Motherless Day

I apologize in advance for this somewhat scattered post......

It struck me on Saturday night like a ton of bricks.  I started to cry.  It is the girls first Mother's Day without Kim.  Her mom's first Mother's Day without her only daughter. 

It's one of those days where I ask, why do I get to be here and she does not? Why do two little girls not get to have their mother?  It makes me angry and tremendously sad. 

I hope that they do celebrate Kim.  Remember how she loves them, fought to stay here and be with them.  That she is still looking down on them, watching, caring for, and guiding them.

I did not go to church this weekend.  I do not think it is fair to be angry at God and go be among people who are praising Him.  I need to have a private discussion with God this day. 

I am trying to remember that God gave me two beautiful children and I need to celebrate my own motherhood experience and my gifts of two beautiful boys that are the reason I live and breathe. 

It is hard to be happy when there are still so many things I do not understand and the world seems out of balance.  I sent a text message to Kim's brother asking him to tell his mom I am thinking about her and the girls.  He says he will do that. 

Children just should not be without their mothers.  Period. 

My message to all moms: love your children endlessly and make sure they KNOW it...that they never doubt for one second you would do ANYTHING for them.  You never know when that last moment for you, or even them, may come.  And wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy as a mother?  To have your children doubt or question your absolute love for them...never will that happen with my boys or I have failed as a mother.