My intention was to blog about Sam......I have not.
I thought that after Kim died I would be able to go on with life. Think about her often of course, miss her, but move on. I have not.
And to be honest, I don't understand my own grief. I objectively in my head know she is in heaven. Free of cancer. Free of pain and agony. I know I will see her again. I know she is always in my heart. I know I will always miss her.
But time has not changed much since she died. I cry when I would not normally cry. I am having a hard time getting geared up for Christmas. It just doesn't feel the same. I am excited about seeing my kids on Christmas morning after Santa has come. I know I am blessed to have my family, my home, my life.
And yet it just isn't the same.
I truly don't know what to do to move forward in the healing process. She was my friend for so many years....since high school. So about 17 years. We had many years in there we had drifted apart because we were at completely different points in our lives, but we still could come back together like we had not missed a beat. Friendships like that are so rare.
I am trying to make new friends. Reach out. And I know it will take time to develop those friendships, create memories, bonds...thing is...now is when I feel like I have the least amount of emotional energy to give to emotional ties and relationships. I want to curl inside myself and hide from the world. Be numb and not have to feel. It's not an option though.
When I look at the faces of my children, and they make me laugh or some how remind me that I am important in this world, I am ok with not hiding. Maybe just staying in my own little bubble with them and my husband.
And Sam...I am still supporting him through his healing process. To sit and write about it like I was hoping to do is too much for me right now. He is doing wonderfully. I am excited and so very happy for him that he is finally free of so much anger and hurt he didn't even realize he was carrying. The change in him is unmistakable.
The next step for me....I have no idea. I was thinking about going to one of the places her ashes were spread...or to a park where she loved to go. Sit. Listen. Pray.
My heart is sad. Missing my friend.