I think it is natural for me to wonder if once I am gone from this world, if people will miss me, wish I was here, remember our times together. But a thought recently crossed my mind. Do people who have passed away and are now in heaven wonder if we think about them? Do they know if we do? Are our thoughts and feelings still able to reach them, if we don't know that they do? People have said and I have had experiences were I can almost feel someone I love who has passed away. Almost as if I turned my head fast enough I might catch a glimpse of them. I never do....but that feeling lingers.
People who I have know throughout my life and have passed I think about often. Not in sadness necessarily, but in how I can make my life better because of theirs.
For example...to the young man in my high school who committed suicide...I do not remember your name, but I can say this...I may not be able to keep my kids from being bullied, but I sure as hell won't let my kids be one. I will teach them to be kind to everyone and anything less is just not acceptable; to reach out to the kid always picked last in gym class and invite him/her over to birthday parties and such. I want my boys to learn that everyone has something to offer that is valuable and may even help them to become better people.
To my friend who died in a car accident just before our junior year in high school...I will teach my boys that cars are only toys when they come from Matchbox. I have taught them to buckle up and they do! They even yell at grandma when she doesn't put hers on! I also try to never miss an opportunity to see a friend even if it is for a fleeting moment....because you never know when that moment could have been your last.
To my grandmother...sometimes letting go is what has to happen and that is ok. It's not good bye...it is 'see you later.' The love that exists between two people does not end at death, in fact, it endures. And that same love will reunite you in heaven, not just with your spouse, but with everyone that you love.
To many of my patients who have died....not even sure where to begin...I know that I can make a difference even to a stranger that I may never see again. What matters is the kindness that you carry in your heart and on your sleeve. I wear it proudly and try to be compassionate to even the most challenging people. After all, I truly have no idea what is going in their lives.
Most of all....Kim. I cherish every day with my kids. Yes, they have their challenging days, but I still love them so much that it makes me weep. I am trying to make the most of my time here. Make it count. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can be here as long as I can, as best as I can. I try to remember what you said to me...each day is a gift. Some days it is hard, but I am trying.
One might think that all of these thoughts make me sad, but truthfully, they give me courage, faith, and purpose. I know without a doubt they still walk with me in this life and I can keep them near by remembering all of the things they taught me. I hope that some day I will be able to tell them these things myself and that, in case they were wondering, I did think about them on this side of life......
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