Sam

For a little over a year now I have posted about Kim. I developed a small following of people who read what I write. I appreciate that. It is extremely helpful to me to be able to get it all out. Maybe you will join me on this next journey with someone I will call Sam.

I have known Sam for a long time. We have been close since we were little. I have maintained contact with him over the years. It just so happened that we were both online the other night and he said he wanted to know if I could talk. I knew immediately something had happened. I had no idea what.

It was time to be getting the kids ready for bed, but I told my husband I needed to make a phone call. He said that was fine. I dialed Sam's number quickly. He answered immediately. I asked him, 'So what's up?' The line was quite. I thought maybe I had accidentally hung up on him. I had no idea what he was going to say.

He began to ask me if I remembered certain people while growing up. I said yes. He then told me that someone in our past was responsible for sexually assaulting him as a young teenager.

I was devastated. Absolutely devastated.

Tons of emotions that had long since been sleeping erupted from me. I kept them in check as I knew this would not help Sam. He said he I was the fourth person he told and he wanted to tell me because he knew I had been through a similar situation. I was grateful he told me. Dealing with the emotional weight of something like this alone is impossible. Period.

"Sam...it was NOT your fault. In no way shape or form. I am here for you...anytime you need me. If it's 2am, call. I don't care. If you need me, you call." He tried interrupting a couple of times and I cut him short telling him I just wanted him to hear what I was saying.

We talked for almost two hours...about how he is angry. He knows it isn't his fault. He is struggling with the anger. Lots of it. He is going to go to counseling and for that I am grateful. He even found one that specializes in helping victims of sexual assault. I pray this is something that will benefit him and that he connects with the therapist right away. Anyone who has had to deal with this type of event in their own life knows that trust is not a given and lost rather easily.

As much as I am wanting and willing to be there for Sam, it does bring up my own personal history and stirs up emotions. I remember when I tried to think about what I wanted to do for a living and so many people said I should be on a crisis team for victims of sexual assault. No way. Couldn't do it. To live that every day would be impossible for me on so many levels.

We ended our phone call and I know he will be ok. There is no doubt he is on a long journey and I hope I can be the kind of friend he needs along the way.

Till next time.....

Still

It has been two weeks now since Kim passed away. I still have her number in my cell phone. I still have some emails she sent me. I still have some text messages on my phone. I also still have the two dollars she gave me for the ice cream cone on her birthday..even some of the receipts from going to get her black cherry smoothies. I don't know why I still have them and I don't know when I will be ok with letting them go.

I did open the letter she wrote to me. She said she was proud of me for the person I have become, in particular, a mama. She could tell I love my boys and that it has brought out the best in me. Such an amazing compliment from someone who had known me so long.

I remember before she died I told her to visit me in my dreams. Maybe it is just me imagining or creating her memory, but I have seen her in my dreams a few times. It is comforting. She is healthy, talking and looking like she did before cancer, but most of all...happy.

I am glad I decided to memorialize her life and what she taught me on my own body. A tattoo that is so much more than just a tattoo. It symbolizes friendship (with all of those I love), faith, embracing change, sorrow, life, truth, trust, and hope. I always want to be reminded of these things. I am so grateful that she was able to see it before she passed.

Life goes on....but it does not mean I will forget her. I can not wait to see her in heaven.

See You Later

I got up this morning and thought, 'this is going to be a hell of a long day.'  I got ready for work, and it was far busier than normal for a Wednesday.  I was grateful. 

The thing that surprised me was that even when I allowed my thoughts to go to the fact that Kim's funeral was today, I didn't feel the need to cry.  I actually felt relief....that her suffering and pain was over...that she is in heaven.  I could have almost smiled.  I know that may sound so very wrong, but watching her suffer and knowing that she is finally free from a body that betrayed her is cause for a smile. 

The closer it came to the end of my work day, the more anxious I was getting and the more I just wanted to leave.  Finally, by 5pm, I grabbed my purse and coffee mug and headed out the door.  Not a single cloud in this immense blue sky above me and the sun was so bright.  The temperature was a bit warmer than normal.

Beautiful day to honor a beautiful friend.  I bet you she had something to do with it.

When I arrived home, my husband and kids were eating sub sandwiches.  Mine was wrapped up on the counter.  I told my husband that I would eat later.  The thought of having to sit still and actually eat was not possible.  I busied myself with getting ready far more than was necessary.  Soon enough it was time to leave.

My husband and I rode in the car to the funeral home making small talk.  I still did not feel the urge to cry, but it was not far off.  I could tell.

We pulled into the parking lot and a thought crossed my mind.  Several months ago Kim told me I would get a letter after she died.  I had no idea how or when I would get it.  I supposed tonight would be as likely as any to get it.  Then again, her family is going to busy with so many other things.  I began to think...should I give them my address??  Her older brother has my phone number.  What to do...?

