Serendipity

Posting about this experience is getting harder and harder for me.

I wanted to help Kim finish her book for her girls. It took a total of three sessions. The first two went pretty good. I managed to keep my emotions in check and we were able to finish each of the first to sections in about an hour and a half each. The first time I helped her, she told me I could look back and read what else she wrote for the girls. In one spot, she talked about her favorite childhood books. One of them was called 'Serendipity'. She said that she could not find the book and had long since lost her copy years ago. I immediately got on the computer and found a copy. Ordered it right away and had it sent directly to her. She was extremely grateful to know that a copy of this book that she loved as a child was going to make it to her again.

I was at least slightly disappointed that it could take up to 2 1/2 weeks to get. I hoped and prayed that it would get there much sooner. About a week after we ordered it, I got an email from the seller saying that it was not in the stated condition on the web site and he asked if I still wanted it. I emailed back and said yes and could you please send it quickly as it is for a dying friend. I did not hear back.

So this past week I was texting with Kim asking her if she got it yet. The answer was always no. I was hugely disappointed. I really wanted this for her. She is video recording herself reading her favorite childhood stories for her daughters. This is one that she had not done yet...the last one.

I was also texting her because we had one more section to get done in her book. I kept trying to get ahold of her, and she was not answering. On Monday, I asked her if Wednesday would work. No answer. I texted her on Wednesday again asking if that night would work. Again, No answer. Thursday came.....again...no responses from my texts. Finally, Friday night, I heard back from her. She had not gotten the book yet. I quickly asked if Saturday would work for me to come over. She said yes so we set a time.

My husband, who has been more than understanding of my need to go and spend time with her, was again gracious enough to not mind one bit that I was going by her. It being our wedding anniversary, I was even more grateful. Some might think I should have been with my husband. If I were to admit the complete truth, I would not have been able to enjoy myself at all if I knew I had the opportunity to help Kim finish the book, and didn't. I also know that I have many more days with my husband than I do my friend. There are many more opportunities to celebrate.

I got to Kim's house and went inside. She was standing in the kitchen and said she had to go outside for a minute. We walked out on to the deck for a minute so she could talk to her mom. We then went back inside. It was so obvious to me that she is declining. She sat down slowly in her recliner and got situated. I of course offered to help, but she said 'no, I want to do it myself.' As she got comfy, she kicked off her slippers. Her ankles no longer exist due to swelling. She told me that she is going to a hospice facility in the next week or two. Her pain is increasing quickly and her pain medications have been turned up three times in the last few days. Her two brothers were going to look at a hospice facility as the one she originally wanted does not currently have any openings.

I tried so hard to hold back tears. She could tell. She said, 'Jaime, it's ok to cry. I don't mind.' I cried for a few minutes and then got the book. I asked her if she was ready to finish and she said 'Yep.' I began to ask her a question. When I looked up from the page, she was sleeping in the chair. I waited a few moments and she opened her eyes again. I carefully wrote down the words she was saying with the purple pen she wanted all her answers written with.

After about two questions, her mom walked into the room with mail. Her mom handed her a white plastic covered envelope. It was the book! She couldn't open the envelope, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and carefully opened it. Inside was her book. I gave it to her immediately. She flipped through the pages and glanced at the pictures. She told me I would have to read it when I was done crying. She told me that tomorrow night her daughters are coming and she will record the last book on video...serendipity. My heart just about burst out of my chest.

We continued with the book. It was so hard to watch her nod off for minutes at a time. Her body is giving in to the cancer. After about an hour, we finished the book. When I told her we were done, she smiled. She thanked me for helping her finish it. I told her that I was more than happy to have helped.

We went into the kitchen where she had a cigarette. I honestly don't know how many puffs she had off of it because she could not stay awake. Again, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. She said to me, 'you can talk to me. I don't mind. You can open up to me.' My reply was, 'I don't want you feeling like you have to support me. That's the last thing you need.' She said 'maybe I want to be.'

I told her, 'I am angry. It is so unfair that you have to go through this. I am sad because I am losing one of my best friends. You can't be replaced.' She said to me, 'Life isn't fair, hon.' She told me that when she sleeps now, she sees her dad. He passed a few years ago. She said the she talks, and he listens. He is wearing the outfit he was buried in. She also feels her since passed cat brushing up against the back of her legs. When she turns to see her, she is gone. It is so immensely sad and yet reassuring that she is having these experiences....that she won't be alone when she dies. She said she thinks her time is soon.

