I can honestly say there is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder about Kim and how she is doing. It affects me everyday. When I get frustrated with the kids or my husband....I stop and think...at least one of us isn't dying so get over it!
One problem I have is I sometimes don't allow myself to feel 'normal.' I know I can't make her tragedy the basis for how I live my life, but I certainly want to learn and remember some basic life lessons. I can't not allow myself to be angry because it could be worse and I can't not allow myself to be happy because my friend is dying.
The other problem is this....I am not only a mom, but also a Nurse--a ridiculously bad combination. My youngest son has had a low grade fever over the past few days and where does my mind immediately jump?? Of course I think of Kim's fevers and how they are a symptom of the worsening cancer that will kill her. I know it is a far stretch to take a fever in an otherwise completely healthy child and think he has....I can't even type it. And yet, my Nurse knowledge, the sadness of Kim dying, and an unexplained symptom in my child takes me to very dark places. The thoughts sit at the edge of my mind and dart in like lightening bolts throughout my day. It's almost like the more I try to ignore or shove them down, the harder they fight to stay up in my consciousness.
The fever that Kim has vs. what my youngest son has is comparing apples to oranges. I know I can't assume that because my friend is sick that it will some how be my (or someone I love)turn next.
I have thought so much about my faith. I do not doubt there is a heaven and eternal life on the other side of this life. I have total faith in that, and yet I still can't not be sad. The part of my faith that is challenged is that there is some reason for all of this--my life, what is going on with Kim, etc. I am just not allowed to know yet what that is. Maybe if I knew, I could ease my sadness....know what to say to her children, mother, brother, etc. to ease their grief. I have to keep my faith strong that some day I will be privy to that knowledge...even though it will be one of the hardest things that I ever do.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Her Last Mother's Day
My most recent visit with Kim was last Monday. I wasn't as nervous this time. I asked Kim if there was anything she needed or wanted. She told me her teddy bear that she uses was getting a little worn. She wanted one to use to help when she can't get comfortable laying down--sort of like a mini body pillow. I only had Monday to find one and I worked until 5:30 and had to get to her place by around 6:30.
I mentioned my challenge in casual conversation to a new coworker. She said, "well I am not busy, I will call around and see who has them for you." She was touched by Kim's story, and I guess she wanted to help. I was so very greatful. She called several places and finally spoke with a lady at a local retailer who had them in stock. She reported this to me and said they were on clearance even! Perfect! (Not that money is an issue in this situation, but it certainly helps!).
I got done with work, sped home, spent about a half hour with my children, and then off I went. I knew I had to get the teddy bear, and a black cherry smoothie for sure. I got to the store and the teddy bear was perfect! Kim said the butt had to be at her hips with the head of the bear high enough that she can bury her face in it, not to mention huggable! I tested it out just to be sure and I began to tear up. I just stood there for a moment thinking about how simple her requests are in this final stage of her life.
I had also asked Kim what her favorite flowers were. I figured that since her reason for not wanting things was that her mom would have to give them away, I could get her flowers. So the floral shop was my last stop.
I was running late, so I called my friend who does her nails and said she could head over and I would be right behind her by about five minutes. I pulled up to the floral shop at 6:30 only to find they had closed at 5:30!!! Ugh!! I saw another shop, a new one I had never seen, about a block back. I jumped back into my car and headed over.
The ladies at the shop were wonderful :) I told them what I needed and the girl asked me how much money was my limit. I said, fifty bucks. She pulled out Iris's that had just come in and weren't even open yet, a few white roses, some greenery, and a few other blooms--no idea what they are called. It was gorgeous and smelled amazing. She rang me up and said the total was $27. I was rather impressed that she didn't rack up the bill to $50. Armed with a gorgeous bouquet, I was out the door and headed to Kim's house.
I pulled up and grabbed the first armload of goodies--flowers, black cherry smoothie and cheese danish. I walked in and she was already being pampered with her foot bath. I told her she had to close her eyes and I laid the flowers on her lap. She loved them. I put them into the biggest vase she had. I then ran out to the car for the teddy bear. Again, I made her close her eyes. When she opened them, she said, "where in the world did you find that?! My daughter is going to steal it you know." I smiled.
It is amazing to me how fullfilling and humbling it is to fill her simple requests to the best of my ability. It also amazes me how people want to help me do things for her...the friend who comes to do her manicure and pedicure at no charge--she won't even let me pay her; the coworker calling around for teddy bears, etc. It makes me realize that there is still genuinely good people in the world. It is incredibly refreshing, and to those who have helped me help my friend, I am forever greatful.
Kim talked about how her cancer is progressing. She now has difficulty controlling her body temperature. Intermittent fevers have started and will only get worse. Her appetite is wanning and she is sleeping more. Thankfully, the morphine pump is keeping her pain largely under control. I could tell she was tired because she would get quiet and look lost in thought.
