Time Heals Nothing

My intention was to blog about Sam......I have not.

I thought that after Kim died I would be able to go on with life. Think about her often of course, miss her, but move on. I have not.

And to be honest, I don't understand my own grief. I objectively in my head know she is in heaven. Free of cancer. Free of pain and agony. I know I will see her again. I know she is always in my heart. I know I will always miss her.

But time has not changed much since she died. I cry when I would not normally cry. I am having a hard time getting geared up for Christmas. It just doesn't feel the same. I am excited about seeing my kids on Christmas morning after Santa has come. I know I am blessed to have my family, my home, my life.

And yet it just isn't the same.

I truly don't know what to do to move forward in the healing process. She was my friend for so many years....since high school. So about 17 years. We had many years in there we had drifted apart because we were at completely different points in our lives, but we still could come back together like we had not missed a beat. Friendships like that are so rare.

I am trying to make new friends. Reach out. And I know it will take time to develop those friendships, create memories, bonds...thing is...now is when I feel like I have the least amount of emotional energy to give to emotional ties and relationships. I want to curl inside myself and hide from the world. Be numb and not have to feel. It's not an option though.

When I look at the faces of my children, and they make me laugh or some how remind me that I am important in this world, I am ok with not hiding. Maybe just staying in my own little bubble with them and my husband.

And Sam...I am still supporting him through his healing process. To sit and write about it like I was hoping to do is too much for me right now. He is doing wonderfully. I am excited and so very happy for him that he is finally free of so much anger and hurt he didn't even realize he was carrying. The change in him is unmistakable.

The next step for me....I have no idea. I was thinking about going to one of the places her ashes were spread...or to a park where she loved to go. Sit. Listen. Pray.

My heart is sad. Missing my friend.

Sam

For a little over a year now I have posted about Kim. I developed a small following of people who read what I write. I appreciate that. It is extremely helpful to me to be able to get it all out. Maybe you will join me on this next journey with someone I will call Sam.

I have known Sam for a long time. We have been close since we were little. I have maintained contact with him over the years. It just so happened that we were both online the other night and he said he wanted to know if I could talk. I knew immediately something had happened. I had no idea what.

It was time to be getting the kids ready for bed, but I told my husband I needed to make a phone call. He said that was fine. I dialed Sam's number quickly. He answered immediately. I asked him, 'So what's up?' The line was quite. I thought maybe I had accidentally hung up on him. I had no idea what he was going to say.

He began to ask me if I remembered certain people while growing up. I said yes. He then told me that someone in our past was responsible for sexually assaulting him as a young teenager.

I was devastated. Absolutely devastated.

Tons of emotions that had long since been sleeping erupted from me. I kept them in check as I knew this would not help Sam. He said he I was the fourth person he told and he wanted to tell me because he knew I had been through a similar situation. I was grateful he told me. Dealing with the emotional weight of something like this alone is impossible. Period.

"Sam...it was NOT your fault. In no way shape or form. I am here for you...anytime you need me. If it's 2am, call. I don't care. If you need me, you call." He tried interrupting a couple of times and I cut him short telling him I just wanted him to hear what I was saying.

We talked for almost two hours...about how he is angry. He knows it isn't his fault. He is struggling with the anger. Lots of it. He is going to go to counseling and for that I am grateful. He even found one that specializes in helping victims of sexual assault. I pray this is something that will benefit him and that he connects with the therapist right away. Anyone who has had to deal with this type of event in their own life knows that trust is not a given and lost rather easily.

As much as I am wanting and willing to be there for Sam, it does bring up my own personal history and stirs up emotions. I remember when I tried to think about what I wanted to do for a living and so many people said I should be on a crisis team for victims of sexual assault. No way. Couldn't do it. To live that every day would be impossible for me on so many levels.

We ended our phone call and I know he will be ok. There is no doubt he is on a long journey and I hope I can be the kind of friend he needs along the way.

Till next time.....

Still

It has been two weeks now since Kim passed away. I still have her number in my cell phone. I still have some emails she sent me. I still have some text messages on my phone. I also still have the two dollars she gave me for the ice cream cone on her birthday..even some of the receipts from going to get her black cherry smoothies. I don't know why I still have them and I don't know when I will be ok with letting them go.

I did open the letter she wrote to me. She said she was proud of me for the person I have become, in particular, a mama. She could tell I love my boys and that it has brought out the best in me. Such an amazing compliment from someone who had known me so long.

I remember before she died I told her to visit me in my dreams. Maybe it is just me imagining or creating her memory, but I have seen her in my dreams a few times. It is comforting. She is healthy, talking and looking like she did before cancer, but most of all...happy.

I am glad I decided to memorialize her life and what she taught me on my own body. A tattoo that is so much more than just a tattoo. It symbolizes friendship (with all of those I love), faith, embracing change, sorrow, life, truth, trust, and hope. I always want to be reminded of these things. I am so grateful that she was able to see it before she passed.

Life goes on....but it does not mean I will forget her. I can not wait to see her in heaven.

See You Later

I got up this morning and thought, 'this is going to be a hell of a long day.'  I got ready for work, and it was far busier than normal for a Wednesday.  I was grateful. 

The thing that surprised me was that even when I allowed my thoughts to go to the fact that Kim's funeral was today, I didn't feel the need to cry.  I actually felt relief....that her suffering and pain was over...that she is in heaven.  I could have almost smiled.  I know that may sound so very wrong, but watching her suffer and knowing that she is finally free from a body that betrayed her is cause for a smile. 

The closer it came to the end of my work day, the more anxious I was getting and the more I just wanted to leave.  Finally, by 5pm, I grabbed my purse and coffee mug and headed out the door.  Not a single cloud in this immense blue sky above me and the sun was so bright.  The temperature was a bit warmer than normal.

Beautiful day to honor a beautiful friend.  I bet you she had something to do with it.

When I arrived home, my husband and kids were eating sub sandwiches.  Mine was wrapped up on the counter.  I told my husband that I would eat later.  The thought of having to sit still and actually eat was not possible.  I busied myself with getting ready far more than was necessary.  Soon enough it was time to leave.

My husband and I rode in the car to the funeral home making small talk.  I still did not feel the urge to cry, but it was not far off.  I could tell.

We pulled into the parking lot and a thought crossed my mind.  Several months ago Kim told me I would get a letter after she died.  I had no idea how or when I would get it.  I supposed tonight would be as likely as any to get it.  Then again, her family is going to busy with so many other things.  I began to think...should I give them my address??  Her older brother has my phone number.  What to do...?

I got out of the car and my husband held my hand as we walked in.  As soon as we walked through the entrance and turned to the right, there were Kim's daughters.  The were clamoring onto their Dad.  He quickly ushered them out the door we had just come in.  The tears welled up in my eyes and a few escaped.  I walked up to the guest book and signed it, then made an offering for her funeral expenses.  I remember her mom saying she would have to take out a loan to pay for the expenses.  How cruel....every month for however long making a payment knowing it was to bury one of your children.  I wish I had the money to pay for the entire thing. I would give it to the funeral home and not even let them tell her where the money came from.  Some things in this world are just NOT right.

I moved on to the picture boards.  They told about her life...daughter, mother, friend. I had to laugh at a few.  Then, on the last board, one picture jumped out at me.  It was Kim dancing with her dad on her wedding day.  They were both smiling at eachother and the bond they shared was obvious.  I thought, Kim...you are dancing in heaven with your dad, aren't you.'  I smiled and cried. 

We made it down to her mom and two brothers.  I shook both of the boys hands and gave her mom a hug.  She looked exhausted and numb.  I introduced my husband and we offered condolences.  Her younger brother looked at me and said, 'I have a letter for you, but I am pretty sure you knew that.'  My heart lept.  'I can get it for you now if you like,' he said.  'No no.  That's fine.  I can wait.  Whenever it is convenient for you.'  I wanted to say more, but there was a long line of people behind us.  I walked past a few gorgeous flower arrangements...lilies of all kinds which were her favorite. 

Then there was Kim.  Resting peacefully.  It always strikes me how anyone so full of life can suddenly be so still.  Her nails still perfectly manicured.  She had on a purple sweater and black pants.  I know she had picked those out.  Hot salty tears were plentiful now.

I did not have anything I felt I needed to say.  I had said that on Friday.  My only thought was, 'See you later.'  I do not believe in goodbyes.  I know I will see her later.  My faith has taught me that.

We walked to the back and I sat down.  I watched people continue to arrive and pay their respects.  I did not feel like talking.  I sat quietly and waited for the service to begin. My husband, Jason, held my hand and sat quietly.  The staff members of the funeral home handed out the programs for the service.  On the cover the words 'Faith, Hope, Love' were printed.  I looked down at my purse, the same words scrawled across the sides.  I held the program in my hand and couldn't open it.  Suffice it to say that the rest of the service I had periods where I could not fight the tears but did manage to maintain composure.

I finally opened the program and the first song was one of my absolute favorites.  I knew there was no way I could sing that song.  I closed the program and tried to catch my breath.  Slow deep breaths. 

The pastor began the service and I listened to all the readings and such.  He then started talking about the time he spent with Kim and her faith.  He said he went to see her on her birthday.  Her room was decorated with cards, balloons, flowers, etc and was fit for a party.  There was only one thing missing....Kim!  I had to chuckle a little.  I was the one that had taken her out that day.  No one else had.  Here I am at one of my best friends funerals and I find out this!  I smiled.