I asked her, 'so are you going to haunt me?' She laughed. It was nice to hear. She said she didn't know if she was going to visit the people she likes or haunt all of the people she doesn't like. We both chuckled. I read the childhood book she so loved while she sat in the kitchen chair...her eyes closed most of the time.

She was so obviously tired and I asked her if she wanted to go and lay down. She apologized that our visit was on the shorter side. Again, I began to cry. I said, ' You do not owe me any type of apology.' She said she did want to go and lay down. I walked with her to the couch where she wanted to lay. I asked her for a hug before she laid down. With tears in my eyes, she said, 'It's ok Jaime.' I said, 'I love you.' Her reply, 'I love you too.'

I got to my car and broke down. I had extra tissues, thankfully. I had slipped her brother a note before he left with my name and phone number and asked that he call or text me with updates on Kim...when and where she goes to hospice. I anticipate that this will be the next contact I get on my phone regarding Kim.

You Can't Take That Away

I was going about my normal day when I thought, I should see if Kim wants Kris to come and do her nails again. I sent off a message and got a response much quicker than I am used to getting. She said she would love it if she could come again. She then said she had to tell me something and ask a favor. I of course said absolutely.

She told me that she is no longer able to write. Her hands are too weak to hold the pen anymore. Kim is devastated. She has not finished everything she wants to write yet. I knew what the favor was going to be before she even said it. I immediately said I would love to help her finish whatever it is she needs done. She said she hasn't finished the book about herself yet that will go to her daughters.

I didn't even have to think about it....she didn't even have to ask if I would do it. I will not let cancer take away her ability to tell her daughters whatever it is she needs to say. I will not let it leave something Kim wants done incomplete.

My thoughts shifted to wether or not my handwriting will look nice enough...maybe I should practice writing what she wants me to write before I actually put it in the book. I don't want to make spelling mistakes or have scratch outs. I know I can't write like her, so her daughters will know someone else wrote in it for their mom.

It is such an honor to be able to do this for her. Honestly, it will probably be one of the most important things I do in my life. I need to do this, and do it right.

Lady Bug

I saw Kim last just over a week ago. It was a shorter visit, but it was jam packed! I had exchanged the pajamas I bought her for the correct size and even found her a pair she liked better than the ones I bought previously. I helped her to buy a new robe online as she had never really shopped online before, and it looked very pretty!! Finally, she got to meet my oldest son for the first time. It was hugely rewarding to me to be able to have her meet him. I told her ahead of time that he can be rather energetic, but he was VERY well behaved. She couldn't play with him, but she was asking him what sounds animals make and they were going back and forth meowing, barking, mooing, etc. It was so cute!

Her daughters were also there. I have only met them a couple of times. They were dancing and bouncing around the house in their dresses. They kept trying to play with my son, but he was way too shy....until they brought out the super hero toys :) Her oldest daughter drew my son a picture of a dinosaur and gave it to him....it was on the same green paper she had written the heartbreaking letter to her mom. I said to Kim, 'she is so articulate!' Kim said, 'yeah...now imagine her calling me a fucking bitch.' Stunning.....that's all I could think of at the moment. That little girl in her blue and white polka dot dress with a few little lady bugs sewn on could say something so vile.

The kids played and we were chatting. I asked her about her pain medications and how her dose was increased. She said that she would have to change the cartridge in her pump before the nurse came because otherwise she would run out. I said, 'well, why don't you do it right now and if you need help, I can help.' I got her bag of supplies and she began the process. Her hands shook slightly the entire time. I wanted to jump in and do it for her, but I didn't want to insult her either. I was in front of the rocking chair she was sitting on ready to help. She was able to do most of it. The things she couldn't do required a strong grip--something she is losing the ability to do. I helped her click the cartridge back in place and lock it, change the batteries, and change the tubing. After cleaning up and putting those supplies away, I snipped all the tags off of her new pj's and got the ready to be washed.

She had also asked me to bring her some water bottles like the ones I usually bring because they are easy for her to open. I brought two and filled one with apple juice as she requested.

She told me that she had been sitting on the ground painting the girls toe nails and it ended up causing her a great deal of pain. She was trying to hide it because she didn't want the girls to know. When she tells me these things, it saddens me immensely. I can't imagine having such basic, every day type activities resulting in so much pain.

I would have stayed longer, but I knew my son had to get some dinner. It was nearing 6:30pm and we had to get back home. I gave her a hug and told her 'I love you.' I asked her to let me know when she gets the robe and what she thinks of it. She said she would :)

For My Next Mission

I am a little late in blogging my most recent visit with Kim. At the end of last week, I asked her if we could get together again. Her text messages were coming much less frequently and she told me she could sleep entire days away. This is not a good sign. We used to be able to text message for at least a half an hour. Now, it can take an entire day to get one response. Panic, on my part, was starting to set in.

