I apologize in advance for this somewhat scattered post......
It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks. I started to cry. It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim. Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter.
It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother? It makes me angry and tremendously sad.
I hope that they do celebrate Kim. Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them. That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.
I did not go to church this weekend. I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him. I need to have a private discussion with God this day.
I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe.
It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance. I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls. He says he will do that.
Children just should not be without their mothers. Period.
My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them. You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come. And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother? To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Forgive Me Father
No one is perfect. Seems pretty obvious. But there are moments in my life I am not proud of and do not share with anyone really. They were sins according to the Catholic Church, or so I thought. I sent this most recent email to Father Rick:
*****
Father Rick
There is another question I have that would give me a great sense of spiritual relief to have ‘resolved.’ I was always taught that you do not have sexual relations before marriage. Well…I was not given a choice in the matter. As a result of what happened, I made a lot of decisions that I would not have otherwise made. Just to put your mind at ease, I have received counseling for what happened and even pressed legal charges against my predator many years ago. I have forgiven the person that did that to me, even taken pity on him. He has since met God and had to answer for his actions against me and other young girls.
I know that God wouldn’t hold me at fault for what happened. I guess my question is this…how do I spiritually know that what has happened since that time and some of the choices I am not necessarily proud of, are forgiven by God? ( I did not do ANYTHING to harm or be a predator to any one else. It was more believing that I did not deserve to be treated better as a woman and had no internal value). I have to say that truthfully, I don’t know that I would erase some of those things that I did because they allowed me to become what I am today—a loving mother, wife, and successful in my career. They were tremendous learning moments in my life. And looking back, I know without a doubt God was there protecting me. There is just no other way to explain how I managed to come through on the other side as the person I am now.
I need to know that I am forgiven by God. Even for the years it took me to go from victim to survivor and objectively I knew better on some of my choices, did them anyways because I didn’t think I deserved better.
It has been such a long road for me. This is the last piece of this puzzle for me and has taken me about 20 years to have the courage to ask it.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer these questions in email. Some things are just too emotional for me to ask in person. I don’t want to use all of your Kleenex :)
Have a wonderful day Father. And I will keep bugging my husband for who his witness will be.
Sincerely
Jaime
*****
I sent that email last night. I know he does not work on Tuesdays, so I did not expect a response today already. It was a little hard to read the first time because tears of relief started to well up in my eyes. Here is his response:
*****
Dear Jaime,
There are two immediate sayings that jump to my heart when I hear of the ache caused you by a predatory individual who caused you much pain and confusion but who also, as God writes straight with crooked lines, occasioned in you some graces to dedicate yourself to being loving wife, mother and woman of integrity - "a woman more sinned against than sinning" and "do not remember the sins of my youth, but in your love remember me because of your goodness, O Lord." When we're sorely sinned against, we are left with few, if any choices, and not the clear freedom we need to do the better we know now only by 20/20 hindsight - grave sin must be an ENTIRELY FREE act of the will - and someone victimized by a predator is NOT entirely free and, as such, not fully responsible as grave fear impedes freedom. And why is it so important that our God forgive the sins of our youth - because we become different, better people through what we experience, whether for good or for ill. My sense is that your are comfortable at this point with the part of the past has been both left behind as well as the part incorporated in you and your future - the assurance of God's forgiveness is in the prayer of absolution during confession, so I recommend a general confession mentioning this matter and hearing God's word of mercy and forgiveness in the sacred words that absolve our sins in the church at the will of the Father, by the power of Jesus, and throuth the Holy Spirit. You can simply come any weekend on a Saturday between 4-4:45PM or, if you prefer, slightly ahead of that regular time (in case you need some an extra kleenex and TLC) or by appointment at your convenience - maybe someday before renewing your vows this might feel right and good, and, as such, make the renewal of vows feel even better! With empathy, Father Rick
****
It's amazing isn't it?! One of the things I love about Father's responses is that he can point out in the bible where these types of issues are addressed. I am guessing I would have come across these points at some time, but the fact that he can tell me these things are there without me having to hunt for them is such a wonderful gift to me. Priceless actually.
I know that what I went through was not my fault, but it doesn't necessarily excuse my actions either. At some point, I did become aware that the choices I was making were not right in the eyes of God or in the run of life. For a long time I have felt unworthy because of some of the decisions I made. But to know that God still has His arms open to me despite all that...makes me want to cry.
I do plan to go to confession. Not in the sense that I feel 'guilty' but to know that God has not judged me and no longer 'pays attention' to those moments in my life. I feel that my penance was the hard work that I had to do to overcome what happened to me and to change my life and do something positive with it vs. continuing a horrid behavior of abuse to a child.