The service finished and we were told that we would pass by Kim before we left the service.  Another wave of tears came over me.  Jason took my hand and we got into line.  One more time we walked by the picture boards.  I looked at the wedding picture again where she was dancing with her dad and smiled.  We got to Kim, I said in my heart, 'I love you...and I will see you later.' 

We walked into the foyer area and there was Drew, her ex husband, but very close friend.  I gave him a hug and asked how the girls were doing.  He said that they were actually doing okay.  They had private family time prior to friends and such being allowed to come.  They stayed for a short while and then were taken home.  I said to him, 'If you ever need anything for the girls, please let me know.  A lot of people may say that, but truly, anything at all..don't hesitate to let me know.'  He thanked Jason and me.

We then walked out of the foyer over to where they were serving refreshments.  I looked for her younger brother and he was talking with a small group of people. I told Jason that I wanted to get the letter and then we could head out.  We stood close by and a few minutes later, I saw him pull out a handful of envelopes.  He handed them to some of the people standing around him.  He saw me and began fingering through them.  He then pulled out one with my name on it.  Again, I had to chuckle.  She couldn't seem to remember what my married name was so she always called me by my maiden name. I had teased her about that a couple of times good heartedly. And I suppose to be fair, I could never say her married name right either. On the envelope she had tried to spell my married name, but put my maiden name in parentheses too.  My phone number was below my name. 

I gave him a hug and told him to keep in touch.  I then said goodbye.  As I was leaving I saw her older brother.  This time, he gave me a hug.  I asked him to keep in touch too.  Without Kim, I suppose there isn't much reason to talk, but I so adore her family.  I hope on some level we can keep in contact.

I was still holding the letter like a piece of fine China.  We got to the truck and I put it on my lap.  I said to Jason, 'I can't read this tonight.  Not yet.'  I slipped it into my purse.  I do not know when I will read it.  I only know that it is not right now.  Some day......

Home

I knew I was going to see Kim again.  I decided on Friday that I would go after work.  Knowing this early in the day made me want to be at work less and less.  I made it through the day and headed home. 

I tried to prepare myself for the worst...her not recognizing me.  I changed clothes and jumped in the car.  The drive there went too fast and yet it took forever.  I was trying to come up with something to say that would allow me to bow out of the room without upsetting her or letting her see that I was upset if need be.  Nothing good came to mind.

I walked into the building and signed in on the guest board like I had done so many times. 

4:55pm

The nurse sitting at the desk smiled at me.  I had seen her many times before when I came to visit.  I asked her "How is she doing today?"

She did not sugar coat it one bit.  "She is unresponsive.  We think she is in her last 72 hours."

It hit me like a stun gun.  I did not even have time to think about crying...the tears started flowing.  I quickly grabbed some tissues and turned to walk to her room.  No worries about her remembering me anymore.  She wouldn't even be able to acknowledge me.  I almost felt like I was suffocating.  It's not like I didn't know this day would come.  I just didn't know it would be today.  You always think you have one more day, one more hour, one more moment......

I rounded the corner...walking down the hall to her room....last one on the right.  Room 8.  I was wiping away the tears as I walked.  I got to her door and kept walking.  I knew if I stopped,  I would never keep going. 

I entered quietly.  I saw the vases of flowers from her birthday still full of color and life.   Then I saw Kim...barely hanging on.  She was curled up in a semi fetal position...eyes almost all the way closed.  Her breathing was shallow and quick.  I pulled a chair next to her bed and held her hand.

It was warm, tiny, and I could feel her pulse.  Nails still perfect.  Her pajams barely hung on to what was left of her now tiny frame.  I said her name and she didn't respond.  I cried...for awhile.  Held her hand....and cried some more.  I was grateful to be alone with her.  I knew this would be the last time I would hold her hand. 

"I love you Kim.  I will never forget you. It's ok....you can let go now.  You made it through the girls' birthdays.  You can go now."  I cried....and cried.

Someone walked into the room.  I didn't recognize her.

'Oh my gosh. I am sorry.' She said.
'No, No! It's fine.  I am just visiting.'  I said.

Kim's exhusband, Drew, walked in behind her.  He said hello.  'Did you want to be alone?' He asked.
'No...it's fine.' I replied.  I stood up from the chair to let one of them sit.

The girl told me that Kim was talking the night before.  I asked if the girls had been up to see Kim.  Drew said that he was not letting them come up anymore.  I decided to go for a walk. I called my mom and told her what was happening.  She knew Kim from when we were friends in highschool.  She cried too.  I hung up the phone and waited a bit.  I then turned and walked back in.  The girl that had come in earlier was leaving.  Drew was sitting and holidng Kim's hand.

He looked up at me, 'I can move if you want me too.'
'No....that's fine.' I said the word 'fine' several times....but nothing was.  Everything was wrong.  I started to cry.  I told him I should get going. 

'Do you need a minute alone?' he asked.
I couldn't answer right away. I felt selfish for asking for any of these last hours. 'If you wouldn't mind.'
'Absolutely.'  He stood up, touched my shoulder and walked out closing the door behind him. 

I sat down again and held her hand.  I tried catching my breath and to steady my voice.  They say that the last of the senses to go is hearing.  I wanted her to hear me... "You will have your angel wings soon and I know they will be beautiful.  I will miss you.  You will be with your dad soon.  I am sure he is waiting. I love you Kim.'  She moaned a little bit.  I like to think she may have been trying to say something.  I stroked her cheek, gave her a kiss. 

'I love you Kim.' I turned and left.  I opened the door, Drew again touched my shoulder in comfort.  The huge lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything so I nodded and kept walking.  I made it to the front desk where the nurse looked at me with a knowing glance and wrote down my sign out time.

5:55pm

I got in my car and went home knowing this was the last time I would drive down that winding road away from the hospice home. 

When I returned back home, my boys were waiting for me...oblivious to what had happened.  I carried on with my normal mom duties and tried to hide my sorrow.  I sent a text message to Kim's brother and asked if he would let me know when she passed.  He said he would.

I woke up the next morning and started making breakfast.  It was about 9:30am.  I wondered when the call or text message would come. 

It came about an hour and fifteen minutes later.  Her brother sent me a text message and shortly after Drew called me.  He was letting me know that she had passed.  I told him to please let me know if there was anything at all that I could do.  He said he would.  'The next conversation is going to be the hard one.  I have to tell the girls.'  I couldn't speak.  I looked at my boys sitting and eating the last of their breakfast.  I mumbled something, I can't remember what, and then said 'Thanks Drew.  Take care.' and I hung up the phone.

Approximately 10:45am on Saturday October 1st Kim finally got her wings and she flew home.  Away from pain, agony, sadness, and loss.  As happy as I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, I am still sad that she is not here anymore to share in this journey we call life.

I have no doubt at all that I will see her again.  I hope that she is one of the first people I see in heaven.  I hope she keeps an eye on me down here and gently guides me in the right direction. 

Her funeral services are Wednesday. 

I Do Not Know You

I texted Kim's brother today to ask how things with Kim are progressing.  He said that Kim is starting to not recognize people. 

All that runs through my mind is that I hope she does not know she is forgetting people.  That she doesn't feel lonely.  To die believing that you are alone...having strange people coming to you saying they know you and you are convinced you don't.  Lord have mercy.

I am struggling with deciding if I will go to see her again.  In my heart, I know I want to go.  I would go every day if it was feasible.  Then my thoughts go to....what would I say or do if she looked at me and did not know me?  Would she scream at me?  Would I be able to convince her that she does know me?  I do not think it would be fair to break down in front of her if she does not.  So...then do I leave the room and not go back if she doesn't?

Is there an etiquette book for "What to Do If Your Friend of Over 18 Years is Dying of Cancer and Does Not Remember You: Handling It With Grace."

I remember 15 years ago when I left for college we split one of those necklaces that says 'Best Friends Forever'.  Each half is a heart.  I still have mine.  I could not have imagined at the time what that would come to mean in our friendship so many years later.

**sigh**

I am sure I will go to see her before the end of the week...

One More Birthday

Thursday I got done with my work early, so I asked my boss if I could leave early to go and spend time with Kim.  She said yes.  I quickly shut down my computer and headed out the door.

The wind was cool and it was cloudy out.  I could feel the tears already wanting to surface.  I got to my car and sat down inside...took a deep breath and started the car.  I had to make it through the grocery store at least without crying to pick up some flowers. 

I went straight to the floral department and began looking.  None of them seemed just right, but I settled on some fall colored flowers--two bunches--a green vase and a small happy birthday balloon.  I went to check out and headed home to change clothes.  I sent Kim a text message, knowing she wouldn't respond, that I would be there soon.

I came into the house and changed.  I re-read my last post and decided to print it off.  I knew it would be hard to read it to her, but I knew I wanted to try.  I grabbed it off the printer and headed out the door.

When I got to the hospice home, I signed in and again I could feel the tears just beneath the surface.  I quickly scanned the guest sign in log to see if there was anyone else who might be in her room.  There was one name with a sign in time of about 10am.  I figured they had forgot to sign out. 

I headed towards her room.  I turned the corner and down the hall I could already see her doorway was decorated with "Happy Birthday" decor.  As I approached her room, I could not hear any noises.  I walked into the door way and noticed no one was sitting in the room.  A few steps further and I could see Kim laying in bed dozing.  I glanced around the room and there were approximately 6 vases of all different types of flowers.  Cards were scattered amongst them. 

