Thursday Night

Thursday I left work a little anxious about the evening events to come. I dashed home, spent some time with my boys and husband, and then left for Kim's house. I had one stop to make....the department store. I walked in and found two pairs of cute slippers. One matched her robe perfectly and the other were super squishy. I could not decide between the two, so I bought both. I walked to my car and realized I was by one of her favorite little restaurants. I called her and asked if she would like anything. I went there and said, "One black cherry smoothie to go please" :) I snagged a cheese danish and some chocolate chip cookies too...just in case.

I hurried to where I would meet the lady who was to do the manicure and pedicure. Once we both got there, I explained that Kim has a dry sense of humor and is not a wilting flower so to speak about the fact that she is dying. She is realistic and faces it head on. I guess when you have been told for more than 18 months that you are dying the novelty of it kind of wears off.

She followed me to Kim's house and I had to consciously stop and take a deep breath. I grabbed all my goodies and we headed to the front door. I was actually surprised at how good Kim looked compared to the last time I saw her. Her eyebrows were growing back, as well as her eyelashes. I smiled. She can do butterfly kisses with her daughters again like she mentioned once before. She had about a half inch of hair grown back, but it was hiding underneath her hat. I noticed her black bag with clear tubing coming out and running up under the neck of her tshirt-her morphine pump constantly feeding her pain medication.

I showed her the slippers. She really liked the pair that matched her robe! The other ones were a hit too. I said, "Keep them both."

Kris set straight away to doing Kim's manicure and pedicure. I was rather impressed at all of the products and such that she brought with...even a foot bath! Excellent! I had told Kris before we got to Kim's house that I would gladly pay her money for her services. She said, "Absolutely not." I was delighted to see that all three of us were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. We talked about so many things it was hard to remember the specifics. I suppose it doesn't matter. The fact that we were all doing something rather normal, I suspect, was refreshing for Kim. In all, Kris spent just over two hours donating her services. Kim said, "I have never been a girly girl, but I have always loved getting my toes and nails done. It is the only part of my appearance that I even care about anymore." She explained that she has lost feeling and strength to some degree in her hands so she cannot cut her own fingernails anymore.

When Kris was done, Kim thanked her and gave her a hug. Kris offered to come back in two to three weeks to do it all again. Kim said she may be at her home, she may be at the hospice facility. Kris said, either place was fine. I think it is impossible to put a price on dignity, especially for someone who in the process of dying. This small offering of doing a manicure/pedicure is incredibly precious. I do not even know what would be a fair monetary compensation to Kris. I am so grateful for her kindness to my friend.

I helped Kris load up her car and gave her a hug, thanked her. I walked back into the house, again reminding myself to stop and breathe. I anticipated she would want to go to bed, which was fine...she looked awfully tired. To my surprise, she asked me if I wanted a cup of hot chocolate. "Regular or dark chocolate?" she asked. "Dark." I replied.

We began talking about the normal day to day stuff. She showed me her hospice supplies that the nurse left, her special air mattress, some of her wedding pictures, books she was reading. I don't remember how we got to talking about it, but she telling me about how she gets so tired of people acting like they have to be strong around her, not talk about the fact that she is dying. She wonders if her daughters will remember her as they grow up, will other people forget about her. I asked her, "can I tell you how I feel about you dying?" She said, "Sure."

I wanted to let all my emotion out, but I did not want her to feel like she had to support me. I had to stop and gather my thoughts. Kim said "Go ahead...I am listening."

I said through a shaky voice, "I don't understand why you have to go and I have to stay. Why do I get to stay and raise my babies and you don't? It pisses me off....it is not fair."

K: "Cancer isn't fair."
Me: "I know it isn't. And I could get in my car, drive home, and a drunk driver could slam into me and I am gone. No one knows when there time is up."
K: "Very true."
Me: "I am sad that you are leaving, but honestly...I am happy for you that you won't be in pain anymore and have to deal with this. You will be in heaven."
K: "Yes...I will see my dad, my Grandpa...they say that you are your ideal self when you get to heaven...perfect health." She lingered on that thought for a brief moment.

We talked for almost two hours about life, death, not having enough time in this life, struggles she has with her daughters and her dying. One thing that left me reeling is that someone has actually said to her that "Other people have it worse." HOW MUCH WORSE DOES IT GET?? SERIOUSLY??

I could tell she was rather tired, but we kept finding new things to talk about.
I asked if there was anything she needed or wanted. She said, "I don't need anything. I am dying. Besides, anything I get is just one more thing my mom has to give away once I die. I can't do that to her. I have already written out a will for things I have left and who gets what. My mom knows she can throw out my robe with cigarette burns in it." She laughed a little. It never dawned on me to think of this. I said, "Well, if there is anything you can think of at all, please let me know. Even if it something as simple as slippers." She smiled.

Finally, I said, "You need to get some sleep, my dear." We said our goodbyes, I told her "I love you," and headed out for the night.

I am sure we will get together again...I just have to remember to breathe.