Serendipity

Posting about this experience is getting harder and harder for me.

I wanted to help Kim finish her book for her girls. It took a total of three sessions. The first two went pretty good. I managed to keep my emotions in check and we were able to finish each of the first to sections in about an hour and a half each. The first time I helped her, she told me I could look back and read what else she wrote for the girls. In one spot, she talked about her favorite childhood books. One of them was called 'Serendipity'. She said that she could not find the book and had long since lost her copy years ago. I immediately got on the computer and found a copy. Ordered it right away and had it sent directly to her. She was extremely grateful to know that a copy of this book that she loved as a child was going to make it to her again.

I was at least slightly disappointed that it could take up to 2 1/2 weeks to get. I hoped and prayed that it would get there much sooner. About a week after we ordered it, I got an email from the seller saying that it was not in the stated condition on the web site and he asked if I still wanted it. I emailed back and said yes and could you please send it quickly as it is for a dying friend. I did not hear back.

So this past week I was texting with Kim asking her if she got it yet. The answer was always no. I was hugely disappointed. I really wanted this for her. She is video recording herself reading her favorite childhood stories for her daughters. This is one that she had not done yet...the last one.

I was also texting her because we had one more section to get done in her book. I kept trying to get ahold of her, and she was not answering. On Monday, I asked her if Wednesday would work. No answer. I texted her on Wednesday again asking if that night would work. Again, No answer. Thursday came.....again...no responses from my texts. Finally, Friday night, I heard back from her. She had not gotten the book yet. I quickly asked if Saturday would work for me to come over. She said yes so we set a time.

My husband, who has been more than understanding of my need to go and spend time with her, was again gracious enough to not mind one bit that I was going by her. It being our wedding anniversary, I was even more grateful. Some might think I should have been with my husband. If I were to admit the complete truth, I would not have been able to enjoy myself at all if I knew I had the opportunity to help Kim finish the book, and didn't. I also know that I have many more days with my husband than I do my friend. There are many more opportunities to celebrate.

I got to Kim's house and went inside. She was standing in the kitchen and said she had to go outside for a minute. We walked out on to the deck for a minute so she could talk to her mom. We then went back inside. It was so obvious to me that she is declining. She sat down slowly in her recliner and got situated. I of course offered to help, but she said 'no, I want to do it myself.' As she got comfy, she kicked off her slippers. Her ankles no longer exist due to swelling. She told me that she is going to a hospice facility in the next week or two. Her pain is increasing quickly and her pain medications have been turned up three times in the last few days. Her two brothers were going to look at a hospice facility as the one she originally wanted does not currently have any openings.

I tried so hard to hold back tears. She could tell. She said, 'Jaime, it's ok to cry. I don't mind.' I cried for a few minutes and then got the book. I asked her if she was ready to finish and she said 'Yep.' I began to ask her a question. When I looked up from the page, she was sleeping in the chair. I waited a few moments and she opened her eyes again. I carefully wrote down the words she was saying with the purple pen she wanted all her answers written with.

After about two questions, her mom walked into the room with mail. Her mom handed her a white plastic covered envelope. It was the book! She couldn't open the envelope, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and carefully opened it. Inside was her book. I gave it to her immediately. She flipped through the pages and glanced at the pictures. She told me I would have to read it when I was done crying. She told me that tomorrow night her daughters are coming and she will record the last book on video...serendipity. My heart just about burst out of my chest.

We continued with the book. It was so hard to watch her nod off for minutes at a time. Her body is giving in to the cancer. After about an hour, we finished the book. When I told her we were done, she smiled. She thanked me for helping her finish it. I told her that I was more than happy to have helped.

We went into the kitchen where she had a cigarette. I honestly don't know how many puffs she had off of it because she could not stay awake. Again, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. She said to me, 'you can talk to me. I don't mind. You can open up to me.' My reply was, 'I don't want you feeling like you have to support me. That's the last thing you need.' She said 'maybe I want to be.'

I told her, 'I am angry. It is so unfair that you have to go through this. I am sad because I am losing one of my best friends. You can't be replaced.' She said to me, 'Life isn't fair, hon.' She told me that when she sleeps now, she sees her dad. He passed a few years ago. She said the she talks, and he listens. He is wearing the outfit he was buried in. She also feels her since passed cat brushing up against the back of her legs. When she turns to see her, she is gone. It is so immensely sad and yet reassuring that she is having these experiences....that she won't be alone when she dies. She said she thinks her time is soon.

I asked her, 'so are you going to haunt me?' She laughed. It was nice to hear. She said she didn't know if she was going to visit the people she likes or haunt all of the people she doesn't like. We both chuckled. I read the childhood book she so loved while she sat in the kitchen chair...her eyes closed most of the time.

She was so obviously tired and I asked her if she wanted to go and lay down. She apologized that our visit was on the shorter side. Again, I began to cry. I said, ' You do not owe me any type of apology.' She said she did want to go and lay down. I walked with her to the couch where she wanted to lay. I asked her for a hug before she laid down. With tears in my eyes, she said, 'It's ok Jaime.' I said, 'I love you.' Her reply, 'I love you too.'

I got to my car and broke down. I had extra tissues, thankfully. I had slipped her brother a note before he left with my name and phone number and asked that he call or text me with updates on Kim...when and where she goes to hospice. I anticipate that this will be the next contact I get on my phone regarding Kim.