I set to work getting the flowers I had bought her in the vase with some water and was thinking about where to put them.  Kim's eyes opened and she looked at me.  I said, 'Happy Birthday honey' in a soft tone.  I don't think she immediately recognized me.  She had a sponge swab in her mouth.  She pulled it out and said 'Thanks.'  She dipped the sponge in the cup of water by her bed and began sucking on it.

I asked, 'Have you had alot of visitors?'
She said, 'yep.'
'Did your girls come by yet?'
'No...not yet.  I have to call and find out when they are coming. But my phone is a piece of shit and I haven't been able to get it to work right.'

I finished getting the flowers in the vase and decided on a spot by the window.  It was so hard to hear her as she was talking that I asked if I could sit on her bed by her.  She said yes.

'I can't get out of bed anymore by myself.  I have that monitor on again.  (the bed alarm).  I fell yesterday.  I was stuck on the floor because I couldn't reach the button for help.  So....I laid there and had to call out for help until someone heard me.  When they came to pick me up...the way they were doing it...it hurt me. I hurt everywhere.  I don't think they believe me because they can't see anything wrong.'

As you read that, rather quickly I am sure, imagine it taking you about 10 minutes to say that...in between swabbing your mouth with a sponge because your mouth is so dry your tounge sticks to the roof of your mouth....and not being able to speak very loudly and having to repeat parts of it. 

'Are you eating or drinking anything anymore?' I asked.
'No.' She said.

I knew this was not a good sign.  'Do you want to go and sit outside?  It isn't too cool out.'

She asked, 'Can we go for a ride?  I really want a cigarette.' 

'Sure.'  I said.  She asked the nurse to come in and disconnect her from her IV pump which continuously gives her pain medication.  The nurse then helped her get into her wheel chair.  As the nurse helped her, it dawned on me that Kim's pj pants were barely hanging on to her waist.  If her belly wasn't bloated from cancer, they probably would have fallen off. 

It is hard to type out how disjointed her conversation with me was.  She was having a hard time finishing thoughts and would have to restart her sentences several times....and sometimes not finishing them at all.  I would gently try to help her finish her thoughts.  The nurse and I helped her to finish up little things she wanted done before leaving the room like emptying out and throwing away her water cup, putting the bottled water back in her fridge, turning off the lights.  She had not done this before when we would leave.  I suspect it is her attempt to maintain control over anything she can and I am fine with that.  As far as I was concerned, I was at her beckon call.

I pulled the car up to the front door as close as I could and the nurse and I got her in the car.  We started on our trip.  I asked her if there was anywhere she wanted to go or anything she wanted to see.  She asked, 'Like what?'  I said, 'do you want to stop anywhere for anything special to drink, eat, anything like that?  Ice cream again?'.

'Yes....ice cream...that twist kind.'  She said.  I replied, 'I know where we can go.'

As we were driving and she started talking, it was almost impossible to keep up any sort of a conversation.  She was easily confused as to where we were going, what she was trying to say, or where we even were.  When we got to the drive thru to order ice cream, I ordered her ice cream first, then I ordered something for myself.  She began trying to shout, 'That's not right!  What are you doing?!'.  I explained in a soft tone, 'Kim, I already ordered yours.' 

'That's not what I want though!  I want twist.' She was upset.

'Kim...that was the first thing I ordered.  It is ok.' I said again trying to reassure her.

'Whatever...I am so fucked up.'  and she resigned herself and leaned back.

We finished in the drive thru and pulled over in the parking lot.  Two men driving Harley Davidson Motorcycles drove by and she waved.  She took a few licks off of her cone and said, 'I can't do anymore with this.'  I was glad I had asked for an empty dish...I knew she would not be able to finish it.

There was an extra spoon in the dish and as she tried to dump the cone over into the dish, she tried to get the spoon through the middle of the cone.  I wasn't sure what she was doing, so I said, 'Kim...what are you trying to do?'  She said, 'Well, isn't that what it is there for?  I am trying to get it on there.'  I said, 'Kim, that's a spoon.'  I moved it out of the dish and guided her hand to set the cone down.  She was obviously confused. 

The rest of the drive, this is how things went...not making sense and I got to the point where it was easier to not disagree or try to correct at all.  I would go along with what she was saying or doing to try to keep her from getting upset. 

It was hell.

Seeing her fall apart and loose herself slowly is one of the most heart wrenching things to see.  I remember months ago when I asked Kim to let me know when she thought it would be our last visit together.  What a ridiculous thing for me to ask of her.  Being a nurse myself and having seen people die, I should have known better.  I found myself getting angry again.  Movies romanticise death so much that when people don't have actors and music playing in the background as someone fades away, the contrast is shocking. 

After ice cream, I drove her around some more so she could have another cigarette.  She tried dialing her cell phone and was getting upset and started swearing.  I asked her to give it to me so I could see if I could get it to work.  I did without a problem.  She asked me to show her how I made it work, so I did.  She could not do the 3-4 steps and gave up.  It was too monumental of a task for her to do anymore. 

We were almost back to the hospice home and asked her gently, but directly, 'Kim...are you ready to die?'.  Without hesitation, she said 'No.  I made it through one of my daughter's birthdays, and I am going to make it through the other's.'  Her eldest daughters birthday is today, Saturday.  'I don't want to die on her birthday.  It is her day.  I don't want to ruin that.  Some people know when they are going to die.  I don't.  Maybe I will.  I don't know.'

One more birthday. As of today, she will have made it through one more set of birthdays.  I wonder now how long she will fight.

We arrived back at the hospice home and we got her back to her room.  I helped to get her into the bathroom and she insisted I not stay in the bathroom with her while she did her business.  I told her fine, but that as soon as she was done, she had to call me so I could get in there to help her.  She agreed.  I thought to myself, I will read her what I wrote as soon as she gets situated in bed again.  Just then, her older brother walked in.  Damn.

Kim called me back into the bathroom and I helped her back into bed.  Her older brother helped as well.  She asked me to do several things for her.  I more than happily obliged.  Get her a new water cup and put some cold water in it.  Put her phone in the right spot.  Help her get covered with her blankets, but move her legs for her first because it is hard for her to do it under the weight of three blankets.  Set her chap stick next to her magazines.  She looked at me and said, ' I am sorry for asking you to do all of this stuff.' 

I stopped and looked at her and said, 'there is NOTHING else I would rather be doing.'  Once everything was in its place, I sat down.  Her brother already knew better than to try and engage in long conversation.  I had been there a little over two hours and I knew more visitors were coming. 

'I have to get going sweetie.  And I want you to have a little rest time before your girls get here.'  Truthfully, it is more than I can handle to watch her girls be there with their dying mother.  Maybe that makes me weak.  Regardless, sitting there and crying while they visit is not okay. 

'Okay.  Thanks for coming.'  I stood up, hugged her fragile, failing body and kissed her fore head.

'Love  you.  Happy Birthday.'  A few tears found their way down my cheek.

'Love you too.' she said.

As I turned to leave, her brother stood up and told Kim he would be right back because he wanted to go and have a cigarette.  We walked down the hall and didn't say anything.  I signed out at the front desk and the nurse looked at me with eyes that told me so much even though she said nothing. 

The wind was cold and I didn't have a jacket.  I didn't mind.  It felt good. 

Her brother and I talked for a little bit. I asked if their mom had been out yet.  He told me she had been and that Kim spent most of the time yelling at her about something so she had to leave.  Kim called her mom about an hour after she had left and asked when she was coming to visit. 

I told him what she had said about not wanting to die on Saturday because of it being one of her daughter's birthdays.  We both agree that this is probably the last thing she is waiting for.

'I want her to let go.  It's not that I don't want her here, but I don't want her suffering anymore.'  The tears I had managed to keep back for hours finally broke free.  Neither one of us said much more after that. 

I got into my car and began to drive home. 

Anytime after I see her, I am utterly exhausted.  I do not physically do much when I am with her, but the emotional energy is incredible.  I do not mean that to sound negative in any way.  This is a unique experience for me...thank goodness...and I sometimes wonder if others have felt the same way. 

She is a shadow of who she once was.  I want to try one more time to see her, but every time I leave her, I wonder if it was my last.

Why NOT?

Tomorrow is Kim's birthday.  She will be 33.

I sent her brother a text message today asking if there was anything special going on tomorrow for her birthday.  He said he didn't know of anything going on.  This struck me. 

I was angry.  She is dying.  But she is still living.  Why NOT celebrate her life?  Does she need cake, presents, balloons, or any of that...No.  I think she does need to know that she made a difference in the lives of other people.  That her leaving us is a loss.  That we love her....and a part of our lives goes with her.  Yes..one day we will be reunited, but until that time, an irreplaceable piece is gone.

Why NOT celebrate her life?

I want to get her some of her favorite flowers.  I want to find her a card but I doubt I can find one that says:

Thank you...for reminding me that life is fragile and we need to cherish EVERY day.  For reminding me that friends are a tremendous part of what gets us through.  Keep them close.  For making me think about what having faith really means.  It isn't 'knowing' anything.  It's believing, despite proof, that there is something else to this life that we are just not privy to yet.  That what we experience here is temporary and we move on to something even greater.  You have taught me that love carries on...despite disease, time, separation, and difference. It always brings us back to who and what means the most in our lives. 

