One of the things my friend told me about that is hard for her is that she will be meeting with hospice services to discuss and plan for her death. I can not imagine having to make those decisions. It makes me wonder if knowing you are going to die has any positive side in the long run.
She knows she is leaving her girls behind. She says, "I don't want to leave my angels." I said, "now you get to be their angel. "Being a mama myself, I imagine if I was in her shoes how that would make me feel. Of course, I can ONLY imagine it. She is living it. I was sitting at the dinner table looking into the big blue eyes of my children and my heart just ached. I could NOT imagine leaving them for anything. Being a mama is my reason for living and breathing, but if my ability to live and breathe was slowly slipping away.....
She hopes they remember her after she is gone and time has passed. I said, "they will never forget how much you loved them and when they get older and are able to understand what you are going through, they will know how hard you fought to stay. And one day, when they have their own babies, they will know the love you had for them." Again, I tried to put myself in her shoes and my heart just breaks. My oldest son is 3 years old...he might remember me. My youngest is just over a year....I doubt he would remember me.
It is so hard to find the right words to say to her. Most of the time I just listen. I hope that's enough.....comforting some how. Everytime I leave her, I wonder if I will see her again with any measure of life in her body. In a way, I can't wait for her to be free of pain, heart ache, cancer, but at the same time I want her to stay and fight.
It just isn't fair.
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