After the manicure and pedicure were done, I told her I would not be upset at all if she wanted to head to bed. She still wanted to chit chat. We caught up on the more mundane parts of life. Then she told me she is struggling with trying to help her older daughter with anger issues. Seems to me an 8 year old losing her mother would have alot to be angry about....but how in the world to you begin to even tackle that issue?? Old enough to have some understanding of what is going on, but too young to understand it is completely out of her control. All she knows is that she is losing her mommy. I just can not imagine......
We called it a night later than I figured she would have wanted. I let her make those calls. If she wanted to stay up until 3am talking, I would be there.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am thanking God that he has allowed her to be here with her daughters for this day. It is also heart breaking to know that the next Mother's Day, her daughters won't have their mother here...or for any other major holidays. It is terribly depressing...still...I hope she has a wonderful Mother's Day.
I am hoping to be able to spend time with her again in about two weeks. We will still text message in the meantime. I am going to have to think about what my next armload of goodies will be!
I mentioned my challenge in casual conversation to a new coworker. She said, "well I am not busy, I will call around and see who has them for you." She was touched by Kim's story, and I guess she wanted to help. I was so very greatful. She called several places and finally spoke with a lady at a local retailer who had them in stock. She reported this to me and said they were on clearance even! Perfect! (Not that money is an issue in this situation, but it certainly helps!).
I got done with work, sped home, spent about a half hour with my children, and then off I went. I knew I had to get the teddy bear, and a black cherry smoothie for sure. I got to the store and the teddy bear was perfect! Kim said the butt had to be at her hips with the head of the bear high enough that she can bury her face in it, not to mention huggable! I tested it out just to be sure and I began to tear up. I just stood there for a moment thinking about how simple her requests are in this final stage of her life.
I had also asked Kim what her favorite flowers were. I figured that since her reason for not wanting things was that her mom would have to give them away, I could get her flowers. So the floral shop was my last stop.
I was running late, so I called my friend who does her nails and said she could head over and I would be right behind her by about five minutes. I pulled up to the floral shop at 6:30 only to find they had closed at 5:30!!! Ugh!! I saw another shop, a new one I had never seen, about a block back. I jumped back into my car and headed over.
The ladies at the shop were wonderful :) I told them what I needed and the girl asked me how much money was my limit. I said, fifty bucks. She pulled out Iris's that had just come in and weren't even open yet, a few white roses, some greenery, and a few other blooms--no idea what they are called. It was gorgeous and smelled amazing. She rang me up and said the total was $27. I was rather impressed that she didn't rack up the bill to $50. Armed with a gorgeous bouquet, I was out the door and headed to Kim's house.
I pulled up and grabbed the first armload of goodies--flowers, black cherry smoothie and cheese danish. I walked in and she was already being pampered with her foot bath. I told her she had to close her eyes and I laid the flowers on her lap. She loved them. I put them into the biggest vase she had. I then ran out to the car for the teddy bear. Again, I made her close her eyes. When she opened them, she said, "where in the world did you find that?! My daughter is going to steal it you know." I smiled.
It is amazing to me how fullfilling and humbling it is to fill her simple requests to the best of my ability. It also amazes me how people want to help me do things for her...the friend who comes to do her manicure and pedicure at no charge--she won't even let me pay her; the coworker calling around for teddy bears, etc. It makes me realize that there is still genuinely good people in the world. It is incredibly refreshing, and to those who have helped me help my friend, I am forever greatful.
Kim talked about how her cancer is progressing. She now has difficulty controlling her body temperature. Intermittent fevers have started and will only get worse. Her appetite is wanning and she is sleeping more. Thankfully, the morphine pump is keeping her pain largely under control. I could tell she was tired because she would get quiet and look lost in thought.
After the manicure and pedicure were done, I told her I would not be upset at all if she wanted to head to bed. She still wanted to chit chat. We caught up on the more mundane parts of life. Then she told me she is struggling with trying to help her older daughter with anger issues. Seems to me an 8 year old losing her mother would have alot to be angry about....but how in the world to you begin to even tackle that issue?? Old enough to have some understanding of what is going on, but too young to understand it is completely out of her control. All she knows is that she is losing her mommy. I just can not imagine......
We called it a night later than I figured she would have wanted. I let her make those calls. If she wanted to stay up until 3am talking, I would be there.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am thanking God that he has allowed her to be here with her daughters for this day. It is also heart breaking to know that the next Mother's Day, her daughters won't have their mother here...or for any other major holidays. It is terribly depressing...still...I hope she has a wonderful Mother's Day.
I am hoping to be able to spend time with her again in about two weeks. We will still text message in the meantime. I am going to have to think about what my next armload of goodies will be!
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