I genuinely hope that someone who reads this and possibly suffered a person struggle like mine can feel a sense of relief and be inspired to return to his/her own faith--catholic or whatever it might be. It's a loving, forgiving journey that I am on and has helped me to heal in ways I didn't even know that I was hurting.
*****
Father Rick
There is another question I have that would give me a great sense of spiritual relief to have ‘resolved.’ I was always taught that you do not have sexual relations before marriage. Well…I was not given a choice in the matter. As a result of what happened, I made a lot of decisions that I would not have otherwise made. Just to put your mind at ease, I have received counseling for what happened and even pressed legal charges against my predator many years ago. I have forgiven the person that did that to me, even taken pity on him. He has since met God and had to answer for his actions against me and other young girls.
I know that God wouldn’t hold me at fault for what happened. I guess my question is this…how do I spiritually know that what has happened since that time and some of the choices I am not necessarily proud of, are forgiven by God? ( I did not do ANYTHING to harm or be a predator to any one else. It was more believing that I did not deserve to be treated better as a woman and had no internal value). I have to say that truthfully, I don’t know that I would erase some of those things that I did because they allowed me to become what I am today—a loving mother, wife, and successful in my career. They were tremendous learning moments in my life. And looking back, I know without a doubt God was there protecting me. There is just no other way to explain how I managed to come through on the other side as the person I am now.
I need to know that I am forgiven by God. Even for the years it took me to go from victim to survivor and objectively I knew better on some of my choices, did them anyways because I didn’t think I deserved better.
It has been such a long road for me. This is the last piece of this puzzle for me and has taken me about 20 years to have the courage to ask it.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer these questions in email. Some things are just too emotional for me to ask in person. I don’t want to use all of your Kleenex :)
Have a wonderful day Father. And I will keep bugging my husband for who his witness will be.
Sincerely
Jaime
*****
I sent that email last night. I know he does not work on Tuesdays, so I did not expect a response today already. It was a little hard to read the first time because tears of relief started to well up in my eyes. Here is his response:
*****
Dear Jaime,
There are two immediate sayings that jump to my heart when I hear of the ache caused you by a predatory individual who caused you much pain and confusion but who also, as God writes straight with crooked lines, occasioned in you some graces to dedicate yourself to being loving wife, mother and woman of integrity - "a woman more sinned against than sinning" and "do not remember the sins of my youth, but in your love remember me because of your goodness, O Lord." When we're sorely sinned against, we are left with few, if any choices, and not the clear freedom we need to do the better we know now only by 20/20 hindsight - grave sin must be an ENTIRELY FREE act of the will - and someone victimized by a predator is NOT entirely free and, as such, not fully responsible as grave fear impedes freedom. And why is it so important that our God forgive the sins of our youth - because we become different, better people through what we experience, whether for good or for ill. My sense is that your are comfortable at this point with the part of the past has been both left behind as well as the part incorporated in you and your future - the assurance of God's forgiveness is in the prayer of absolution during confession, so I recommend a general confession mentioning this matter and hearing God's word of mercy and forgiveness in the sacred words that absolve our sins in the church at the will of the Father, by the power of Jesus, and throuth the Holy Spirit. You can simply come any weekend on a Saturday between 4-4:45PM or, if you prefer, slightly ahead of that regular time (in case you need some an extra kleenex and TLC) or by appointment at your convenience - maybe someday before renewing your vows this might feel right and good, and, as such, make the renewal of vows feel even better! With empathy, Father Rick
****
It's amazing isn't it?! One of the things I love about Father's responses is that he can point out in the bible where these types of issues are addressed. I am guessing I would have come across these points at some time, but the fact that he can tell me these things are there without me having to hunt for them is such a wonderful gift to me. Priceless actually.
I know that what I went through was not my fault, but it doesn't necessarily excuse my actions either. At some point, I did become aware that the choices I was making were not right in the eyes of God or in the run of life. For a long time I have felt unworthy because of some of the decisions I made. But to know that God still has His arms open to me despite all that...makes me want to cry.
I do plan to go to confession. Not in the sense that I feel 'guilty' but to know that God has not judged me and no longer 'pays attention' to those moments in my life. I feel that my penance was the hard work that I had to do to overcome what happened to me and to change my life and do something positive with it vs. continuing a horrid behavior of abuse to a child.
I genuinely hope that someone who reads this and possibly suffered a person struggle like mine can feel a sense of relief and be inspired to return to his/her own faith--catholic or whatever it might be. It's a loving, forgiving journey that I am on and has helped me to heal in ways I didn't even know that I was hurting.
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