You are someone I can not replace.  I can only hope the pang of loss fades with time.  Happy reminders of you will always be in my heart.  And everytime I see a butterfly, I will think of you and wonder if it is you saying hi. 

I love you. 

Please tell God I am doing my best down here.  I hope I am doing right.  And if you drop me hints once in awhile along the way, I promise, I will do my best to pay attention!

Kim..it's ok to let go...to finally have peace.  I want that for you as much as it hurts me and I will miss you.  It is selfish of me to want to keep you here. 

Happy Birthday Kim.

I don't think I will find that on a card in a store.  Nope.  Maybe I will have to print this off and take it with me. 

Letting Go

I have been to see Kim a couple of times since my last post.  Her girls had their birthday party.  She had asked me if I got the information about the party.  I told her no.  She said she would make sure I had it in time to get there.  I waited until an hour before the party was to begin.  I never got the text message, so I went on with my day.  I was not upset or anything.  I figured something came up or maybe it ended up being more of a family gathering. 

I knew she could not text anymore as she had become so weak.  I called her the Sunday after the party.  She asked why I wasn't there and I told her.  She said her girls had wanted to meet me.  I reminded her that they had.  I suggested a little meeting by her....she said that would be great.

Things seemed to be unchanged with her status overall until yesterday.  I had tried calling her several times and she did not answer.  I decided to take a ride over.  I walked into her room and she was nodding off.  I said hello. 

"I was just waking up." She replied. 

"Did you have visitors today?"  I asked

She thought about this for a few moments and then said, "I honestly don't know." 

It was obvious she was still tired.  I sat and glanced at the tv as she was rubbing her eyes.  When I turned back to look at her, she was sleeping again.  I sat and waited for awhile, watching her breath.  It's amazing to me how sunken her face is, how skinny her finger and wrists are.  Her skin looks waxy and is discolored in such a way that it seems if you took a warm soapy wash cloth to it, you might get that color off.  Truth is...you wouldn't be able to do so.  Her lips were so dry.  It was obvious she had lost more teeth.   Her nails were still perfectly manicured....the one thing that makes her feel pretty. 

As I sat there, it dawned on me....she is letting go.  You can tell her soul is barely hanging on to her body...instead, it is reaching towards heaven...away from the misery this life has given her.  Visiting her is no longer for Kim...it is for me........to say goodbye and see you soon....for me to get any last ounce of closure. 

Her birthday is this Thursday.  She will be 33 years old.  Her daughter's birthday is this Saturday. I wonder if she will be here.

Change is Inevitable

I decided today that since I had not heard from Kim I would just go to see her. I ate dinner with my family, helped get baths going and my husband took over from there. I got into the car and all I could think about was getting there.

I drove down the curvy drive way to the hospice and as I was pulling into a parking stall, I saw her sitting in a wheel chair in the sun room. A small wave of relief washed over me. I figured...ok....she got some help getting there. Totally understandable. I shut off the car and walked to the door. I noticed another car coming in as I crosssed the small parking lot. I recognized him immdiately....Kim's brother. I waited for him to catch up to me and we walked in. The nurse spoke to both of us right away.

She said that Kim is no longer allowed to get up and walk around on her own. She must be escorted at all times. She can go for car rides, but is not allowed to get out of the car anymore. Kim realized it must be taking her brother and I a bit to long to find her so she called out, "I am in here guys." We walked in and she was obviously a little upset. I immediately noticed that some of her teeth had broken off...a terrible side effect from all of the chemotherapy drugs. She said, "Great...now what am I supposed to do?"

I asked, "About what?"

K:"Both of you are here now and I didn't think I had to people coming at the same time. I screwed up again!"

Me: "Kim...it's no big deal. I came unannounced. If you had other plans, it's fine. I just had not heard from you so I wanted to come and see how you were." I could tell this answer was not going to satisfy her. I felt like I was in a no win situation. Not come, and not know how she was or what was going on, or risk coming and upsetting her. I guess I achieved the later of the two.

Her brother said they were going to go for a car ride so she could have a cigarette and that I was welcome to come along. I decided I would. The nurse helped Kim to get into the car and I sat down behind her in the back seat. Her brother was talking to the nurse and Kim said "hey! knock it off! I am right here".

I asked her, "Kim what is wrong?"

K: "I know they are talking about me. I HATE that. I am sitting right here. It is rude."

Me: "Kim, the nurse is just telling your brother that she will help us get you back in when we get back."

K: "oh......."

As her brother began to drive, the details of the week came out. She now has a bed alarm, needs help with getting up and moving around at all times, and she has drastic mood swings that make it difficult for her to calm down. Evidently her mental state has not been very good the last three to four days. Every once in a while she would sort of trail off mid sentence and neither her brother nor I had any idea what she was talking about. It is almost like she was mixing the past and present tense together. We just let it pass in the conversation as normal.

We got back to the hospice facility and got her to her room...helped her into bed. She can't boost herself up in bed anymore so her brother and I helped. Her body is so tiny and frail. The nurse came in to give her a bolus of her pain medication since she had been off her pump for a bit. Her brother and I talked with her for about a half an hour and it was then obvious she was rather tired. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead....told her I loved her and left.

Her brother and I walked out together. I didn't want to start crying before I made it outside, but it just didn't happen. I said to her brother, "you know this just sucks." He said, "she's got time yet." My response, "I know.....but watching her go through this...". Neither one of us said anything. I asked him to keep me posted on how she is doing if anything else should change for the worse. He said he would.

I got into my car and started bawling. The one measly tissue I grabbed from the nurse's station was not going to be enough....I just used the back of my hand and wiped my tears on my jeans. The 'low gas' buzz came on and all I could think was that I didn't care and if I had to walk home because I didn't stop before I came, I couldn't have cared less.

I want to scream I am so angry! If she has to loose her life to this battle...fine. If she can't be there for her daughters growing up....fine. But why does this have to be such a drawn out and unforgiving process?? Why does she have to be aware of everything that is happening to her? Can't God just say, enough is enough! Come to heaven and be at peace. Why does it have to be THIS way? Where is the mercy? Full throttle tears erupted from my eyes and burned down my cheeks. I just let it out...plain and simple. I am tired of holding it in and being composed and all that nonsense. An emotional tidal wave came out in an empty minivan.

About two miles from home I knew I had to pull it together. My boys were still awake and I didn't want them to see me upset. Thankfully it is dark out and their bedroom lights are off. Steadying my voice is easy enough. I walked into the house and the boys realized their Mama was home. I gave hugs, kisses, and a few snuggles.

I am so tired...not as tired as Kim, I am sure....I hope sleep finds me quickly tonight.

1...2...3

Kim's text messages seldom come anymore. I liked to wait for her to say it was ok to come, but I am begining to think that won't happen anymore. I don't know why I feel like I need courage to go and see her. She is my friend. Why should I need courage? It is less intimidating to walk into a meeting at work with some of the 'higher ups'.

I have taken to reading books about the meaning of life and people's near death experiences. I find them rather soothing to the soul...and I truely believe that there is something amazing on the other side of this life and that she will be free. And I am happy for her...grateful that true peace awaits her. But my heart is still sad and doesn't understand the 'why' of it all. I have come to know that is what my faith in God is all about...that I am not privy to the 'why' just yet. Some day...I will be...and not before God decides it is my turn to know. Faith...that word means so much more than it ever did before for me.

A long time ago, Kim told me that the hardest part of her in this journey is not knowing if she did everything she could to beat this cancer. There are no websites, foundations, etc for the very specific cancer she has. It is so rare. In an effort to help these people who are scattered throughout the world, I started a simple face book page in her honor: The Kimberly Ann Network: Clear Cell Sarcoma Information and Support. For many months, no one joined. I checked in faithfully, but admittedly so have not had the time to update and research as much as I would like.

This past week, two people affected by this horrible cancer have joined to make 3 of us. As sad as I am that there are people dealing with CCS, I am so happy to be working to provide a resource to people....to connect, to support, to share. If what Kim has gone through provides one single person with information that aides them in their battle, her life has been given so much more meaning despite it's end. The tremendous ability to give birth to a child is knowing that you gave life to someone...working through KAN gives all members the opportunity to share a life saving measure,test, medicine, support...over and over again in Kim's name....even though she will soon be gone.

I can NOT for the life of me think of a better way to honor my dear friend.

The Sun Begins to Set

It gets harder and harder every time to deny what is happening to my friend. Of course I know she is dying and she won't get better...but if she is having a good day, it is easier to pretend it isn't happening, to protect myself emotionally. Her face is getting thinner...temples more sunken in. Her jaw line is hard and her skin has a very washed out tone. Her wrists are so skinny and her fingers look so delicate. When she is sitting on the bed, she looks about 6 months pregnant...the cancer is ravaging her insides causing her belly to expand. She should be pregnant...not laying in a hospice bed. It is a cruel visual deception and another reminder of how this just isn't fair.

She tells me she is sleeping more and more...she dreams about her dad frequently. It's almost like you can watch her brain process each movement she is going to make. It is heart wrenching at times.

I usually bring our junky car to go see her. That way, we can walk out side and she can still have a cigarette. When we are sitting in the car talking, it almost feels normal. I park the car facing the random field to the east of the building. We talk about whatever comes to mind.

We walk back to her room and she lays back in her bed. She drifts off and then comes back again. The bolus dose of medication she got is making her sleepy. We talk a bit more and she says to me, "I don't remember the last time I saw my babies." It is hard for her to keep the days straight. She calls her exhusband and asks her to bring them for a visit.