I got out of the car and my husband held my hand as we walked in.  As soon as we walked through the entrance and turned to the right, there were Kim's daughters.  The were clamoring onto their Dad.  He quickly ushered them out the door we had just come in.  The tears welled up in my eyes and a few escaped.  I walked up to the guest book and signed it, then made an offering for her funeral expenses.  I remember her mom saying she would have to take out a loan to pay for the expenses.  How cruel....every month for however long making a payment knowing it was to bury one of your children.  I wish I had the money to pay for the entire thing. I would give it to the funeral home and not even let them tell her where the money came from.  Some things in this world are just NOT right.

I moved on to the picture boards.  They told about her life...daughter, mother, friend. I had to laugh at a few.  Then, on the last board, one picture jumped out at me.  It was Kim dancing with her dad on her wedding day.  They were both smiling at eachother and the bond they shared was obvious.  I thought, Kim...you are dancing in heaven with your dad, aren't you.'  I smiled and cried. 

We made it down to her mom and two brothers.  I shook both of the boys hands and gave her mom a hug.  She looked exhausted and numb.  I introduced my husband and we offered condolences.  Her younger brother looked at me and said, 'I have a letter for you, but I am pretty sure you knew that.'  My heart lept.  'I can get it for you now if you like,' he said.  'No no.  That's fine.  I can wait.  Whenever it is convenient for you.'  I wanted to say more, but there was a long line of people behind us.  I walked past a few gorgeous flower arrangements...lilies of all kinds which were her favorite. 

Then there was Kim.  Resting peacefully.  It always strikes me how anyone so full of life can suddenly be so still.  Her nails still perfectly manicured.  She had on a purple sweater and black pants.  I know she had picked those out.  Hot salty tears were plentiful now.

I did not have anything I felt I needed to say.  I had said that on Friday.  My only thought was, 'See you later.'  I do not believe in goodbyes.  I know I will see her later.  My faith has taught me that.

We walked to the back and I sat down.  I watched people continue to arrive and pay their respects.  I did not feel like talking.  I sat quietly and waited for the service to begin. My husband, Jason, held my hand and sat quietly.  The staff members of the funeral home handed out the programs for the service.  On the cover the words 'Faith, Hope, Love' were printed.  I looked down at my purse, the same words scrawled across the sides.  I held the program in my hand and couldn't open it.  Suffice it to say that the rest of the service I had periods where I could not fight the tears but did manage to maintain composure.

I finally opened the program and the first song was one of my absolute favorites.  I knew there was no way I could sing that song.  I closed the program and tried to catch my breath.  Slow deep breaths. 

The pastor began the service and I listened to all the readings and such.  He then started talking about the time he spent with Kim and her faith.  He said he went to see her on her birthday.  Her room was decorated with cards, balloons, flowers, etc and was fit for a party.  There was only one thing missing....Kim!  I had to chuckle a little.  I was the one that had taken her out that day.  No one else had.  Here I am at one of my best friends funerals and I find out this!  I smiled.

The service finished and we were told that we would pass by Kim before we left the service.  Another wave of tears came over me.  Jason took my hand and we got into line.  One more time we walked by the picture boards.  I looked at the wedding picture again where she was dancing with her dad and smiled.  We got to Kim, I said in my heart, 'I love you...and I will see you later.' 

We walked into the foyer area and there was Drew, her ex husband, but very close friend.  I gave him a hug and asked how the girls were doing.  He said that they were actually doing okay.  They had private family time prior to friends and such being allowed to come.  They stayed for a short while and then were taken home.  I said to him, 'If you ever need anything for the girls, please let me know.  A lot of people may say that, but truly, anything at all..don't hesitate to let me know.'  He thanked Jason and me.

We then walked out of the foyer over to where they were serving refreshments.  I looked for her younger brother and he was talking with a small group of people. I told Jason that I wanted to get the letter and then we could head out.  We stood close by and a few minutes later, I saw him pull out a handful of envelopes.  He handed them to some of the people standing around him.  He saw me and began fingering through them.  He then pulled out one with my name on it.  Again, I had to chuckle.  She couldn't seem to remember what my married name was so she always called me by my maiden name. I had teased her about that a couple of times good heartedly. And I suppose to be fair, I could never say her married name right either. On the envelope she had tried to spell my married name, but put my maiden name in parentheses too.  My phone number was below my name. 

I gave him a hug and told him to keep in touch.  I then said goodbye.  As I was leaving I saw her older brother.  This time, he gave me a hug.  I asked him to keep in touch too.  Without Kim, I suppose there isn't much reason to talk, but I so adore her family.  I hope on some level we can keep in contact.

I was still holding the letter like a piece of fine China.  We got to the truck and I put it on my lap.  I said to Jason, 'I can't read this tonight.  Not yet.'  I slipped it into my purse.  I do not know when I will read it.  I only know that it is not right now.  Some day......

Home

I knew I was going to see Kim again.  I decided on Friday that I would go after work.  Knowing this early in the day made me want to be at work less and less.  I made it through the day and headed home. 

