A Pair of Slippers

Tomorrow will be a tremendous day for me. I am going by Kim (my friend dying of cancer--I am not sure if I ever mentioned her name before). I am not sure if this will be the last time I see her or not. She is no longer able to go out of the house. Her feet are swollen to the point that she can not wear shoes anymore, and the physical effort it takes for her to go out into the world is too much. I am only guessing, but I suspect this is a sign of her heart failing.

I have a lady lined up to give her a manicure and pedicure. I will owe this woman a tremendous thank you. Kim told me she really wants a new pair of slippers but can not get out to buy them. I told her I would be happy to stop and get her a pair. Too bad I can't find some pretend rubies to sew on! Then she could have ruby slippers!

The one thing that always makes me nervous about visits with Kim is that I have no idea what to say. Our visits seem to take on their own flow so I assume this one will as well. The apparent physical decline is always astonishing. Cancer shows no mercy when ravaging the body. It can be hard for me to keep my reaction hidden, even as a nurse who has seen many, many sick people. This is not the hardest part...not even close. It comes when I leave...what in the world do I say??

When I was a nurse on a cardiology floor, we had what we called frequent flyer patients. Some of them I grew very close to over the years. One time, a patient of mine was leaving for a hospice facility...she would never return. Not knowing what I should say, I said the only thing that came to my mind, "Could you put in a good word for me with the Big Guy upstairs?" She smiled and said, "Absolutely." This situation is obviously a little different. I know that I want to tell her that I love her, will miss her, and will never forget her. I do not think I will be able to say that out without falling apart...I can not do that to her. The last thing she needs is to emotionally support me. Maybe I will write her a short letter to read.

I am sure that the visit will be over all to quickly for me. I keep trying to remind myself that what time she has left is all about her. I cannot make it about me. There will be plenty of time for me to grieve after she is gone. Now, she needs to be the focus of attention. Hopefully my effors to address those needs provides her with some level of enjoyment.