I know I can't stay and watch her with her girls. It is just too much for me. I stay for a few more moments and then I let her know I have to be getting home. I give her a hug and a kiss....tell her I love her. As I am walking out to my car, I see her daughters. They are eating icecream on a hot summer day. I get into my car and watch them go in....it's just not right.

I start the car and head home as the sun begins to set.

Her New Home

Kim has been in hospice for just over a week now. I have visitied her twice. She seems to be doing ok. Her room is pretty...very nice view of a water fountain that the birds love to bathe in. She has a couch, a comfy recliner, a small desk type area...a television...and a few other things. You can tell they try to make it homey. She has three windows right next to eachother that all can be opened and a door leading out to a small patio. There is a few store bags with a castle and princess toys for her daughters...plenty of pictures of Kim and her girls. I have been trying to think of something to bring her that would give it a 'touch of home', but I can't think of anything.

The swelling in her feet has gone down tremendously. I assume it has to do with all the adjustable positions on her chair and bed to keep her feet elevated.

She is able to get up and walk around...sit outside. Her spirits are good. I asked her the last time I was there if she is still seeing her dad, and she said, 'not lately.' She is sleeping more and more. I am glad she is comfortable in mind and spirit. There is even someone in her life who has come to make amends with her and she is happy about that.

It's amazing to me....how different our lives are at this point...how easily it could be me instead of her. She is preparing to die and I am working full time, raising a family, going on a vacation this weekend. Our lives are very similar in some ways too...we are both mothers, dedicated to our children, have hopes and dreams. It is such a difficult thing for me to process and I have had over a year to wrap my mind around it. I suspect I never will.

I decided to memorialize my friend and everything she has taught me in a rather personal way. I designed my first tattoo. One of my other closest friends went with me to get it done. I wasn't sure Kim would be here long enough to see it, but she did. She very much approved. I am not sure I could ever convey the deep meaning this tattoo has for me. It is not a tattoo, it is a piece of art that I will always have with me for the rest of my life.

Here We Go

A few days ago, I was able to spend some time with Kim. She seemed to be able to tolerate the higher doses of morphine a little bit better. She was able to stay more awake, although she would still drift off at times during our conversation. I asked if there was anything else i could help her do. She said "no. I can't write any more letters because I could go on forever. I have written some letters 2-3 times. I just have to stop."

She told me that since her nurse last visited and mentioned it is getting close to the time to go to the hospice facility, everyone has been treating her like she is 10 years old. She's tired of it. She says she feels like she has to have a babysitter all the time, someone giving her medications, and someone taking her cell phone away. She asked me to help her with getting her pain pump cartridge changed. I sat on the couch patiently waiting for her to ask for help. She only needed help once.

Again, I could tell she was tired and I told her, "Kim....get some sleep my dear. I will be back again soon." I told her I would text her later in the week to find out what would work best.

She texted me first. She is going to the hospice facility this Friday or Saturday. She told me that she feels like going to hospice is offically giving up. My heart broke. I think it is more like saying, 'enough.' She has suffered for a year and half....through surgeries, chemotherapy, not to mention the emotional struggles with her children. As much as it breaks my heart to loose her, I hate seeing her suffer. I would much rather know she has her angel wings and is free from the disease that has attacked her body.

Love goes on....and so will she.

Serendipity

Posting about this experience is getting harder and harder for me.

I wanted to help Kim finish her book for her girls. It took a total of three sessions. The first two went pretty good. I managed to keep my emotions in check and we were able to finish each of the first to sections in about an hour and a half each. The first time I helped her, she told me I could look back and read what else she wrote for the girls. In one spot, she talked about her favorite childhood books. One of them was called 'Serendipity'. She said that she could not find the book and had long since lost her copy years ago. I immediately got on the computer and found a copy. Ordered it right away and had it sent directly to her. She was extremely grateful to know that a copy of this book that she loved as a child was going to make it to her again.

I was at least slightly disappointed that it could take up to 2 1/2 weeks to get. I hoped and prayed that it would get there much sooner. About a week after we ordered it, I got an email from the seller saying that it was not in the stated condition on the web site and he asked if I still wanted it. I emailed back and said yes and could you please send it quickly as it is for a dying friend. I did not hear back.

So this past week I was texting with Kim asking her if she got it yet. The answer was always no. I was hugely disappointed. I really wanted this for her. She is video recording herself reading her favorite childhood stories for her daughters. This is one that she had not done yet...the last one.

I was also texting her because we had one more section to get done in her book. I kept trying to get ahold of her, and she was not answering. On Monday, I asked her if Wednesday would work. No answer. I texted her on Wednesday again asking if that night would work. Again, No answer. Thursday came.....again...no responses from my texts. Finally, Friday night, I heard back from her. She had not gotten the book yet. I quickly asked if Saturday would work for me to come over. She said yes so we set a time.

My husband, who has been more than understanding of my need to go and spend time with her, was again gracious enough to not mind one bit that I was going by her. It being our wedding anniversary, I was even more grateful. Some might think I should have been with my husband. If I were to admit the complete truth, I would not have been able to enjoy myself at all if I knew I had the opportunity to help Kim finish the book, and didn't. I also know that I have many more days with my husband than I do my friend. There are many more opportunities to celebrate.

I got to Kim's house and went inside. She was standing in the kitchen and said she had to go outside for a minute. We walked out on to the deck for a minute so she could talk to her mom. We then went back inside. It was so obvious to me that she is declining. She sat down slowly in her recliner and got situated. I of course offered to help, but she said 'no, I want to do it myself.' As she got comfy, she kicked off her slippers. Her ankles no longer exist due to swelling. She told me that she is going to a hospice facility in the next week or two. Her pain is increasing quickly and her pain medications have been turned up three times in the last few days. Her two brothers were going to look at a hospice facility as the one she originally wanted does not currently have any openings.

I tried so hard to hold back tears. She could tell. She said, 'Jaime, it's ok to cry. I don't mind.' I cried for a few minutes and then got the book. I asked her if she was ready to finish and she said 'Yep.' I began to ask her a question. When I looked up from the page, she was sleeping in the chair. I waited a few moments and she opened her eyes again. I carefully wrote down the words she was saying with the purple pen she wanted all her answers written with.

After about two questions, her mom walked into the room with mail. Her mom handed her a white plastic covered envelope. It was the book! She couldn't open the envelope, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and carefully opened it. Inside was her book. I gave it to her immediately. She flipped through the pages and glanced at the pictures. She told me I would have to read it when I was done crying. She told me that tomorrow night her daughters are coming and she will record the last book on video...serendipity. My heart just about burst out of my chest.

We continued with the book. It was so hard to watch her nod off for minutes at a time. Her body is giving in to the cancer. After about an hour, we finished the book. When I told her we were done, she smiled. She thanked me for helping her finish it. I told her that I was more than happy to have helped.

We went into the kitchen where she had a cigarette. I honestly don't know how many puffs she had off of it because she could not stay awake. Again, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. She said to me, 'you can talk to me. I don't mind. You can open up to me.' My reply was, 'I don't want you feeling like you have to support me. That's the last thing you need.' She said 'maybe I want to be.'

I told her, 'I am angry. It is so unfair that you have to go through this. I am sad because I am losing one of my best friends. You can't be replaced.' She said to me, 'Life isn't fair, hon.' She told me that when she sleeps now, she sees her dad. He passed a few years ago. She said the she talks, and he listens. He is wearing the outfit he was buried in. She also feels her since passed cat brushing up against the back of her legs. When she turns to see her, she is gone. It is so immensely sad and yet reassuring that she is having these experiences....that she won't be alone when she dies. She said she thinks her time is soon.

I asked her, 'so are you going to haunt me?' She laughed. It was nice to hear. She said she didn't know if she was going to visit the people she likes or haunt all of the people she doesn't like. We both chuckled. I read the childhood book she so loved while she sat in the kitchen chair...her eyes closed most of the time.

She was so obviously tired and I asked her if she wanted to go and lay down. She apologized that our visit was on the shorter side. Again, I began to cry. I said, ' You do not owe me any type of apology.' She said she did want to go and lay down. I walked with her to the couch where she wanted to lay. I asked her for a hug before she laid down. With tears in my eyes, she said, 'It's ok Jaime.' I said, 'I love you.' Her reply, 'I love you too.'

I got to my car and broke down. I had extra tissues, thankfully. I had slipped her brother a note before he left with my name and phone number and asked that he call or text me with updates on Kim...when and where she goes to hospice. I anticipate that this will be the next contact I get on my phone regarding Kim.

You Can't Take That Away

I was going about my normal day when I thought, I should see if Kim wants Kris to come and do her nails again. I sent off a message and got a response much quicker than I am used to getting. She said she would love it if she could come again. She then said she had to tell me something and ask a favor. I of course said absolutely.

She told me that she is no longer able to write. Her hands are too weak to hold the pen anymore. Kim is devastated. She has not finished everything she wants to write yet. I knew what the favor was going to be before she even said it. I immediately said I would love to help her finish whatever it is she needs done. She said she hasn't finished the book about herself yet that will go to her daughters.

I didn't even have to think about it....she didn't even have to ask if I would do it. I will not let cancer take away her ability to tell her daughters whatever it is she needs to say. I will not let it leave something Kim wants done incomplete.

