I think it is natural for me to wonder if once I am gone from this world, if people will miss me, wish I was here, remember our times together. But a thought recently crossed my mind. Do people who have passed away and are now in heaven wonder if we think about them? Do they know if we do? Are our thoughts and feelings still able to reach them, if we don't know that they do? People have said and I have had experiences were I can almost feel someone I love who has passed away. Almost as if I turned my head fast enough I might catch a glimpse of them. I never do....but that feeling lingers.
People who I have know throughout my life and have passed I think about often. Not in sadness necessarily, but in how I can make my life better because of theirs.
For example...to the young man in my high school who committed suicide...I do not remember your name, but I can say this...I may not be able to keep my kids from being bullied, but I sure as hell won't let my kids be one. I will teach them to be kind to everyone and anything less is just not acceptable; to reach out to the kid always picked last in gym class and invite him/her over to birthday parties and such. I want my boys to learn that everyone has something to offer that is valuable and may even help them to become better people.
To my friend who died in a car accident just before our junior year in high school...I will teach my boys that cars are only toys when they come from Matchbox. I have taught them to buckle up and they do! They even yell at grandma when she doesn't put hers on! I also try to never miss an opportunity to see a friend even if it is for a fleeting moment....because you never know when that moment could have been your last.
To my grandmother...sometimes letting go is what has to happen and that is ok. It's not good bye...it is 'see you later.' The love that exists between two people does not end at death, in fact, it endures. And that same love will reunite you in heaven, not just with your spouse, but with everyone that you love.
To many of my patients who have died....not even sure where to begin...I know that I can make a difference even to a stranger that I may never see again. What matters is the kindness that you carry in your heart and on your sleeve. I wear it proudly and try to be compassionate to even the most challenging people. After all, I truly have no idea what is going in their lives.
Most of all....Kim. I cherish every day with my kids. Yes, they have their challenging days, but I still love them so much that it makes me weep. I am trying to make the most of my time here. Make it count. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be here as long as I can, as best as I can. I try to remember what you said to me...each day is a gift. Some days it is hard, but I am trying.
One might think that all of these thoughts make me sad, but truthfully, they give me courage, faith, and purpose. I know without a doubt they still walk with me in this life and I can keep them near by remembering all of the things they taught me. I hope that some day I will be able to tell them these things myself and that, in case they were wondering, I did think about them on this side of life......
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Just Before Heaven
As I have said before, growing in my faith has given me a greater sense of calm in my life. Now when I am challenged with a situation in my life I pause and think, pray. But every once in awhile it is almost as if God jumps right in front of me and I am not sure how to handle what is happening. I of course email Father Rick when this happens.
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
Here is what I sent to him:
"Father Rick
I have another question to ask you. Please forgive me if the explanation is a little vague as I have to respect patient privacy. I am a registered nurse. I work in a clinic. It so happened that I was at work when a patient fell gravely ill. I was part of a team that tried to help this patient, however, she did not live.
First of all, being involved in these situations is highly emotional for me. But as the events were unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel in my heart that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, doing what I was doing. Even if the patient did not survive. I do not know why it felt like I should be there if I was ultimately powerless to do anything about the outcome. And I feel it so matter-of-factly, no question in my mind and heart whatsoever. As I saw her condition decline, I felt like I just knew that God was going to take her home. This feeling has come over me in other situations where patients have died. It is a strange calm despite the flurry of activity going on. The feeling is different when they do survive—there isn’t that feeling of finality that washes over me. And, I hope you don’t think I am completely out of my mind for saying this, but I will take a chance. As I watch patients who end up passing away, the phrase I use is ‘s/he saw angels’. There is this look that crosses their face for a split second and I just know that they are seeing something I can not…something beautiful. It is usually just after this moment that the calm hits me like a tidal wave.
I feel almost guilty for thinking or feeling that I have some sense of what God’s intentions are in these moments. Why would I have that feeling? Why me? I do not want to mistake my own feelings for something divine and be wrong. (I hope that makes sense). It is such a powerful, strange, calming, and almost deliberate guidance that I sense and just relax inside myself and go with it. I don’t question it at all.
I am curious to what your thoughts are on this somewhat disjointed email. Is it only my own response to the situation I am feeling or is it possible God is making his presence more known to me? I am hoping to understand more about myself and God in these situations.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand these snapshots in my life. Thank you.
Sincerely,
J
***
Of course I was happy to receive his reply
"Dear Jaime,
St. Paul wrote that "eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him," intimating that passing through death into new life has got to be a "wow" moment - those closest to those who are actively dying, often medical personnel called to an ER room or scene, can be privileged to catch a moment with some that defies explanation but takes faith. The comfort you receive is not only for you but also for those who will need it in and through you, whether at that very particular setting/time or at others yet to be, known only to God. As God is omnipresent, all we need is sensitive radar to detect and feel Him working with us, through us, for others and ourselves as well.
Father Rick"
****
It is so reassuring to me that there are answers, if you ask the questions...that there is something that can explain what we see, feel, hear. It makes God seem more reachable. That He is not some where off waiting for us to come to Him. That He is here, with us all of the time, helping, guiding even if we are not aware of it...and that these small miracles can be seen if we are paying attention and quieting down the internal chatter that drowns out these moments sometimes.
I know that I do not have a ton of people who read what I post here, but I hope that it helps someone believe more, have courage to ask questions, or even reaffirm what you already know.
Till next time.....
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