Of course I asked her if she needed anything. She told me that her robe has cigarette burns in it, and it is getting dingy. She said that it makes her feel ugly. I texted her and said, "one fluffy robe coming up!" I took to the internet as I usually do in these situations to minimize running around to multiple stores. I was having no luck at all with local stores--even the big chains. I thought that maybe if I walked around the stores, I might luck out. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.

I was saddened a little bit that I could not meet this simple request. I knew I could find them online, but time is of the essence in this situation. I walked around in the departments and realized that they had some very nice pajama sets on sale. I found 5 that I tought she might like and went to the check out. I knew that I was totally going out on a limb. She may not like what I picked out at all.

I got to her house and let myself in with a gentle knock, armed with a shopping bag. She said to me, "you know you can just come over. You don't have to bring stuff every time!". I said, "Kim, if this is what I can do for you, I want to do it." Truthfully, it goes against every fiber of my being to not try to fill a simple request of a dying friend. So I pass up getting a new purse this month...big deal! I don't want my friend sitting in her home, feeling ugly as she dies. That is beyond unacceptable to me.

I showed her what I bought and she loved them! I told her I could not find a robe as she had said she would like, but thought new pajamas might help. They were a smidge too small, so I will have to exchange them, but I certainly don't mind--that is tomorrow's visit.

With how tired she has been recently, I told my husband that I did not expect her to be up for too long of a visit. I got there at about 1:45pm. I hoped to make it until 3:00pm if at all possible. We started talking about the more mundane parts of life. But then she told me she wondered how much morphine she was on compared to a 'normal' person.

Going back to a comparison in a recent post, when I was a nurse on a cardiac floor, patients who came in for chest pain could get 1-2mg of morphine every 2-4 hours for chest pain. She is getting a continuous infusion that totals 360mg in 24 hours. Plus, she can get 15mg every 10 minutes if she needs it. No, that is not a typo. She is still experiencing pain, although, it is controlled for the most part. She asked me if there was a ceiling so to speak for the morphine where she won't be allowed anymore. I told her that in my experience, hospice patients can have as much medication as they need to contol pain. Eventually, the narcotics can supress the drive to breathe, hastening death. However, being conscious and in horrific pain is not an alternative either.

She told me she only has a few more letters to write to people. She was going through the list of names, and she says, "....I have yours done." I said, "mine?". I was frozen for a moment. I could feel my eyes fill up with tears, but I wouldn't let them loose. "Yes," she said, "for after I am gone." It was one of those moments in life where I was truely speechless. I didn't say anything and let her keep talking. Many of the things she wants to get done, she has gotten done. I think that gives her a sense of peace...I could see it on her face.

We eventually moved into the kitchen where she made herself a cup of tea. We sat at the kitchen table talking. She handed me two lime green sheets of paper with red handwriting. She told me to read them. I could tell it was a child's handwritting. I can not recall the exact words, but it was from one of her daughters saying that she doesn't want to come and spend time with Kim anymore because it makes her sad to see her sick. There were a bunch of scribbles at the bottom. This is where her daughter stopped and rewrote the letter on the second sheet of paper. Kim said these were left on the table for her to see in the morning.

How crushing.....and yet, on some level understandable. I told Kim that it must be devastating to read, but I asked if she could objectively see how this would be hard for her daughter. She said, yes I can. Kim used to split time with the girls 50/50 with her exhusband. Now, it is down to a day a week. Kim does not have the energy or physical capability to care for the girls the way she wants. The bad days are outweighing the good. The hardest thing for Kim to do is to stay awake. She is exhausted and dying.

It is so unfair the fact that she is dying...and now she has to read letters from one of her children about not coming to see her anymore because it makes her sad. It makes me angry. It makes buying something like pajamas seem so insignificant, but if I can brighten her days in any way...I am going to do it.

I ended up spending time with her until 5:00pm. Two hours beyond what I had thought she would be up for. She said it was a good day. I asked her if I could make one request. I asked if she could let me know when our last visit would be....when that time comes that she feels her time is near. She said yes. I know she may not know, but sometimes people do...I gave her a hug and told her I loved her before I left.

Friday morning she sent me a text message that her nurse turned up her morphine. It is now taking upwords of a day to get a message back from her.

I am sad :(