I tried to prepare myself for the worst...her not recognizing me.  I changed clothes and jumped in the car.  The drive there went too fast and yet it took forever.  I was trying to come up with something to say that would allow me to bow out of the room without upsetting her or letting her see that I was upset if need be.  Nothing good came to mind.

I walked into the building and signed in on the guest board like I had done so many times. 

4:55pm

The nurse sitting at the desk smiled at me.  I had seen her many times before when I came to visit.  I asked her "How is she doing today?"

She did not sugar coat it one bit.  "She is unresponsive.  We think she is in her last 72 hours."

It hit me like a stun gun.  I did not even have time to think about crying...the tears started flowing.  I quickly grabbed some tissues and turned to walk to her room.  No worries about her remembering me anymore.  She wouldn't even be able to acknowledge me.  I almost felt like I was suffocating.  It's not like I didn't know this day would come.  I just didn't know it would be today.  You always think you have one more day, one more hour, one more moment......

I rounded the corner...walking down the hall to her room....last one on the right.  Room 8.  I was wiping away the tears as I walked.  I got to her door and kept walking.  I knew if I stopped,  I would never keep going. 

I entered quietly.  I saw the vases of flowers from her birthday still full of color and life.   Then I saw Kim...barely hanging on.  She was curled up in a semi fetal position...eyes almost all the way closed.  Her breathing was shallow and quick.  I pulled a chair next to her bed and held her hand.

It was warm, tiny, and I could feel her pulse.  Nails still perfect.  Her pajams barely hung on to what was left of her now tiny frame.  I said her name and she didn't respond.  I cried...for awhile.  Held her hand....and cried some more.  I was grateful to be alone with her.  I knew this would be the last time I would hold her hand. 

"I love you Kim.  I will never forget you. It's ok....you can let go now.  You made it through the girls' birthdays.  You can go now."  I cried....and cried.

Someone walked into the room.  I didn't recognize her.

'Oh my gosh. I am sorry.' She said.
'No, No! It's fine.  I am just visiting.'  I said.

Kim's exhusband, Drew, walked in behind her.  He said hello.  'Did you want to be alone?' He asked.
'No...it's fine.' I replied.  I stood up from the chair to let one of them sit.

The girl told me that Kim was talking the night before.  I asked if the girls had been up to see Kim.  Drew said that he was not letting them come up anymore.  I decided to go for a walk. I called my mom and told her what was happening.  She knew Kim from when we were friends in highschool.  She cried too.  I hung up the phone and waited a bit.  I then turned and walked back in.  The girl that had come in earlier was leaving.  Drew was sitting and holidng Kim's hand.

He looked up at me, 'I can move if you want me too.'
'No....that's fine.' I said the word 'fine' several times....but nothing was.  Everything was wrong.  I started to cry.  I told him I should get going. 

'Do you need a minute alone?' he asked.
I couldn't answer right away. I felt selfish for asking for any of these last hours. 'If you wouldn't mind.'
'Absolutely.'  He stood up, touched my shoulder and walked out closing the door behind him. 

I sat down again and held her hand.  I tried catching my breath and to steady my voice.  They say that the last of the senses to go is hearing.  I wanted her to hear me... "You will have your angel wings soon and I know they will be beautiful.  I will miss you.  You will be with your dad soon.  I am sure he is waiting. I love you Kim.'  She moaned a little bit.  I like to think she may have been trying to say something.  I stroked her cheek, gave her a kiss. 

'I love you Kim.' I turned and left.  I opened the door, Drew again touched my shoulder in comfort.  The huge lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything so I nodded and kept walking.  I made it to the front desk where the nurse looked at me with a knowing glance and wrote down my sign out time.

5:55pm

I got in my car and went home knowing this was the last time I would drive down that winding road away from the hospice home. 

When I returned back home, my boys were waiting for me...oblivious to what had happened.  I carried on with my normal mom duties and tried to hide my sorrow.  I sent a text message to Kim's brother and asked if he would let me know when she passed.  He said he would.

I woke up the next morning and started making breakfast.  It was about 9:30am.  I wondered when the call or text message would come. 

It came about an hour and fifteen minutes later.  Her brother sent me a text message and shortly after Drew called me.  He was letting me know that she had passed.  I told him to please let me know if there was anything at all that I could do.  He said he would.  'The next conversation is going to be the hard one.  I have to tell the girls.'  I couldn't speak.  I looked at my boys sitting and eating the last of their breakfast.  I mumbled something, I can't remember what, and then said 'Thanks Drew.  Take care.' and I hung up the phone.

Approximately 10:45am on Saturday October 1st Kim finally got her wings and she flew home.  Away from pain, agony, sadness, and loss.  As happy as I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, I am still sad that she is not here anymore to share in this journey we call life.

I have no doubt at all that I will see her again.  I hope that she is one of the first people I see in heaven.  I hope she keeps an eye on me down here and gently guides me in the right direction. 

Her funeral services are Wednesday.