My thoughts shifted to wether or not my handwriting will look nice enough...maybe I should practice writing what she wants me to write before I actually put it in the book. I don't want to make spelling mistakes or have scratch outs. I know I can't write like her, so her daughters will know someone else wrote in it for their mom.

It is such an honor to be able to do this for her. Honestly, it will probably be one of the most important things I do in my life. I need to do this, and do it right.

Lady Bug

I saw Kim last just over a week ago. It was a shorter visit, but it was jam packed! I had exchanged the pajamas I bought her for the correct size and even found her a pair she liked better than the ones I bought previously. I helped her to buy a new robe online as she had never really shopped online before, and it looked very pretty!! Finally, she got to meet my oldest son for the first time. It was hugely rewarding to me to be able to have her meet him. I told her ahead of time that he can be rather energetic, but he was VERY well behaved. She couldn't play with him, but she was asking him what sounds animals make and they were going back and forth meowing, barking, mooing, etc. It was so cute!

Her daughters were also there. I have only met them a couple of times. They were dancing and bouncing around the house in their dresses. They kept trying to play with my son, but he was way too shy....until they brought out the super hero toys :) Her oldest daughter drew my son a picture of a dinosaur and gave it to him....it was on the same green paper she had written the heartbreaking letter to her mom. I said to Kim, 'she is so articulate!' Kim said, 'yeah...now imagine her calling me a fucking bitch.' Stunning.....that's all I could think of at the moment. That little girl in her blue and white polka dot dress with a few little lady bugs sewn on could say something so vile.

The kids played and we were chatting. I asked her about her pain medications and how her dose was increased. She said that she would have to change the cartridge in her pump before the nurse came because otherwise she would run out. I said, 'well, why don't you do it right now and if you need help, I can help.' I got her bag of supplies and she began the process. Her hands shook slightly the entire time. I wanted to jump in and do it for her, but I didn't want to insult her either. I was in front of the rocking chair she was sitting on ready to help. She was able to do most of it. The things she couldn't do required a strong grip--something she is losing the ability to do. I helped her click the cartridge back in place and lock it, change the batteries, and change the tubing. After cleaning up and putting those supplies away, I snipped all the tags off of her new pj's and got the ready to be washed.

She had also asked me to bring her some water bottles like the ones I usually bring because they are easy for her to open. I brought two and filled one with apple juice as she requested.

She told me that she had been sitting on the ground painting the girls toe nails and it ended up causing her a great deal of pain. She was trying to hide it because she didn't want the girls to know. When she tells me these things, it saddens me immensely. I can't imagine having such basic, every day type activities resulting in so much pain.

I would have stayed longer, but I knew my son had to get some dinner. It was nearing 6:30pm and we had to get back home. I gave her a hug and told her 'I love you.' I asked her to let me know when she gets the robe and what she thinks of it. She said she would :)

For My Next Mission

I am a little late in blogging my most recent visit with Kim. At the end of last week, I asked her if we could get together again. Her text messages were coming much less frequently and she told me she could sleep entire days away. This is not a good sign. We used to be able to text message for at least a half an hour. Now, it can take an entire day to get one response. Panic, on my part, was starting to set in.

Of course I asked her if she needed anything. She told me that her robe has cigarette burns in it, and it is getting dingy. She said that it makes her feel ugly. I texted her and said, "one fluffy robe coming up!" I took to the internet as I usually do in these situations to minimize running around to multiple stores. I was having no luck at all with local stores--even the big chains. I thought that maybe if I walked around the stores, I might luck out. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.

I was saddened a little bit that I could not meet this simple request. I knew I could find them online, but time is of the essence in this situation. I walked around in the departments and realized that they had some very nice pajama sets on sale. I found 5 that I tought she might like and went to the check out. I knew that I was totally going out on a limb. She may not like what I picked out at all.

I got to her house and let myself in with a gentle knock, armed with a shopping bag. She said to me, "you know you can just come over. You don't have to bring stuff every time!". I said, "Kim, if this is what I can do for you, I want to do it." Truthfully, it goes against every fiber of my being to not try to fill a simple request of a dying friend. So I pass up getting a new purse this month...big deal! I don't want my friend sitting in her home, feeling ugly as she dies. That is beyond unacceptable to me.

I showed her what I bought and she loved them! I told her I could not find a robe as she had said she would like, but thought new pajamas might help. They were a smidge too small, so I will have to exchange them, but I certainly don't mind--that is tomorrow's visit.

With how tired she has been recently, I told my husband that I did not expect her to be up for too long of a visit. I got there at about 1:45pm. I hoped to make it until 3:00pm if at all possible. We started talking about the more mundane parts of life. But then she told me she wondered how much morphine she was on compared to a 'normal' person.

Going back to a comparison in a recent post, when I was a nurse on a cardiac floor, patients who came in for chest pain could get 1-2mg of morphine every 2-4 hours for chest pain. She is getting a continuous infusion that totals 360mg in 24 hours. Plus, she can get 15mg every 10 minutes if she needs it. No, that is not a typo. She is still experiencing pain, although, it is controlled for the most part. She asked me if there was a ceiling so to speak for the morphine where she won't be allowed anymore. I told her that in my experience, hospice patients can have as much medication as they need to contol pain. Eventually, the narcotics can supress the drive to breathe, hastening death. However, being conscious and in horrific pain is not an alternative either.

She told me she only has a few more letters to write to people. She was going through the list of names, and she says, "....I have yours done." I said, "mine?". I was frozen for a moment. I could feel my eyes fill up with tears, but I wouldn't let them loose. "Yes," she said, "for after I am gone." It was one of those moments in life where I was truely speechless. I didn't say anything and let her keep talking. Many of the things she wants to get done, she has gotten done. I think that gives her a sense of peace...I could see it on her face.

We eventually moved into the kitchen where she made herself a cup of tea. We sat at the kitchen table talking. She handed me two lime green sheets of paper with red handwriting. She told me to read them. I could tell it was a child's handwritting. I can not recall the exact words, but it was from one of her daughters saying that she doesn't want to come and spend time with Kim anymore because it makes her sad to see her sick. There were a bunch of scribbles at the bottom. This is where her daughter stopped and rewrote the letter on the second sheet of paper. Kim said these were left on the table for her to see in the morning.

How crushing.....and yet, on some level understandable. I told Kim that it must be devastating to read, but I asked if she could objectively see how this would be hard for her daughter. She said, yes I can. Kim used to split time with the girls 50/50 with her exhusband. Now, it is down to a day a week. Kim does not have the energy or physical capability to care for the girls the way she wants. The bad days are outweighing the good. The hardest thing for Kim to do is to stay awake. She is exhausted and dying.

It is so unfair the fact that she is dying...and now she has to read letters from one of her children about not coming to see her anymore because it makes her sad. It makes me angry. It makes buying something like pajamas seem so insignificant, but if I can brighten her days in any way...I am going to do it.

I ended up spending time with her until 5:00pm. Two hours beyond what I had thought she would be up for. She said it was a good day. I asked her if I could make one request. I asked if she could let me know when our last visit would be....when that time comes that she feels her time is near. She said yes. I know she may not know, but sometimes people do...I gave her a hug and told her I loved her before I left.

Friday morning she sent me a text message that her nurse turned up her morphine. It is now taking upwords of a day to get a message back from her.

I am sad :(

Apples are NOT oranges

I can honestly say there is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder about Kim and how she is doing. It affects me everyday. When I get frustrated with the kids or my husband....I stop and think...at least one of us isn't dying so get over it!

One problem I have is I sometimes don't allow myself to feel 'normal.' I know I can't make her tragedy the basis for how I live my life, but I certainly want to learn and remember some basic life lessons. I can't not allow myself to be angry because it could be worse and I can't not allow myself to be happy because my friend is dying.

The other problem is this....I am not only a mom, but also a Nurse--a ridiculously bad combination. My youngest son has had a low grade fever over the past few days and where does my mind immediately jump?? Of course I think of Kim's fevers and how they are a symptom of the worsening cancer that will kill her. I know it is a far stretch to take a fever in an otherwise completely healthy child and think he has....I can't even type it. And yet, my Nurse knowledge, the sadness of Kim dying, and an unexplained symptom in my child takes me to very dark places. The thoughts sit at the edge of my mind and dart in like lightening bolts throughout my day. It's almost like the more I try to ignore or shove them down, the harder they fight to stay up in my consciousness.

The fever that Kim has vs. what my youngest son has is comparing apples to oranges. I know I can't assume that because my friend is sick that it will some how be my (or someone I love)turn next.

I have thought so much about my faith. I do not doubt there is a heaven and eternal life on the other side of this life. I have total faith in that, and yet I still can't not be sad. The part of my faith that is challenged is that there is some reason for all of this--my life, what is going on with Kim, etc. I am just not allowed to know yet what that is. Maybe if I knew, I could ease my sadness....know what to say to her children, mother, brother, etc. to ease their grief. I have to keep my faith strong that some day I will be privy to that knowledge...even though it will be one of the hardest things that I ever do.

Her Last Mother's Day

My most recent visit with Kim was last Monday. I wasn't as nervous this time. I asked Kim if there was anything she needed or wanted. She told me her teddy bear that she uses was getting a little worn. She wanted one to use to help when she can't get comfortable laying down--sort of like a mini body pillow. I only had Monday to find one and I worked until 5:30 and had to get to her place by around 6:30.

