I can honestly say there is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder about Kim and how she is doing. It affects me everyday. When I get frustrated with the kids or my husband....I stop and think...at least one of us isn't dying so get over it!
One problem I have is I sometimes don't allow myself to feel 'normal.' I know I can't make her tragedy the basis for how I live my life, but I certainly want to learn and remember some basic life lessons. I can't not allow myself to be angry because it could be worse and I can't not allow myself to be happy because my friend is dying.
The other problem is this....I am not only a mom, but also a Nurse--a ridiculously bad combination. My youngest son has had a low grade fever over the past few days and where does my mind immediately jump?? Of course I think of Kim's fevers and how they are a symptom of the worsening cancer that will kill her. I know it is a far stretch to take a fever in an otherwise completely healthy child and think he has....I can't even type it. And yet, my Nurse knowledge, the sadness of Kim dying, and an unexplained symptom in my child takes me to very dark places. The thoughts sit at the edge of my mind and dart in like lightening bolts throughout my day. It's almost like the more I try to ignore or shove them down, the harder they fight to stay up in my consciousness.
The fever that Kim has vs. what my youngest son has is comparing apples to oranges. I know I can't assume that because my friend is sick that it will some how be my (or someone I love)turn next.
I have thought so much about my faith. I do not doubt there is a heaven and eternal life on the other side of this life. I have total faith in that, and yet I still can't not be sad. The part of my faith that is challenged is that there is some reason for all of this--my life, what is going on with Kim, etc. I am just not allowed to know yet what that is. Maybe if I knew, I could ease my sadness....know what to say to her children, mother, brother, etc. to ease their grief. I have to keep my faith strong that some day I will be privy to that knowledge...even though it will be one of the hardest things that I ever do.
you could never guess what is in store for Kim. Or what she is being saved from! Maybe she is being saved from something horrible that would of been impossible for her to live through. just a thought. Or maybe God needs her for something wonderful and she will be richly rewarded for the pain and suffering she is going through right now. What a wonderful thought to think that she is being taking from this world so that she can do something fantastic for God. like be your personal guardian angle or one for your children and will in turn save them from something horrible happening. I don't think that anyone would expect you to not be sad. I also think that nurse or not, knowing someone dying from cancer or not, it's easy to think the worst or worry about "silly" things when it comes to our own children. It's normal. We freak over things and then we reason them out and realize it's nothing serious.
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