spare moms from having to say good bye to a child.....not realistic I know, but it does not mean I can not at least ask.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Curve Ball
One of the hardest things in my life I will have to deal with is the loss of a very special friend in my life. We were fabulous friends throughout highschool and let's just say that we drifted apart for many years. One day my mom was in a gas station and saw a collection can for a woman who had cancer...my friend. Mom called me to tell me what she had seen not thinking it would upset me so much because I had not mentioned her name in many years. However, I immediately broke down crying.
I tried calling my dear friend and was only met with an answering machine on the other end. I barely choked out who I was and my phone number.
I waited for a reply and heard nothing. I attempted contacting her through her brother's online profile, and it took awhile to hear from him. He said she was indeed ill and he would pass along my message. I so desperately wanted to hear from her, but felt completely selfish in wanting to take any of her precious time.
I resigned myself to the fact that I would not hear from her and I was going to have to accept that. The months wore on and I wondered how I would find out about her passing...newspaper, mutual aquaintence...?????? How would I say goodbye? At her funeral? At her grave site?
One day I signed on to the online website where I found her borther. She had replied to me through his account. I immediately started crying. She was alive! She wanted to contact me! She took the time to reply to me! I had no idea what to say. "How's it going?" just seems like a rhetorical and stupid question. I choose my words wisely as I didn't, and still don't, have any idea how many times I will be able to talk to her. Time is priceless so choosing words seems critical. What do you say to someone who is dying?
We have been talking through email and text messaging. Our conversations are precious to me. Most of the time I have a hard time thinking of what to say without sounding insignificant. I would imagine always talking about her illness is hard for her and maybe some of the 'normal' conversation is nice.
This is truely a curve ball for me that I have no idea how to catch...
I tried calling my dear friend and was only met with an answering machine on the other end. I barely choked out who I was and my phone number.
I waited for a reply and heard nothing. I attempted contacting her through her brother's online profile, and it took awhile to hear from him. He said she was indeed ill and he would pass along my message. I so desperately wanted to hear from her, but felt completely selfish in wanting to take any of her precious time.
I resigned myself to the fact that I would not hear from her and I was going to have to accept that. The months wore on and I wondered how I would find out about her passing...newspaper, mutual aquaintence...?????? How would I say goodbye? At her funeral? At her grave site?
One day I signed on to the online website where I found her borther. She had replied to me through his account. I immediately started crying. She was alive! She wanted to contact me! She took the time to reply to me! I had no idea what to say. "How's it going?" just seems like a rhetorical and stupid question. I choose my words wisely as I didn't, and still don't, have any idea how many times I will be able to talk to her. Time is priceless so choosing words seems critical. What do you say to someone who is dying?
We have been talking through email and text messaging. Our conversations are precious to me. Most of the time I have a hard time thinking of what to say without sounding insignificant. I would imagine always talking about her illness is hard for her and maybe some of the 'normal' conversation is nice.
This is truely a curve ball for me that I have no idea how to catch...
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