I mentioned my challenge in casual conversation to a new coworker. She said, "well I am not busy, I will call around and see who has them for you." She was touched by Kim's story, and I guess she wanted to help. I was so very greatful. She called several places and finally spoke with a lady at a local retailer who had them in stock. She reported this to me and said they were on clearance even! Perfect! (Not that money is an issue in this situation, but it certainly helps!).

I got done with work, sped home, spent about a half hour with my children, and then off I went. I knew I had to get the teddy bear, and a black cherry smoothie for sure. I got to the store and the teddy bear was perfect! Kim said the butt had to be at her hips with the head of the bear high enough that she can bury her face in it, not to mention huggable! I tested it out just to be sure and I began to tear up. I just stood there for a moment thinking about how simple her requests are in this final stage of her life.

I had also asked Kim what her favorite flowers were. I figured that since her reason for not wanting things was that her mom would have to give them away, I could get her flowers. So the floral shop was my last stop.

I was running late, so I called my friend who does her nails and said she could head over and I would be right behind her by about five minutes. I pulled up to the floral shop at 6:30 only to find they had closed at 5:30!!! Ugh!! I saw another shop, a new one I had never seen, about a block back. I jumped back into my car and headed over.

The ladies at the shop were wonderful :) I told them what I needed and the girl asked me how much money was my limit. I said, fifty bucks. She pulled out Iris's that had just come in and weren't even open yet, a few white roses, some greenery, and a few other blooms--no idea what they are called. It was gorgeous and smelled amazing. She rang me up and said the total was $27. I was rather impressed that she didn't rack up the bill to $50. Armed with a gorgeous bouquet, I was out the door and headed to Kim's house.

I pulled up and grabbed the first armload of goodies--flowers, black cherry smoothie and cheese danish. I walked in and she was already being pampered with her foot bath. I told her she had to close her eyes and I laid the flowers on her lap. She loved them. I put them into the biggest vase she had. I then ran out to the car for the teddy bear. Again, I made her close her eyes. When she opened them, she said, "where in the world did you find that?! My daughter is going to steal it you know." I smiled.

It is amazing to me how fullfilling and humbling it is to fill her simple requests to the best of my ability. It also amazes me how people want to help me do things for her...the friend who comes to do her manicure and pedicure at no charge--she won't even let me pay her; the coworker calling around for teddy bears, etc. It makes me realize that there is still genuinely good people in the world. It is incredibly refreshing, and to those who have helped me help my friend, I am forever greatful.

Kim talked about how her cancer is progressing. She now has difficulty controlling her body temperature. Intermittent fevers have started and will only get worse. Her appetite is wanning and she is sleeping more. Thankfully, the morphine pump is keeping her pain largely under control. I could tell she was tired because she would get quiet and look lost in thought.

After the manicure and pedicure were done, I told her I would not be upset at all if she wanted to head to bed. She still wanted to chit chat. We caught up on the more mundane parts of life. Then she told me she is struggling with trying to help her older daughter with anger issues. Seems to me an 8 year old losing her mother would have alot to be angry about....but how in the world to you begin to even tackle that issue?? Old enough to have some understanding of what is going on, but too young to understand it is completely out of her control. All she knows is that she is losing her mommy. I just can not imagine......

We called it a night later than I figured she would have wanted. I let her make those calls. If she wanted to stay up until 3am talking, I would be there.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am thanking God that he has allowed her to be here with her daughters for this day. It is also heart breaking to know that the next Mother's Day, her daughters won't have their mother here...or for any other major holidays. It is terribly depressing...still...I hope she has a wonderful Mother's Day.

I am hoping to be able to spend time with her again in about two weeks. We will still text message in the meantime. I am going to have to think about what my next armload of goodies will be!

Thursday Night

Thursday I left work a little anxious about the evening events to come. I dashed home, spent some time with my boys and husband, and then left for Kim's house. I had one stop to make....the department store. I walked in and found two pairs of cute slippers. One matched her robe perfectly and the other were super squishy. I could not decide between the two, so I bought both. I walked to my car and realized I was by one of her favorite little restaurants. I called her and asked if she would like anything. I went there and said, "One black cherry smoothie to go please" :) I snagged a cheese danish and some chocolate chip cookies too...just in case.

I hurried to where I would meet the lady who was to do the manicure and pedicure. Once we both got there, I explained that Kim has a dry sense of humor and is not a wilting flower so to speak about the fact that she is dying. She is realistic and faces it head on. I guess when you have been told for more than 18 months that you are dying the novelty of it kind of wears off.

She followed me to Kim's house and I had to consciously stop and take a deep breath. I grabbed all my goodies and we headed to the front door. I was actually surprised at how good Kim looked compared to the last time I saw her. Her eyebrows were growing back, as well as her eyelashes. I smiled. She can do butterfly kisses with her daughters again like she mentioned once before. She had about a half inch of hair grown back, but it was hiding underneath her hat. I noticed her black bag with clear tubing coming out and running up under the neck of her tshirt-her morphine pump constantly feeding her pain medication.

I showed her the slippers. She really liked the pair that matched her robe! The other ones were a hit too. I said, "Keep them both."

Kris set straight away to doing Kim's manicure and pedicure. I was rather impressed at all of the products and such that she brought with...even a foot bath! Excellent! I had told Kris before we got to Kim's house that I would gladly pay her money for her services. She said, "Absolutely not." I was delighted to see that all three of us were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. We talked about so many things it was hard to remember the specifics. I suppose it doesn't matter. The fact that we were all doing something rather normal, I suspect, was refreshing for Kim. In all, Kris spent just over two hours donating her services. Kim said, "I have never been a girly girl, but I have always loved getting my toes and nails done. It is the only part of my appearance that I even care about anymore." She explained that she has lost feeling and strength to some degree in her hands so she cannot cut her own fingernails anymore.

When Kris was done, Kim thanked her and gave her a hug. Kris offered to come back in two to three weeks to do it all again. Kim said she may be at her home, she may be at the hospice facility. Kris said, either place was fine. I think it is impossible to put a price on dignity, especially for someone who in the process of dying. This small offering of doing a manicure/pedicure is incredibly precious. I do not even know what would be a fair monetary compensation to Kris. I am so grateful for her kindness to my friend.

I helped Kris load up her car and gave her a hug, thanked her. I walked back into the house, again reminding myself to stop and breathe. I anticipated she would want to go to bed, which was fine...she looked awfully tired. To my surprise, she asked me if I wanted a cup of hot chocolate. "Regular or dark chocolate?" she asked. "Dark." I replied.

We began talking about the normal day to day stuff. She showed me her hospice supplies that the nurse left, her special air mattress, some of her wedding pictures, books she was reading. I don't remember how we got to talking about it, but she telling me about how she gets so tired of people acting like they have to be strong around her, not talk about the fact that she is dying. She wonders if her daughters will remember her as they grow up, will other people forget about her. I asked her, "can I tell you how I feel about you dying?" She said, "Sure."

I wanted to let all my emotion out, but I did not want her to feel like she had to support me. I had to stop and gather my thoughts. Kim said "Go ahead...I am listening."

I said through a shaky voice, "I don't understand why you have to go and I have to stay. Why do I get to stay and raise my babies and you don't? It pisses me off....it is not fair."

K: "Cancer isn't fair."
Me: "I know it isn't. And I could get in my car, drive home, and a drunk driver could slam into me and I am gone. No one knows when there time is up."
K: "Very true."
Me: "I am sad that you are leaving, but honestly...I am happy for you that you won't be in pain anymore and have to deal with this. You will be in heaven."
K: "Yes...I will see my dad, my Grandpa...they say that you are your ideal self when you get to heaven...perfect health." She lingered on that thought for a brief moment.

We talked for almost two hours about life, death, not having enough time in this life, struggles she has with her daughters and her dying. One thing that left me reeling is that someone has actually said to her that "Other people have it worse." HOW MUCH WORSE DOES IT GET?? SERIOUSLY??

I could tell she was rather tired, but we kept finding new things to talk about.
I asked if there was anything she needed or wanted. She said, "I don't need anything. I am dying. Besides, anything I get is just one more thing my mom has to give away once I die. I can't do that to her. I have already written out a will for things I have left and who gets what. My mom knows she can throw out my robe with cigarette burns in it." She laughed a little. It never dawned on me to think of this. I said, "Well, if there is anything you can think of at all, please let me know. Even if it something as simple as slippers." She smiled.

Finally, I said, "You need to get some sleep, my dear." We said our goodbyes, I told her "I love you," and headed out for the night.

I am sure we will get together again...I just have to remember to breathe.

A Pair of Slippers

Tomorrow will be a tremendous day for me. I am going by Kim (my friend dying of cancer--I am not sure if I ever mentioned her name before). I am not sure if this will be the last time I see her or not. She is no longer able to go out of the house. Her feet are swollen to the point that she can not wear shoes anymore, and the physical effort it takes for her to go out into the world is too much. I am only guessing, but I suspect this is a sign of her heart failing.

I have a lady lined up to give her a manicure and pedicure. I will owe this woman a tremendous thank you. Kim told me she really wants a new pair of slippers but can not get out to buy them. I told her I would be happy to stop and get her a pair. Too bad I can't find some pretend rubies to sew on! Then she could have ruby slippers!

The one thing that always makes me nervous about visits with Kim is that I have no idea what to say. Our visits seem to take on their own flow so I assume this one will as well. The apparent physical decline is always astonishing. Cancer shows no mercy when ravaging the body. It can be hard for me to keep my reaction hidden, even as a nurse who has seen many, many sick people. This is not the hardest part...not even close. It comes when I leave...what in the world do I say??

When I was a nurse on a cardiology floor, we had what we called frequent flyer patients. Some of them I grew very close to over the years. One time, a patient of mine was leaving for a hospice facility...she would never return. Not knowing what I should say, I said the only thing that came to my mind, "Could you put in a good word for me with the Big Guy upstairs?" She smiled and said, "Absolutely." This situation is obviously a little different. I know that I want to tell her that I love her, will miss her, and will never forget her. I do not think I will be able to say that out without falling apart...I can not do that to her. The last thing she needs is to emotionally support me. Maybe I will write her a short letter to read.

I am sure that the visit will be over all to quickly for me. I keep trying to remind myself that what time she has left is all about her. I cannot make it about me. There will be plenty of time for me to grieve after she is gone. Now, she needs to be the focus of attention. Hopefully my effors to address those needs provides her with some level of enjoyment.

30 days

This is the amount of time my friend has left in this world based on her symptoms and increase in pain. She is now on a morphine pump. The oral medications just were not covering her pain anymore. Just to put this into perspective, when I was a nurse on the cardiac floor, I could usually give a patient with chest pain 1-2mg morphine every 2-4 hours as needed. I almost never gave it more than once. My friend was taking 120mg of morphine orally, twice daily with oxycotin 80mg immediate release as needed. That amount of narcotics could kill a horse...no joke. And it doesn't even address her pain adequately anymore. The amount of narcotics she needs to not feel pain, or at least be comfortable, may kill her if the cancer doesn't first. It is just a race now to see which one will take her first.

Mercy...I have been thinking about that word for days. What does it mean in my friend's situation? Is her God given mercy death? I have no doubt that God will take her into heaven...free from a cancer ridden body that would never be able to defeat its enemy. That must be the mercy he will show her.

We were supposed to go the spa next Saturday to get manicures and pedicures together. She is not able to go anymore, so I found someone to go to her. If there is anything on this earth that I can do for her, I am going to do it. I can't help but feel cheated again out of time with my friend. She didn't get to meet my boys, and we don't get to spend those hours together just being girls. No one has to tell me...I know I am being selfish again. And yet, I can't help but feel what I do.

I find myself asking so many questions...why does she have to go? why do I have to stay? Why do I get to stay and raise my children and she does not? Why do her children have to grow up without their mother? I hope that some day this will all become clear to me.

I want to go outside and scream at God...release an emotional overload onto Him..let him carry my pain. I am reminded of the saying Footprints. God, will you carry me through this? I am just not strong enough. My sadness feels like it is suffocating my heart...it makes it hard to breathe, my chest hurts, and my eyes burn from crying.

One More Time

In my recent conversations with K. she has said to me that she wonders if she will see summer again...see a flower bloom...all of the things we seem to take for granted. All of the things that we just 'know' are going to come.

I suppose the truth is that none of us know if we will be able to do many things one more time before our time here is up. It makes me want to try and enjoy those precious, simple moments as much as I can. We recently had a freezing rain storm that coated the branches of the trees in ice. When the sun set, it looked like the trees were coated in glass. It was stunning...it almost looked like white fire. I had just been complaining about how much I wish winter was over. I am glad that I didn't miss this unexpected scene of frigid beauty. I ran outside with my camera when I got home to try to document this rare sight. When I came inside to review my work, I was slightly disappointed. It is so hard to capture nature's beauty on film and do it justice.

It does not make me sad to think that she might not do or see some things again. I believe she is going to a place that far suprasses any beauty here. The moments like the one I experienced the other day, I hope, might be a glimpse of what she will see when she gets to heaven, except maybe not as cold :)

The Give and Take of it All

I don't think there is a day that goes by that I do not think about my friend. Sometimes I have to stop thinking about her because I get too upset. The question that burns in my mind the most is this: will I ever be able to see her again, talk to her again? Will God take her quietly in the night? Or will there be time....nothing but time..??

I was thrilled when she said she wanted me and my two boys to come over this past weekend. I had everything planned: baths, naptimes, meals, etc. so that there would be minimal 'issues' during our visit. I had just gotten both boys down for naps and was about to start getting myself and all the essentials ready to go. My phone chimed telling me I had a text message. She had to cancel our visit.

I was devastated. I understood her reasoning completely and I was not upset with her at all. I know time is precious, and the times that she feels up to having visitiors is minimal. I felt cheated...and I know that is 100% selfish and I am mad at myself for that too. It isn't about me.....yet I can't help but want to be with her when I can.

I swallowed my disappointment as best as I could. I told her to keep me posted on how she is doing and the I am here for her.

I went on with my week....another very long time friend of mine wanted to stop by my house. She and I have known each other since 6th grade. I was very happy to see her. She said she thought she might be pregnant. She and her husband had decided to see if God had it in His plans for them to be parents. Well....of course I had a pregnancy test left over from when my husband and I were in the same situation.

So she took the test. Low and behold...it seemed the test was a dud. Huge bummer either way. I decided to sneak back in one more time...OH MY GOSH!! Here I am...one of my best friends is here and she is pregnant...and I get to share in this moment with her! Absolutely amazing!

Celebratory hugs all around of course!

After she left, I thought of my other dear friend who is losing her life...while one of my other friends has a new life growing inside of her. I realized...this is it. This is what life is all about...the give of life and the take of death. It is impossible for one to exist without the other. It is such a beautiful thing really...how would we appreciate the life being given if we knew it would never go away? The answer seems rather clear to me.

Hard Choices

One of the things my friend told me about that is hard for her is that she will be meeting with hospice services to discuss and plan for her death. I can not imagine having to make those decisions. It makes me wonder if knowing you are going to die has any positive side in the long run.

She knows she is leaving her girls behind. She says, "I don't want to leave my angels." I said, "now you get to be their angel. "Being a mama myself, I imagine if I was in her shoes how that would make me feel. Of course, I can ONLY imagine it. She is living it. I was sitting at the dinner table looking into the big blue eyes of my children and my heart just ached. I could NOT imagine leaving them for anything. Being a mama is my reason for living and breathing, but if my ability to live and breathe was slowly slipping away.....

She hopes they remember her after she is gone and time has passed. I said, "they will never forget how much you loved them and when they get older and are able to understand what you are going through, they will know how hard you fought to stay. And one day, when they have their own babies, they will know the love you had for them." Again, I tried to put myself in her shoes and my heart just breaks. My oldest son is 3 years old...he might remember me. My youngest is just over a year....I doubt he would remember me.

It is so hard to find the right words to say to her. Most of the time I just listen. I hope that's enough.....comforting some how. Everytime I leave her, I wonder if I will see her again with any measure of life in her body. In a way, I can't wait for her to be free of pain, heart ache, cancer, but at the same time I want her to stay and fight.

It just isn't fair.

How It Went...

So we had breakfast this morning. I picked it up from the restaurant and brought it to her. My treat :) She apologized for not wanting to go out. I told her I was greatful to be able to spend time with her no matter where it is. I ate my breakfast quickly....because I was nervous at first. I needed to just let the visit take its own flow.

It shocked me a little how much she changed from just a short time ago. Her eyes seemed a little more sunken in, skin a little more pale; her eyebrows were starting to grow back a little. She told me she would really like her eye lashes to grow back before she leaves because her daughters ask her for butterfly kisses. The physical toll fighting this disease is rather apparent. To me, she is beautiful. All the strength and desire to live and fight this horrid disease is still there....and yet it is not enough.

We talked about the normal day to day stuff along with the obvious. She showed me a small book that her daughters and their dad made. It was pictures and stories about what they will remember about their mom. It was hard to read through the tears. She also showed me the girls Valentine's Day gifts: story books that recorded her voice as she read them. What a beautiful way for them to hear their mother's voice whenever they want.

She has also written letters to be given to them by their father at certain points in their lives: the day she dies, when they get married, when they have kids, etc. I can not imagine having to do something like that along with fighting for your life. She filled out "About Me" type books for them to read. She told me that her counselor said, "everyone grieves for losing you, but you grieve for losing everyone else." She is mourning the fact that she won't be here for so many events in her daughters' lives. I can not even wrap my mind around that.

We talked about her decision to stop treatment. Coming to peace with that is not going to be easy for her. I wish there was something I could say. I told her that just because there is a treatment that *might* work, doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to it. There is a point when it is ok to say enough is enough. When it comes to leaving your children behind, I don't think there is anything that can be said about it to make it ok....Some time in the next two weeks, a hospice service worker will be out to discuss with her what they can offer to help keep her comfortable. She doesn't want to die in her mother's home. She will go to a hospice facility when the time comes. She already knows where she wants to go. She was able to take a tour, meet the staff....her oldest daughter who is only 8 years old wants to be there when she dies.

The visit wasn't all crying and wiping noses. In fact, she would give me a hard time about being sad saying, "I am not dying tomorrow!" It was hard to contain my grief, but that is not her burden to bare. We drank coffee and rambled through more day to day type conversation. She told me tomorrow she is quiting smoking....normally I would have said "good for you!" But it struck me as odd given everything else she has to deal with. I guess even dying people want to be as normal as possible to the very end.

I could tell she was getting tired and wanted to take a nap before her daughters returned home. I gave her a hug and hopefully we will be able to spend another visit together before she leaves this world.